He doesn't want kids but willing to adopt/foster...

[MsMaccoby]

Also, when I'm around my friends or younger sister with kids, I don't wish I had some of my own! Even at 37. Might change in future though. And I can't help but feel a bit offended that my boyfriend doesn't want to build a life with me. Incidentally, he says he used to be against marriage but not anymore. Gonna check that one out tonight. I am coming to see his opinions are a bit flakey...but then, he's not very articulate at the best of times (though a much better listener than me).

[michelle23]

You need to decide whats more important to you.

1/. New man for life, marriage and kids
2/. This man right now who is not sure about you, marriage or kids who may or may not change his mind.

Its too flaky. My bfs dad was a terrible father but my bf doesnt doubt himself because of it. He knows hes nothing like his dad and would be extremely offended if anyone ever said he is like him.

[michelle23]

Plus you do not need to be maternal or nurturing with someone elses kids-just with your own. If you really dont want kids-then you have nothing to worry about but it sounds like your really not sure

[MsMaccoby]

Who says I'd find a new man, and have kids? If only I knew that! It took 2 years to find my current bf... I dated a guy for 6 months who wanted kids but I couldn't fall in love with him (didn't feel on the same wavelength even though he was very cute and loving), but otherwise, I met bad contenders. I imagine it'd take 6-12 months to get over the current bf and if I didn't meet anyone for 2 years, then my hopes are worse at which point, my current bf will have moved on even if I can't have kids anymore.

[michelle23]

Its your choice. but you will have a better chance of having the whole package instead of settling for one piece of it if you leave.

[Valixy]

Having children has stopped representing the great meaning of life in our society. It's just another option in life, some people have them, others don't, some enjoy it all along, others wish they could redecide. I personally think that you are absolutely fine for not being obsessed over children but keeping a reasonable interest and heart desire in having them if possible.

I also think that the partners we meet reflect a part of ourselves. This might sound strange to you but the fact that you have met this great guy that isn't very keen in having children is because deep down you are unsure about having children either. You actually share this trait. Sure you are getting enthusiastic with this new relationship and you would like to paint this romance in all possible colours now, hoping that it will fulfil all your dreams of love even those about having children, but is it what you really want? Do those dreams really represent you?

You're right to think that you should enjoy your relationship without putting too much pressure because of the children aspect. Unless you discover that having children is a must for you but I doubt it. It seems to me that you are the kind of person that can be just as happy with or without children.

[MsMaccoby]

Valixy, thank you for the great response! You are right, I'm somewhat ambivalent... (hence the length of my original message I guess...) and I was told just a few hours ago by a male friend that I give the impression/vibe of not being the kind of person who wants children (he asked how I'd ever fit it in between my work life, social life and travels). Although I AM unsure, it's funny how quick the mind switches once it feels like an option is being taken away from you...and the world becomes full of 'what ifs'...! ("What if I live to regret staying with him and not ever experiencing motherhood?")

[michelle23]

What about when you retire? Would you like a child and a grandchild?

[Valixy]

You know what could make an interesting experiment? If your partner would say that he wanted children very much and started talking to you about this... I bet that you would find yourself pulling away from this possibility, because deep down you don't want to have children, you just want to know that he loves you as much as to want to have children with you. You have idealised the children aspect in a relationship but you need to be fair with this relationship and with this man and understand that he can totally love you but not want to have children and this relationship can be a very happy and complete one just the way it is.

I suppose I'm just trying to say that if the desire of having children is born from your wish to make sure that he totally loves you, and this is an ego impulse - then it's wrong and unfair to try to establish the worth of your relationship in this way, but if it's something extremely important for you, then you should of course stick to it.

[MsMaccoby]

True, it might put me off if he went on and on about it!! BUT I think I'd do it (except that now I am wondering if he could handle it after what's he has said recently!) Clearly, I have mixed feelings but only the other hand, I think it's normal to feel daunted? It's a lot of life to give up!

Michelle23, I wish having kids in retirement WAS an option! (Only joking!) I don't really want to grow old alone, of course, I have told him that, but also I feel it's wrong to want kids for these kinds of reasons...

[michelle23]

do you like children? are you good with them? did you ever want to be a mother? did you ever have the picket fence dream?

you need to ask yourself what was important to you before you met him and has that changed now? while you were single and looking for a man-were you thinking about kids in the future?

[HeartIsAching]

You need to decide whats more important to you.

1/. New man for life, marriage and kids
2/. This man right now who is not sure about you, marriage or kids who may or may not change his mind.

Its too flaky. My bfs dad was a terrible father but my bf doesnt doubt himself because of it. He knows hes nothing like his dad and would be extremely offended if anyone ever said he is like him.

I actually believe the only good solution here is for her to break up. If she wants kids, and he doesn't, then one of them will wind up being resentful, which festers over time.

[MsMaccoby]

Good questions, Michelle23! I do like children and I like to think I am very good with them but I generally just play with them or teach something and find it rewarding, but I've not ever really done any of the caregiving. I was thinking about kids in the future, yeah, but first and foremost, I dreamt of meeting a man who is intelligent with a beautiful heart, attractive, affectionate, broadminded and outgoing who would walk through the journey of life with me. So, I found him and he's not even my usual type (ie not a sensitive, creative type!), but turns out this makes us more compatible (I've taken on too much of a mothering role in the past, hmmmm). I'm not used to being with a guy who will do alsorts of things with me, from divey bars to upmarket restaurants, from browsing thrift shops to science talks at the museum. I didn't realise how much I craved this kind of companionship, even though I have many friends. Maybe I overestimate the importance of this (especially later in life when I trade in for my pipe and slippers, heheh) but I find we share humble working class roots, an intellectual mindset and similar liberal values (but he is a gentleman, always), so I feel free to talk about anything and he thrives in my enthusiasm and mild eccentricities! If I get rid of him, I don't find a new model who wants kids so easily. I'm worried I will hold out too long and expect to get my cake and eat it, when it seems that every year that goes by, fewer good single men are around. I would rather be with a great man and no kids than either the wrong man and kids or a single mother. Sorry, I've gone on... Maybe I need to invest in some therapy! Great questions posed by you and Valixy though - both get at the very heart of the matter - maybe I've been changing, but in what direction? Hm.

[MsMaccoby]

HeartIsAching, yeah, I thought this too. Neither of us wants to resent the other, of course. I just need to feel sure I want kids for sure before I ever broke up with him.

[michelle23]

I think right now you dont want to risk losing him but in time if you miss your chance to be a mother-I think you will regret it. You should talk to him again and ask him what is the real reason he doesnt want children and why does he think adopting is a better option?

You shouldnt brush it under the carpet because you could feel a lot different about all of this a year from now.