Careful what you wish for..

[Desdemona]

So, I've spent most of my life being single and finding it difficult to believe that I will be loved. However in the last couple of years, the situation improved and I had my first boyfriend when I just turned 24. The relationship worked well until he had to move back to his own country and we couldn't see each other anymore. Fast forward to now, I'm 25, and recently met somebody quite a bit older, 42, but I was willing to have an open mind and we met. I didn't feel initial great chemistry, but I didn't with my first boyfriend either at first, and I came to realise he was loyal, caring, shares the same core values and appreciates and accepts me. He is keen to progress the relationship and even sees me as potential marriage material, although it's only been a month, so I communicated to him my uncertainties and the need to take it slower.
The thing is, while it has the potential theoretically to be a good relationship, same values, I feel safe with him, and I feel like that it would be a stable solid relationship, but I don't feel passion, the urge to hear his voice, nor feel a huge amount of physical attraction. However a lot of this is associated with fleeting lust, and I find it difficult at this point to differentiate between love that doesn't have fireworks or is spectacular, but can grow, or friendship that just isn't love. With my first boyfriend it wasn't initially amazing, but at least after a month it started to grow, I was attracted to him and looked forward to seeing him, but this time, I just don't know. I've pretty much told him this and he understands, I've said there are some feelings there but I don't know whether it's just because he loves me or whether it's something worth pursuing. I've always had better relationships with older guys who have more focus and seriousness about relationships, but I don't know whether the gap is too big here...

Above all, I don't want to hurt him, and I can sometimes be guilty of being a people pleaser and I'm forced to possibly confront this here. I've decided that if after 6 months I feel the same way then we shouldn't be together, but it's further complicated by the fact that he has a 2 year job position abroad in the US, making it long distance, although he still wants to make it work with me. While he is great in many ways, I don't like the fact that he wants to settle too fast, (is it me or the idea of settling down that he wants?) and although he seems believable he doesn't just want me for a UK visa on marriage (he is singaporean) There.still is that question mark. I'd appreciate advice.from those more experienced in relationships, because my lack of experience is now apparent in failing to deal with this issue.

[FlaCooln]

LDRs are difficult. I also think 17 years is a HUGE age gap and too much. Also, all this is a bit much for 1 month into your relationship.

[romany]

There is a love of the first meeting
But if this was a true love did not forsake you

[Desdemona]

There is a love of the first meeting
But if this was a true love did not forsake you

I don't understand this?

[vashti]

I don't understand this?

That's because it makes no sense.

I think the age gap is too wide, and I don't like his level of intensity after only a month. You are right to be cautious.

[pcmaster]

I remember you. You was that girl from UK who didnt like nightclubs.

Well great that you have find a man but this one is in for marriage. Ofcourse you dont want serious relationship yet and thats understandable. If you dont feel sure than dont do anything. He have nothing to lose he have found a much younger girl and if he marry you he get a visa ! Yaay ! Win/win situation no matter what. Ofcourse he might be kind and caring etc = he have learned something in his loooooong life. I'll suggest make it clear that you not looking for anything serious now and just enjoy open minded relationship, or whatever there is to enjoy.

Good that you have 6 month plan - whatever happens stick with it and you gona be ok. If you gona lose your head and change your plans thats open gates for errors and huge mistakes = suffering.

[michelle23]

I think you are settling for second best because you think its your only chance. Well its not. You need to boost your self-esteem and your confidence. You probably need to make some positive changes and get out there and meet someone your own age.

What is holding you back from doing that?

[HeheMan]

First of all there's no problem with the age difference. It's not like the OP is a 25 year old dude dating a 42 year old woman. OP is still young enough for marriage and children, if that's what she wants.

As far as not feeling passion... passion is good for short flings (6 months or less), but for long-term, stable relationships you want all those other feelings you mentioned. I know a woman who's 35 years old. She wants to one day "settle down and have children". She had her chance when she was 23 years old, with this one guy... but she ****ed it all up because she "didn't feel that passion" so she cheated on him and left him for another man. She was with that new man for a grand total of 3 months. She had been with the previous dude for 2 years.

When she was 30, she started dating a friend of mine. They dated for almost 2 years. It was the longest relationship she'd had since the first guy I mentioned. She wanted to marry my friend... but as soon as she proposed, my friend bounced and moved out before she came home from work. When I asked him why, since he was also a person who wanted marriage and kids, he said "Dude, she's 32." A year later he was married to a 24 year old.

True story.

Anyway. This guy talking about marriage after 1 month could be an indication of a red flag. Not sure how things are done in your country. I'm dating a woman from Korea and we've already had mentions of marriage. Not because we want to get married right now, mind you, but because that is her ultimate goal and we're gauging compatibility to assess the nature of our relationship (fun fling or serious).