Ok so I'm not sure I need advice, because what's done is done and nothing will ever change or fix this, but I do need a place to talk. He's moved on and happy. And to tell you the truth I'm happy for him, really. But I'll never forgive myself for what I did to him and to our future. Danny and I were high school sweethearts. We really truly loved each other, it wasn't some high school puppy love crap, it was real. He graduated a year ahead of me and decided to join the military. We maintained a 3 year long-distance relationship and everything was going great. He proposed, I said yes, and we started planning our wedding. His family accepted me as their own and I couldn't ask for better in-laws. During this time my parents split up and I didn't know it then, but it really affected me. I started partying hard and just straight up rebelling big time. All this time, he was 3,000 miles away patiently counting the days until we could be married and I could move with him to the base. Well, I ended up sleeping with someone and that's when everything came crashing down on me. Most people would argue that if I truly loved him then I wouldn't have cheated on him, but I honestly did (and still do)! I made a mistake, it happens and some couples can recover from it. But I just couldn't handle the guilt. I made myself believe that if this happened then it was a sign that we shouldn't be together and I broke it off 1 month before the wedding.
At first I was ok. I started putting my life back together, I found an apartment, got some new friends, and just tried to make a life for myself. I constantly pushed my feelings back and kept trying to convince myself that we weren't supposed to be together. Then the depression kicked in. I didn't know why I was depressed at first, because on the surface I was "happy". He finally finished his time in the military and came home. He tried to convince me to get back together with him on a couple occasions, but I kept pushing him away. Even though, deep down I was a wreck and needed him more than anything. But in my demented mind, I just kept telling myself we weren't meant to be. About 3 years after the brk-up, I couldn't bear it anymore and gave in and emailed him. He called me up right away and decided to meet up. We saw each other for about a month, but suddenly he broke it off with me. I knew right then that I deserved to be dumped after what I put him through. But, a week or so later, he called and decided that we really should try again to make it work. By then, I was wary of his intentions and said we should just be friends, but I was lying to myself again. I couldn't shake the paranoia that he really just wanted to get revenge. I know now he didn't but still, I was too scared.
A few years ago I decided to look him up and lo and behold, he was happily married with children. At first, I was so happy for him, but then this wave of regret, guilt, anger, and denial came over me and I lost it. It was like I was grieving over a dead relative. I knew he was gone for good. I'm not the kind of person who only wants what I can't have, even when I could have him I did want him but had so many crazy, ass backwards problems that I just couldn't let myself be happy. He made me happy and I couldn't handle that. Every relationship I've been in since him was messed up in one way or the other. I constantly compare them to him. There hasn't been a day that goes by in these 12 years that I havent thought about him. I've been proposed to twice by ex's and both times had to say no. I honestly can't picture myself being married to anyone but him. In my head, he's still the guy I'm supposed to be marrying. Lately, it's been pretty bad. I constantly cry and obsess over how I messed up and how I hurt him. Sometimes I even wish he would leave his wife, but I know that's wrong to wish that, and try not to think that way. When I have tried to speak to someone about it, they just say, "Well if it's meant to be, then it'll happen." But what they can't see is that it WAS meant to be. I screwed it up!! I couldn't let myself be happy so I had to screw things up! I honestly don't think I'll ever get over this. I hope and pray that one day I'll get another chance to be with him. So sorry for the wall of text, but I have to get this out.