Man oh man, what do I do

[Zaz01]

Hello everyone. Great forum here. This story that I have to tell is a little complicated. I know most are but still, I dare to csll it really complicated.

Anyway, where do I start. Need some feedback, thoughts from someone I guess.
I've been dating this one girl for 2 years. She is great. But she has a kid. Now where is the problem with that? It is not really my personality or especially an aspiration at this point to have anything to do with children. Especially ones that are not my own. Or even my own. Hell no at this point. Also, I grew up as a child of the divorced parents and it wasn't fun. They ended up later on with good people, I ust never could accept those people. It just isn't the same. Especially mom's husband. Not a bad guy. Just think it was an alpha male thing. Couldn't accept someone who wasn't my dad to be the man of the house. Even as a kid, I had that dominating competitive alpha male mindset.
Now as an adult, I'm supposed to be in the same position but in a reverse role? Kinda not be the part of the the basic unit again? Yeah, i'm a terrible fit for an instant family.
Or use the leverage of power and adulthood and impose myself on her kid? Would be a terrible, selfish and cruel thing to do. Both me and her kid would suffer greatly IMO. I don't like being around him. It sucks but it's true.

Another thing. I live in a small country in Europe that you never probably heard of so I won't bother mentioning it and i always wanted to go the USA. Now finally I have the chance. I'm finally going. Yet again there is this woman who i wasn't planning anything serious with but unexpectadly got in love with her over my heels and her situation is what it is. Obviously with a kid you don't do extreme things. Yet she does know how important it is for me and she would actually go. She loves me too very much. But..it is what it is I guess.

I'm a guy full of dreams' energy, enthusiasm....a go getter. She is well..a family type obviously. Needs security as a parent and all that stuff. Whereas I'm about adventure and challenge. Yeah, on paper we're the worst possible fit for each other. But out of somthing stupid, silly work fling we fell madly in love. Yet I hate this feeling of being held back. Hate th feeling of anger and resentmrnt towards her even though it's not fair, I know that but it's like...she tells me I'm the ONE for her..yet if that is so, why did you decide to take such big life decisions with someone else? I know love comes in all forms but how can that be the situation for me. Finally obviously, out of a responsibility for the child, I definitely shouldn't be in that relationship because I know i'm not the right person for the job.

We broke up recently. Hurts like hell. I really love her. Really mis her. But it does seem like he right thing to do. I especialy realized it just now, writing this. Feel cruel and guilty, ask myself stuff like why did you even get in that relationship if you knew you weren't for it but I guess I was young, open to anything and tried not to judge. I did tell her however it would be hard for me. It was somewhat of a risk for both of us. Still feel incredibly guilty though.

Anyway, it's off my chest. Nice to write about it. Thanks for reading and hope you leave a comment. Thank you.

[basilandthyme]

Zaz01, she tells you that you're the ONE for her. But does she know how you feel about her child? If she does know and still wants to be with you, it's a huge red flag.

Not that there's anything wrong with you not wanting children - but as a mother, she should not be accepting any man who will not love her child too.

As hard as it is, I believe you should end things. You've said yourself that it would be terribly unfair to inflict yourself on a child - so do the right thing by them. You need someone who doesn't want kids - and she and her child need someone who will love them both.

[michelle23]

Breaking up was the right thing to do. I think your mentality is a little warped as its not the kids fault and i dont think she planned to get pregnant. Its unfair to say "how could she make such a commitment with someone else" these things happen and a lot of guys would accept them both as a package deal if they love her.

But its not for you and thats fine. Walking away is the only option coz you want diffefent things and you dont like the fact she has a child.

I think you do have past trauma though that you should try to work through. Are you a workaholic? Thats just another way to suppress unhealthy childhood trauma and your fear of marriage/kids is another thing you should try to work on. You cant hold yourself back forever because of your parents divorce and i think its time you stop running from it and face it.

Theres nothing wrong with being ambitious-its a good thing. Im quite ambitious myself but recently i realized that my ambition was borderline OCD due to my fathers alcohol addiction and i have learned to find a balance and get my priorities straight. Ive realized burrying my head in a new hobbie, new study, new book, new job, research, working towards promotion, having a need to always be busy, always be learning, getting bored easily, restless, anxious etc is just an unhealthy way to block shit out and im retraining myself now to not be so OCD with all this stuff.

