Taking Care of My Mother

[vashti]

She is trained for caregiving, and I have an anger management problem. Long-term, the choice is not which one of us takes care of my mom. The choice is whether my sister (plus the caregivers) does it or a nursing home does it.

I agree it is not a good idea for you to be bringing your mom to your house, because you are a single guy, and think long-term care is the best option, but DAMN! this statement annoyed me! I am a nurse, and therefore my ex never felt the need to involve himself in the care for my daughter, who has a chronic medical issue. Taking care of your own family is NOT the sole responsibility of the family nurse, and quite frankly, day-to-day care of dementia patients is NOT what a nurse does. That is what unlicensed caregivers do.

Your sister should be compensated for the impact your mom's care has taken on her life thus far, and your mom should go for long-term care, unless there is someone who is willing and able to step up. Frankly, I wouldn't do it for a violent person. I've been given a black eye by a 93 year old man with dementia. They CAN hurt you.

[Starnique]

I understand your point. But it's your mother too and you do need to share the responsibility. It's not even about money. Dealing with a sick person is very tiring and stressful. If you dont feel you can handle it yourself then that should be plenty reason for you to understand how your sister feels. I remember when my grandfather was sick with cancer towards the end of his life (God rest his soul, I miss my granddaddy) Anyway, he was so used to being active that when the cancer took over, he became fragile and fustrated because he was helpless and he felt like everything was out of his control. My mom and two Aunts shared the responsibility of caring for him and I can tell you, it was very stressful for all of them. Dealing with his antics and caring for him and the finances , it was very stressful and hard. They never complained but imagine having to deal with a father who was nice and upbeat then had turned into being mean and irritable. Of course they get angry when older and sickly especially when their used to being independant. Instead of complaining about your sister, at least she's trying. Its time consuming and ultimately the caregivers life is placed on hold. What is your position in helping her?

[basilandthyme]

If my dad was still alive, he would be furious at my sister right now, and she was always his favorite.

He'd be furious at your sister for needing help to cope with the demands of being a carer? I truly hope your dad was a better man than that.

[basilandthyme]

I feel like it would be tragic to put her in retirement home this soon. She still knows the names and faces of close friends and family members, and her cat sleeps on her bed every night. She usually knows her way around her home and her yard, and she considers the caretakers to be close friends as well.

If you feel this strongly about it, then step up to the plate and take on some responsibility.

And don't talk again about the free rent your sister is getting - that amount of money is chicken feed for someone doing the work she is. If you really want to keep her with your sister, find a way to pay your sister what a professional carer earns.

Your comments about not having the skills to care for your mother is just another excuse. Heart attack symptoms are First Aid 101 - nothing you couldn't learn in a first aid course.

[Starnique]

This is your mom btw. You choose to stick around with your girlfriend with all her debt and issues but you cmplaining about your sister debt. What's up with that? Your sister and mom deserve just as much respect and attention if not more. You can't complain about something that you not trying to help with. Share the responsibility. You make it seem like it's all about you. If my mom was sick even if i had full time care or nursing home..i wouldnt shove the responsibility..i would still check up on her daily. Maybe you should look into your priorities.

[misombra]

I don't get it. You would spend huge amounts of time and money to keep your girlfriends head above water but you won't do the same for your own mother and sister. Can't even have a little bit of sympathy only anger and blame.

I'm sorry vinny but your dick seems to be in your face blocking the view of reality.

[Wakeup]

My Mother-in-law passed away from alzheimer's and the end is not pretty, Vince. If your mother has wandered off three times now, I vote you sell the house and use the proceeds to keep her in a nursing home where she'll get 24/7 care. Soon your sister will be unable to care for her as the desease progresses and you might as well get things organized and have her name on a list for a reputible home asap.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now and it's just easier if your sister just keeps doing what she's been doing but she's asking for help because she can't take much more, I'm sure. Maybe you could advise her to talk to a social worker in her area. The social workers here were wonderful to my father-in-law and helped him organise things so that between her Old Age Security cheque and her Canada Pension Plan cheque my FIL only had to pay a couple of hundred a month which, if you can get the same deal, the proceeds from the sale of the house will cover anything that social services doesn't.

Perhaps if she (your sis) knows there is some light at the end of her very stressful tunnel, she'll regain some emotional, mental, and physical strength to deal.

Maybe your girlfriend could do some things to help you cope by doing some online investigating to see what else can be done. You do enough for her, afterall.

[VincenzoG91]

He'd be furious at your sister for needing help to cope with the demands of being a carer? I truly hope your dad was a better man than that.

