I finally like someone.. And I hate it.

[JadenMia]

Hi all, haven't been here in a while and thought I'd come back for a bit of advice

I was in an abusive relationship for around 4 years, police got involved, he got charged and pled guilty in court and we haven't been in contact as he has conditions not to do so.
Since then I decided to do some soul searching and try heal.. I did great and am really proud! I got my own place, made new friendships, saved up money and I just felt really great about everything!

A while back I decided to give dating a try. I got asked out by one really nice guy, he took me out on dates, bought me flowers and was just everything a girl could ask for. Well not me. I started to dread his texts and the thought of him made me cringe.. So I had to end it. Since then I have been asked out a few times and still not felt interested.
Well about 2 weeks ago an old friend got in touch with me over Facebook. He knew both me and my ex and got into countless fights with my ex for the way he spoke to me and treated me.. He asked if we could meet up for a catch up. We did and wow did I ever feel something. The way he spoke to me and looked at me just drove me crazy.. We decided to meet again right away! He was initiating all the contact and I felt really good about it! We have been hanging out a lot since.. It just seemed every day we wanted to see each other and just been having so much fun!
Then 3 nights ago, we kissed and one thing led to another and we had sex. It was so passionate and I haven't had anything like that since my breakup so I absolutely loved it. Lol

Now, I like him more. Since sex, he has still wanted to see me everyday so I didn't worry too much. But I have had a lurking feeling in my stomach that I don't 'enjoy' liking him. It makes me feel uneasy, I think about him more than I really should and I hate it!! I all of a sudden feel out of control of the situation and its making me anxious.. He told me this morning to call him after I was done work when I said goodbye.. And I never did just because i worry that I show that I like him too much.. And he never contacted me tonight either and now I feel real crappy about it and I'm so unsure why.

Is this normal to feel like this? I haven't actually liked anyone for a long time and its freaking me out. Lol it just all happened so fast but it felt so right with him it was strange..
Is this a sign I might not quite be ready to move on yet?

Thanks in advance

[basilandthyme]

Is it normal to feel like what? You've described two very different feelings - so I'm not sure which one you are asking about.

It's totally normal to feel a bit out of control when we are excited to be with someone new. It's totally normal to have them in your mind and not be able to stop thinking about a person. For most people, this feels good and exciting. But for you it's scary....and being scared of it is not normal.

Is it possible that you're scared because you don't trust yourself to make good decisions regarding men? This is a valid concern. If you haven't already done counselling to figure out why you stayed with an abuser so long, I'd advise you to do it. If you have done counselling, then go back. Or find a different counsellor.

But the bottom line is: until you can trust yourself to make good decisions, then you will stay scared.

[Cerby]

You're a touch insecure about your feelings, as you've outlined. This fear is changing how you act in the early stages of a potentially normal relationship. He asked you to call, you didn't because you were afraid to show that you like him, and now you feel crappy because he hasn't contacted you, when you inadvertently started this whole negative exchange by not calling him originally.

B&Ts advice aside, why not just pursue it at the pace YOU feel comfortable with? It sounds like you're not in control of the situation and that might be what is putting you off.

[michelle23]

It is normal to feel some anxiety in the infatuation stge. Your afraid of getting hurt which is okay but he sounds like a great guy so relax and try to enjoy it. Dont push him awsy-hes making a big effort and you need to do the same if you want this to go anywhere.

You have to take the leap at some point-dont let fear hold you back. What are you even afraid of? Pain? Pain is only temporary and youve already proved your strong enough to handle heartache. If you could doit once you can do it again if it comes to that but hopefully it wont.

Relax, enjoy him, have fun

[JadenMia]

Thanks everybody for the great advice!

I think I am just very scared to be hurt again, every time I have actually liked, loved or cared for anybody it has gone completely wrong.. I get so excited thinking about him and seeing him. Makes me unbelievably happy and that is something I haven't felt since I very first met my ex. But I have a horrible view on men since my breakup, I foresee that anybody i meet won't work out before it even ends and I have to work on that.

