The ramblings of a heartbroken man...

[yesterday_1983]

I am hopelessly, madly in love with a woman I can't see or touch or have.

We are both in our early 30s. We had no mutual friends, just met up and tried to make something out of it. Things were passionate early on; we kept things casual for the most part, however. It seemed like we were both open to something serious, but had been let down before, so we were being cautious. But the signs I got were all green lights. She told me things like that I was a need for her. She seemed to enjoy cooking for me, and even offered to make one of my mother's recipes for me (and really, isn't that the way to a man's heart?). One night, I made her favorite dish for her. For my part, I felt like I was on top of my game. We went out frequently and I was sure to get the check. On special occasions, I made sure to find her gifts she liked (albums on vinyl, and I got her flowers on Valentine's Day, something she said NO guy had ever done for her). I can only assume the sex was good, as she once asked if I was aware of how skilled I was sexually. Her friends seemed to like me. Her pets seemed to like me. We seemed to make each other very happy, often surprising each other with how good being with each other was.

We were together for three months and never really bothered to define the nature of our relationship. We talked about things we were going to do together in the long term, but lived in the moment for the most part. But at one point, I knew I loved her. It came at a moment when I realized I could relate to her on a much more personal level. I didn't say anything because she'd warned me about her hesitance when it came to matters of the heart, and of course the part of me that's been let down before kept saying "Don't get attached."

The idea that I was in love with someone at all came as a surprise to me. I had just rounded out what was easily the worst year of my life. I had lost things nobody should ever have to lose. When I met her, I was in a cynical place. My wife of some years had left me for the umpteenth time, but by that point I was done with her. It was actually kind of cathartic. I was out �playing the field� as they say. The idea that I could fall for someone did not enter into my thought process. Especially in this city; just finding someone who wasn�t a complete psychopath was rare.

In any event, the conversation between us gave me no reason to worry that things might end abruptly. But that's exactly what happened. During the last week of the relationship, I started getting the feeling she was going cold on me. Things were getting particularly busy for her, along with other things in our lives that added to the "not right now"-ness of the situation. Knowing I was in danger of her going sour on me, I backed off the rest of the week. She texted me mid-week and I figured I had nothing to worry about. She put off seeing me until the weekend, however, and I got slightly clingy with texts. Saturday, she ditched me, offering little explanation beyond that she wanted to spend time with girlfriends and that she needed a break. I obliged until a few days later. I hadn't heard anything from her and was starting to resent being blown off. I approached slowly, simply saying that I didn't know what to think. And then she ended it.

She said that I didn't do anything wrong, she just didn't think we were right for each other. Didn't think we had enough in common to continue. This came as a shock to me. Though we do have somewhat different lifestyles, we actually had quite a bit in common. Politics and religion for one (and those can be difficult to reconcile in a relationship). We both came from colder places we remember fondly but don't really want to go back to. We were both cat people. We both admit to driving angry. We have similar tastes in humor, music we definitely will NOT listen to, and movies. We'd both experienced deep personal losses. And even the things we didn't have in common, we seemed to admire, or at least respect. Conversation was always natural and down-to-earth, we had no problem sharing things about our lives and family, and again... the sex.

She said that she really enjoyed our time together, that she really got a lot out of it, and that I was a great guy and she was sure I would find someone who was better for me than her. She didn't seem opposed to the idea of us running into each other again at some point and didn't bother to unfriend me on Facebook. Every day now, I wake up thinking of ways to get her back. Since my involvement in her life is pretty much zero, it mostly revolves around being patient, giving her time to realize she misses me, all that stuff. But here's the problem:

When she told me she was done, I went for broke. I told her I was in love with her. I did it at length, pouring it all out in one shot. I quickly became aware that this was a mistake.

She didn't know how to respond at first. But she told me that she didn't have those feelings for me, that she didn't develop them that fast. That if I had told her before, it probably would have just scared her. The next day, I unfriended her on Facebook, out of pain and embarrassment. I haven't heard or seen a thing since.

I don't entirely buy her reasons for ending the relationship. She'd told me in the past that she tends to push people away, but she didn't want to do that with me. She was very matter-of-fact about the breakup for someone she was smitten with, someone with whom her level of involvement was, I would say, at least above average for the amount of time we were together. I'm thinking the short cold spell was enough for her to dwell on the reasons things wouldn't work out, and it gave her the opportunity to psyche herself out. At least that's what I hope. I figure my next move is to wait until things have slowed down for her and contact her about something platonic, something job-related she was going to help me out with. Tell her I'm sorry I got emotional, try to put things on an even course where we can at least say "hi" once in a while. Maybe wait a bit longer after that and look for an opportunity to invite her to a social gathering.