It was Mother's Day, and my sister threatened to throw my mom out of her own house. My dad was not a violent man, but that situation would have really pushed him, as it would any sane person.

[Wakeup]

You said a "retirement home" would cost $80,000/year. Your mom needs a "nursing home" A retirement home won't work for her. The two are very different lifestyles, at least here in Canada.

[VincenzoG91]

The other thing that I am dealing with right now is the crisis at work. Long story, but here are the basics: small research lab with a great reputation in a specialty. In good years, big pharma and biotech startups pay us decent money to do our specialized work. After several good years in a row, our investors ordered us to double the size of our operation in just three years. During year two, while we were having extensive construction done at our new site, sales went soft. Sales have been half of breakeven for more than a year now, so we laid off half of our employees last year. Our investors helped out some, but not nearly enough. Now there is a potential buyer for our company, but they are conducting extensive due diligence, and also letting us fall farther so that they can offer less money to buy the company from our current investors. Those current investors don't want to loan us anymore money. So we stopped paying payroll taxes last month, and I deal with threatening phone calls from angry vendors every week. Current threats: workers comp coverage gets cancelled this week, the cell phones get shut off, and our data stored offsite gets wiped. We will need to pay those people and hope that our customers pay on time so we can at least cut manual payroll checks for the next two payrolls. It isn't clear yet if we will be able to do paychecks at all in June. Probably one paycheck, instead of two.

I'm dealing with this, but it's hard. The CEO can't be here right now while his wife is recovering from surgery back home. I need to keep fending off vendors as long as possible, answer due diligence questions as quickly as possible, and keep morale up so none of our remaining staff quit yet. My sister can't help me. Nobody can help me, and my co-workers and their families are all depending on me. If I could trade challenges with my sister and try to handle my mom, I would give it a shot, for the variety if nothing else. But here's the reality: I can't switch problems with my sister. She can't do anything about my situation, but dumping mom on me without warning like this is not going to happen. Is my sister going to take over handling the vendors and the investors and the employees here? Is my sister going to give me money when I lose my job? Is she going to make my house payments for me? No, but she could at least handle our mom. I would like to help and take my mom in for a while, but I can't do that until late July at the soonest. I talked to my aunt and uncles last night, and that's where they stand, too. They want to help, but they need time to get ready.

By the way, I'm getting conflicting reports about the situation. My mom sounds happy on the phone, but she doesn't really remember anything to be unhappy about most of the time. Except for her freakout yesterday, my sister is saying that she can handle things for now, and that late summer is good enough for her. Her fiance is secretly contacting me and saying that my sister really needs a break immediately, starting this week. I'm starting to wonder if maybe he means that he needs a break starting this week. And he knows that my sister doesn't agree with him, so he's trying to get me to volunteer for something that my sister wouldn't ask right now. So I'm done with his secrecy. I'm talking to my sister tonight and telling her what is being discussed behind her back. And then I'm emailing my mom's siblings to get them into the loop, and including my sister in the email. This is going to need to be a group discussion between everybody who can potentially help.

[VincenzoG91]

You said a "retirement home" would cost $80,000/year. Your mom needs a "nursing home" A retirement home won't work for her. The two are very different lifestyles, at least here in Canada.

Good point. I don't work in the healthcare field and I carelessly used the wrong term. You are correct.

[Wakeup]

... are you saying then that a "nursing home" would cost $80,000?

Have you talked to any people from social services about what you all can do and what kinds of supplements your mom would be entitled to? Surely there is something else available to her before her own net worth is depleted down to nothing? What if you were to sell the house and put the money in an investment in yours and your sister's name.. same with any savings.. She'd then have "nothing" in her name and would be eligible for assistance of some kind. No?

[VincenzoG91]

In case people missed this point earlier in the thread, my sister is already getting help with my mom for 56 hours a week on average. That's eight hours a day.

[Wakeup]

In case people missed this point earlier in the thread, my sister is already getting help with my mom for 56 hours a week on average. That's eight hours a day.

Yes, I read that. Pray tell how did she wonder off then? Not once but three times now. (btw; when my mil started wondering off, is when we made arrangements to get her into a nursing home. Before a room became available (about 8 or so months later, she was incontenent).

[vashti]

You said a "retirement home" would cost $80,000/year. Your mom needs a "nursing home" A retirement home won't work for her. The two are very different lifestyles, at least here in Canada.

Unless she is ill, she doesn't necessarily need a nursing home, because she may not need *nursing* care. In the states, the better option seems to be housing that is set up for patients with dementia. A social worker can help find these. They are often operated out of actual homes that provide 24 hr/day supervision. Another option is assisted living, or even adult daycare, if someone in the family will keep her at night.