I had to attend a lot of counselling for about a year after victim services got involved and that helped me see that he was abusive, but didn't really help me understand why I accepted the abuse. I decided to attend co-dependants anonymous and that made more sense to me than anything but I wasn't comfortable talking about things in front of people in that way. Eventually I got put on anti-depressants and anti anxiety medication to help with the PTSD and panic attacks. Fast forward to now I am off medication and happy and well.
This just seems to be another hurdle I have to get over I know I have a LONG way to go.

Today he came over to see me, and I told him how I felt. He said he cared enough to help me through things and would show me how a woman should be treated. And asked me to be his girlfriend. So I said yes
It made me feel SO much better the feelings are mutual. I can relax. Ahh. Lol
Thanks again!!

[rhonddamayne]

so happy for you girl. i can see that he would be a great partner. best of luck with your relationship!

[michelle23]

I think I am just very scared to be hurt again

That is normal to be a little scared but you are strong. The last time you were hurt you got through it and you proved to yourself that you can handle it. If you do get hurt again-you will get through it again and you will heal. Like I said already pain is only temporary. Time is a great healer.

But I have a horrible view on men since my breakup

You went through a bad experience with ONE man. You have to realize that not all men are like that. There are some great men in this world. Have some faith and remember karma is a bitch. Your ex will get what he deserves..

I had to attend a lot of counselling for about a year after victim services got involved and that helped me see that he was abusive, but didn't really help me understand why I accepted the abuse. I decided to attend co-dependants anonymous and that made more sense to me than anything but I wasn't comfortable talking about things in front of people in that way. Eventually I got put on anti-depressants and anti anxiety medication to help with the PTSD and panic attacks. Fast forward to now I am off medication and happy and well.

Now that you understand co-dependency-you can avoid it in the future. Youll know now when to walk away. If he hurts you its time to leave. By hurt I mean if hes abusive in any way towards you or if he cheats on you, lies to you or nasty to you. You set your own standards and expectations and you have to know when to draw the line and say enough is enough. You should see yourself as a strong, confident, independent woman who from now on will not take any crap from anyone. "If you hurt me once-you wont get a chance to hurt me again". That should be your motto. But as long as your happy-you stay and try to make it work.

Congrats on your new relationship. You need to trust him now and just enjoy each other. Take each day at a time. He sounds worth it Best of luck

[JadenMia]

Thank you so much for your replies

I thought he seemed like such a great guy, he treated me really well.. After Tuesday when he told me he wanted to be with me things seemed to go downhill. He usually calls me every night at 8. Didn't call me last night just text saying he got the next 4 days off unexpectedly and was going to drink with his friends last night and come hang out with me tonight.
Well he didn't text all day and then text tonight saying he was in town but was at his friends and asked if I wanted him and his friend to come visit and have a drink.. Lol I said no. As I have a daughter and didn't really appreciate him asking for a random friend to come along for a drink. And he said okay.

I just didn't reply.. I'm kind of let down that he didn't stick to his word and is in town. I'm not sure whether to act like I'm bothered. Even though I am.
Just a let down. Same as every other man in my life. Blah.. i no longer have high hopes for this relationship.. Was nice while it lasted though..

Should I just back right off now? Should I act let down? I'm not sure what to do

[HeartIsAching]

I had to attend a lot of counselling for about a year after victim services got involved and that helped me see that he was abusive, but didn't really help me understand why I accepted the abuse. I decided to attend co-dependants anonymous and that made more sense to me than anything but I wasn't comfortable talking about things in front of people in that way.

Good. Now you have some tools to use. You know what to look for, stay vigilant. I'm not necessarily saying that he is that way, but we tend to go for the same broken dynamic over and over again - I'm just hoping that your hesitation wasn't your gut trying to tell you something.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[JadenMia]

Good. Now you have some tools to use. You know what to look for, stay vigilant. I'm not necessarily saying that he is that way, but we tend to go for the same broken dynamic over and over again - I'm just hoping that your hesitation wasn't your gut trying to tell you something.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

I do feel I know what to look for.. I thought I did. I felt sure that If I met someone I would be able to see the red flags arise from that type of person/relationship. I met a great guy, but he was so great I didn't like him. Now I'm stuck on a guy that is already turning out to be sort of a let down.
Should I give him another chance even though he let me down tonight? Or do I not be so damn understanding and give him the finger and move on.. I feel like I'm never going to get it right when it comes to men

[HeartIsAching]

Sweetie, listen to your gut.