I don't see her being someone who's in a rush to date again. Seems like she's got enough going on in her life that she's not too worried about it. But as for me... I don't even care to look at other women. Of course I don't have a lot of friends or co-workers who understand this; they read the situation and don't think it's that big a deal. "Plenty of fish," "You'll get over it," and so on. Nobody says what I want to hear, because what I want to hear seems impossible at best: "If you love her, you will get her back." Could I move on, find someone else? Sure. That's not the problem, though. The problem is that my mind is looking at this from every angle and... I can't imagine a person who would satisfy me more. The bar's too high for me now. My only option is to be patient. It is agony. I never even felt this way about my ex-wife. Even after only three months... I know in my heart that there's nobody else I want, and I can guarantee her that there's not a guy in the world who could possibly want her more than I do right now. I just can't get her off my mind.

I miss my sweet nothing.

[overanxious]

i hear you man...at least you got a straight anwer...i was in a 2.5 year relationship and when it ended the only honest/straight answer i got was "i was slowly falling out of love with you..i didnt want to...but everytime you threatned to break up with me or tell me we werent right it tore a piece of my heart"...at least i think it was the most honest......my gut kept telling me it wasnt right but i kept hanging on to something because i thought it was meant to be(we had known each other since our teens through family and they always were sort of pushing us to get together as she had a huge crush on me)......there were things i could have done more of(things i was told i should do everyday from other girls...but i just had a 'too cool' attitude and her personality made it tough) and things i could have done less of to show her how much i cared.........but my needs werent being met.......but i did alot of nice things....i took her on nice trips...to nice events with great seats....took her to nice restaurants(she even noted in front of her parents how whats extravagant to most people isnt to me)....gave her money to shop with.......but there was never any sort of responsibilty on her part....it was like having to be the driver with her in a childs seat the whole time......

we grew up 5 hours apart...she started out living here...i renovated my place...let her pick out new floors and appliances....paid her father over 5k to do carpentry work....let her pick out new furniture....but she was so attached to her family she couldnt commit 100 percent to staying.....id have even said at some point i had no problem moving and living in her hometown....and it was like once i said that it was in high gear for her to get back and see if id come(her father told her "if he wanted to be here he would be"...no one though i would come)...i had stopped going out with friends and drinking...and i was fine with it...i didnt mind being settled down....i told her to go(as she said she could get a good job which she did) and id come up asap...we did the long distance thing for awhile and i moved up there...and nothing really changed...she lost her job(i figured if she was around her fam and in her comfort zone shed grow up).....and i was fighting being miserable watching her do nothing really but live in her parents house in her childhood room while i had my own apartment....wed fight and shed say "i wish things were like when we first were together"......ya well so did i...thats when we had no care in the world and no responsiblity or thought of a future.....she just cant get passed that stage unless someone takes care of everything.....she told me i was miserable there and i was...not because of where i was ...but because of a lack of growth

it sucks....things got nasty and we cant be friends even though we tried early on.....every once in awhile i google image her name....she has a new bf now and ive been aware of that for awhile...but i saw a pic she has on her fb that comes up(might be her timeline pic) that I took of her feeding an ice cream sunday we bought for her dogs birthday last year....and her feeding it to her....i shouldnt be doing this...but sometimes i cant help myself....there i am standing right behind them taking this pic.....

it sucks man...i think about it everyday....theres no good advice i can give you....the only thing i can say is do what i do....take the agony and pain like a man...and keep waking up everyday and trying.....

[yesterday_1983]

A couple things seems to indicate to me that there's no hope, and yet I keep thinking there might be a way to turn them around. I never did know when to quit.

1) Her reasoning for the breakup was very straightforward. "Not enough in common." Seems to be a period at the end of that sentence. And yet, I can't help thinking she just needed a quick excuse to get out of something she was second-guessing. For one, it doesn't jibe with the way things actually were. We had plenty in common. I don't know how we would have gotten to the point where we were together all the time and doing meaningful things for each other (again, the whole cooking for each other thing) if we couldn't get past not having enough in common. We'd even had a conversation about how that wasn't as important as "complimenting" each other, or being the yin to one's yang. She didn't want to drag the breakup out, I know that. Even when I told her I thought we had a lot in common, she couldn't offer details. "But not enough" is what she said. Maybe if she'd spent too much time thinking about it, she'd have had second thoughts. I don't know.