Ive started looking at the people that matter most and investing more time, talking and laughing more. Ive stopped trying to always be in control of my emotions and whats happening around me and stopped feeling bad if everything isnt "perfect"

im not saying your the same. Just asking if any of that sounds familiar? I didnt even realize there was anything wrong until i actually looked up "children of alcoholics" for my little sister who finds it much harder than i do but i started to understand why i am the way i am. Why im not happy unless im busy and if forced me to do something about it

[Zaz01]

Basil, she knows. But I am actually great with children. And I was with her kid too at first when it was just fun and games. I'm goofy so I do well with kids. But as soon as it got kinda serious, I was like get the **** out...and well, there is a lot more to being around a kid than just playing...and it's why I'm still great with all other kids....cuz it's just playing and goofing off.
I guess in her mind there's this fantasy that I will change and it will be a one big happy family...or whatever.

She's like, I only ask one thing of you...that's him...then i think to myself....well, war is also just one thing...but kinda big one.. Obviously, she has trouble being realistic about the situation. It is natural for her to be around both of us...she doesn't realize it's not so natural for us to be around each other.

Michelle, yeah I do have my problems. I'm aware of them. Bottomline however is...why would I again spend time with someone who I wish really wasn't here? Kinda cruel but **** it. As a kid I had no choice. Now I do.
Another thing is, me having my problems thatnI have to deal with, again, probably not the best fit next to a kid.

[michelle23]

I know im just saying do it for yourself- not for her or the kid

[Valixy]

In two years you should have been able to create a bond with the child and feel more relaxed with each other. Since this hasn't happened, it might be the right thing to move on with our lives. Some relationships are for some people but no for everyone and people are entitled to try to find the one that best suits their personality, emotional needs, etc.

[Zaz01]

I know what you mean. We're likely simiair in that respect. I also think I have a devil on my back sometimes. Although I'm much better now than I was before. I find tai chi to be most helpful when I try slowing down. It just naturally..slows everything down. Even now when I'm going through this hard period I feel guilty for not givng my all to fullfil my ambitions...cuz I always have this feeling of running out of timr. Tai chi helps a great deal. All I can say is, thanks a million to the great ancient Chinese guys who invented it. Try it out if you wanna just slow it down. Not a miracle worker, but man it helps.

[Zaz01]

In two years you should have been able to create a bound with the child and feel more relaxed with each other. Since this hasn't happened, it might be the right thing to move on with our lives. Some relationships are for some people but no for everyone and people are entitled to try to find the one that best suits their personality, emotional needs, etc.

Agreed. There was a bond but it isn't whar I want. When I think about being with a kid on the beach while my friends are partying and stuff..yeah i guess it isn't for me. I was thinking at first, maybe I'm just running from it but I think it really isn't for me.

[Zaz01]

Another thing now is the feeling of guilt that I have. It's kinda eating me up. I wonder if i ever led her on. Because at first I didn't seea problem with it. First time I told her about my problem was 3 months into the relationship. Did I lead her on or just change my mind...in my heart I feel kinda guilty. It is probably both. At first I was afraid of losing her. But I also thought it would be alright. Until the whole dynamic got into more of a routine and started tiring me. Or is it her fault. Is she just too unrealistic and unaware of what kind of of commitment would it be for me.....so many questions, man good to grt this stuff of my chest. Most of my friends are too imature for this kind of discussion.

[Valixy]

I don't think you led her on because you didn't pretend you wanted a relationship, you really tried to have one with her, that's why you were together for two years and you hoped to be able to accommodate totally. It's quite common for people to go for a relationship, do their best and find out after some time that they aren't totally compatible, being that because of some personality issues, cultural differences or external factors like financial stability, social circle or family-in-law.

Whatever the reason of the doubts, one always has a lot of questions when facing a separation, but it is common sense to admit that if after trying for two years you still perceive this relationship as inadequate for you, you should respect it and move on.

What sense would it make for you to continue but not being able to feel generally happy with the relationship and not feel that you can totally accept everything it implies her having a child with someone else ?