Advice?

[Helii]

Hello,

I wonder if you could give me a little advice. My ex and I split up after a 3 year relationship due to a huge row about our finances. We had been in an unstable financial situation for a long time and it was putting strain on our relationship. After our row, he left for a friend's house and has barely spoken to me since. When he has, he has been extremely evasive saying he doesn't know what he wants and avoiding making any commitments to pick up his things from the flat we shared together. However, he seems to have made the decision that we shouldn't be together. These mixed messages are driving me crazy, as I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I love this man with all of my heart and know we could be so much more. We had both changed and seemed to have forgotten why we loved each other in the first place. I have taken into account the things I made mistakes with and unfortunately whilst I can't change that now I have looked at what I could do to resolve them, if he would give me the chance to. Of course, I tried the "begging" ritual before seeking guidance, which only seemed to push him further away. For now, I am trying to give him the space that he appears to need but I have no idea where to go from here.

Do you have any tips for me on how I could go about reconciling with him, or whether I have a chance to at all?

Many thanks.

[Ann S]

These are not mixed messages. He hasn't come back....What further information do you need?

So why did you get into financial difficulties? Spending too much?

Begging has always pushed away the folks I know. It is demeaning to the beggar and doesn't evoke respect.

You haven't said one thing that give me any clue that he wants to reconcile. I think you need to work on acceptance and move on! He's not driving YOU crazy - YOU are driving yourself crazy because you keep going back looking for scraps in an empty trough. Keep your dignity and find someone else and don't repeat the same mistakes.....that is how we all learn. Ann

[michelle23]

if you want any chance of him coming back then you need to ignore him. completely cut contact and give him space and time to miss you. dont ring him, text him, email him, FB stalk him, talk about him or accidently on purpose bump into him.

you need to act as if you have accepted his decision and if he does contact you for any other reason then to get back with you-you need to be distant, aloof and uninterested.

if he comes back on his own and says he wants it to work-great but you have to take things slow and try to resolve any issues you were having before.

if hes not back within a month, drop his stuff at his friends place and start moving on.

you cant do anything else

[basilandthyme]

I'm not seeing mixed messages either. However, I am seeing you giving him free storage for his stuff until he gets his living quarters worked out.

Give him a month to collect his stuff and make sure to warn in advance what you'll do with his stuff if he doesn't collect it. I suggest you donate it to charity if he can't be bothered collecting it.

[Helii]

Hello,

Thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately I haven't typed out the full story here. He has been back once or twice since we broke up, spent the night and talked about our future in loose terms, such as making plans for what we should do and asking questions. He seems to want to believe that it could work out, difficulty is I think it would if he could give it a chance, otherwise he will never know.

We were in financial difficulty because neither of us earn very much currently.

Honestly, I know it sounds like I'm looking for scraps but whether I want to think about it or not, those 3 years happened and I'm finding it hard to believe someone can let that go so easily. We had a house and future plans. What I'm trying to do now is give him space, not text him or call him, let him get on with it because that's what he appears to need. A big change.

What I'm hoping is either he comes back on his own and gives it another go, which would be great. Or, he collects his things as this would help me to come to terms with the harsh reality and start building on my own life again. I have started this process by going out, acting like everything is fine when I did see him and taking up new hobbies. However, it is difficult to let go when someone leaves their possessions as it is a constant reminder that they were here and gives seemingly false hope. That might just be me, though.

At the very least, he knows I still care about him a great deal. We have never really worked on our mistakes before, as we made promises etc. which never really came to pass because it was so easy just to fall back into ignoring them. Now that I have some perspective, I've realised there is a lot more I could have done.

Regardless of what happens, I love this man and I couldn't bear to let him go so easily without giving it a real shot.

[cookies&cream]

Hello,


Regardless of what happens, I love this man and I couldn't bear to let him go so easily without giving it a real shot.

That's the spirit! Fight for love!