should I tell him

[annie19]

Hi, so I'm new to this online forum stuff.. I felt like I needed advice from a stranger and so thought a site like this might be useful, at least if I make a tit out of myself I don't have to see the other person's face. I just feel like I need to speak to someone so I hope someone can offer an opinion.


About 3 years ago I started a relationship with a guy I had known several years, we had been really close friends since we met and he was the type of guy you could be an absolute prat in front of and not feel at all uncomfortable. I'd never met a male friend I could be this way with.
When we both became single at the same time we got together and nothing really changed between us except for romantically. We were still two goofing around teenagers. We had a lot in common and spent most of our time together.
We were together for about two years and gradually things burnt out. He was starting to get a bit too serious about us, would bring up talk about 'kids' which scared me and I became distant. We were only 18.
Anyway, when we broke up he took it badly. At first he tried to persuade me that we were better together. I missed him a lot, but knew we were young and needed time to meet other people and be our own people. Our relationship had been a very dependent one and probably wasn't healthy.
After a month or so of being apart he started acting really violent towards me and started to get nasty. It was completely out of character and it startled me how different a person I was so close to could become.
He wrote me an apology letter but we didn't contact each other for a year.

I bumped into him randomly one day and we got talking, it was nice to see him after so long looking well. Not long after that he contacted me suggesting we go for a drink, which I was up for. It was great to meet up and it's funny how much someone can change and grow in a year. He was outgoing and hugely independent. We stayed in contact and met up now and again frequently until he went off travelling for a year on his own.

A few weeks ago he told me he was back home for a few weeks. We met up and it was so good to see him. We have been texting a bit and yesterday morning I spent in his company. I haven't laughed as much as I did with him in a very long time. And as I was driving home I had this swell of sadness in my chest. I don't know why but I felt tearful. And it's dawned on me that I still really care about him. I don't know the extent of my feelings, all I know is that he is encompassing my thoughts. He goes back travelling in a couple of weeks and although I am so happy that he is experiencing the most amazing things across the world and meeting so many people, a small and completely selfish part of me feels like wrapping myself around him.
I don't want to tell him how I feel because if there was a slight and probably very doubtful chance that he still has any feelings for me then I could completely **** with his head and his life. That is the last thing I want.
I think the best and unselfish thing to do is to let it go and not tell him how I feel. Even if the feelings were reciprocated, what good would it do?
Any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks for reading :-)

[lalalita]

If you "don't know the extend of your feelings", don't burden him with getting his hopes up for nothing.

[VerticalMoon]

The violent outburst sounds like some cause for concern. Because if he did it once, he could do it again. The only reason I'm giving this any hope at all is because you had such a long history with him, and you say it was completely out of character. But still if that's the way he reacts to emotional duress, then you'd be putting yourself at risk if you got back together with him. Make sure he's gotten some anger management treatment before you think of getting back together with him.

I'd also wait until you see him again in person, then see how you feel. If your feelings turn out to be temporary, you don't want to risk upsetting him. On the other hand, if there's something real and lasting there, then you may be able to rekindle the relationship. Maybe this time you're ready for something more serious. Assuming he's still interested in you, of course. And like I said, make sure he's been treated for anger management before you consider any of this.

[annie19]

Thanks for your advice. I think I still love him.

[Zaz01]

It's like that song, skater boy? Isn't it? He grew into this great person. I say go for it. Life is too short. Except...do you feel you'd drag him down somehow. Hold him back? Seems to me, ironically...you're the one who wanted to grow outside the relationship...and he outgrew you...so you're scared you'd hold him back? Did you grow as well? Anyway, life is too short. Remember that.

[okwhat2013]

He is an adult, tell him how you feel. It's funny that you think you are so powerful that you can ruin someone else's life by just telling them you like them. :-) good luck.