2) I told her I loved her. I know for a fact that probably spelled death for any future reconciliation. I told her AS she was breaking up with me, and she didn't have the same feelings. I thought maybe she'd reconsider at first, but no. So now I'm the crazy person who fell in love with her and wouldn't that awkwardness just really put everything on ice? But again, it was contrary to the signals I was getting. She actually initiated a number of very romantic gestures. I could really feel that I made her happy. You don't tell someone things like she did and say you want to be close to someone and not feel something. Also... I got the feeling she hadn't really been with a guy who'd told her that. Not like this. I know that had to scare her, but tell me you don't think about that. Someone tells you they're in love with you? You have to think about it.

I keep going around in circles in my mind trying to figure out whether there's any hope. Was she really just not that into me? Or was she really pushing me away for the wrong reasons? Is this a shell I should try to crack? I want to, I really do. But it's hard to stay optimistic.

Has anyone ever overcome these kinds of things?

[THX]

I feel for you man. As far as reading the situation don't take any of the reasons she gave you for the split as the real reason. She broke it in the easiest way it was for her to break it to you. She changed the story to protect the innocent.

She's not coming back IMO. For her this was a fun casual relationship with an unspecified shelf life. Someone once said something to me that might seem tactless, but for me it makes sensce. "She knows exactly what she is missing." You need to find a woman who wouldn't miss it for the world.

[michelle23]

shes probably emotionally unavailable. its not your fault it didnt work out. you should try to get over her now and move on with your life.

[yesterday_1983]

Love is patient, that's what they say. I could move on right now if I wanted. Could meet other people. But the truth is, most women don't appeal to me this way. I need to be challenged, need to be with someone intelligent. I'm having such a hard time thinking about moving on because she was all those things, and so many women around me are just unappealing by comparison.

I feel like I want to pursue. To just run into her every once in a while, catch up, remind her of how good we were. Take my time. I hope that she'll realize sometime that I'm the guy who's there for her because I want to be. And if she doesn't come around, at least I have that closure; at least I know she really wasn't capable of seeing just how good it was. She's the one that got away, and agonizing as it sounds, I want to keep a place for her because... she really is worth it. That's a completely unrealistic way to see things, and I have no guarantees. There's every chance in the world it won't pay off. But I feel like I have to try.

[THX]

Dude your following your heart........to heartbreak. Yes you want to persue. That's exactly why you wont get what you want.

[yesterday_1983]

Dude your following your heart........to heartbreak. Yes you want to persue. That's exactly why you wont get what you want.

And I never have. I've never had many delusions, not after everything I've been through. That's why I can't understand why I'm having such a hard time getting over this. Rejection and loss is not new to me; I'm very jaded that way. Maybe it's because something as good as this ended so suddenly, for reasons that don't make sense... and just when I was starting to accept that I had feelings. The proverbial rug getting pulled out from under me.

Have you ever had one of those romances with someone... like that movie about the guy who goes to Paris, trying to get away from something? And you meet someone and it's so insanely blissful, not a care in the world? That's what this was to me. I let it get to me and now it's weighing on me. The more discouraged I get, the harder I want her back.

What can I say? I got it bad.

[yesterday_1983]

I contacted her about business, just asked if she could give me some advice. She said "Yes, of course." We chatted for a bit, nothing about us, but she seemed eager to help me. Even replied to messages on her own after I said I'd take the information she gave me and get back to her. I can chalk this up to her being good at her job, sure, but it's obvious she doesn't have any ill will toward me. I tried to throw in a bit while we were messaging about how I was sorry I got emotional and feel really stupid and I hope I didn't offend her when I told her I was in love before. There was kind of a long silence, and then I said thanks for the advice and I'd be in touch, to which she just replied "OK." Though the next day, she did message me more advice.

I'm hoping when what I'm working on is all finished and we've chatted a bit more that I can invite her out to lunch or something to say "thank you." Just a way to catch up and what the hell, I'm feeding her. I don't know if she'll go for it. I talked to some friends and they seem to think that maybe the chances of me winning her back are better than average. I think maybe the real reason she broke up with me is that she's very independent, values her space and the way she lives her life, and when I got clingy, it triggered past experiences with guys who were controlling and needy. If I'm going to have any hope, I think I need to own up to that; let her know I should have understood.

I know there are a thousand signs saying "turn back now," but all I see is that one that says "go get the one you love." I'm an idiot, I know.