Date others or hope this works out?

**learning1** · 16-05-13, 06:49 AM

Was dating this guy who broke up w me because of long distance (will be 1 year for sure, maybe several more) and also because he said his parents would disown him since I'm not his culture/religion. But even the day he Broke up w me, he was crying & saying "nothing has to change between us just because we're not officially dating, other than the obvious stuff like not having sex... I'll still take care of you & I still want to see you, I care about you so much." Well I blew him off for a while, & he eventually literally came to find me when he knew I was playing at an orchestra concert. Said stuff about how he can't handle me being mad at him- it depresses him & he can't live without me.

So recently we hung out a few times. It's been very romantic, lots of making out & saying sweet things. But i assumed we still werent gonna be dating again. Then he surprised me by saying "So let's take things slow & see how it goes, ok? ... Ive just never felt this way about anyone before... Youre so amazing and i cant be without you." Meaning- we will know in a few months whether we'll be super super far apart next year or not bad, & he wants to reconsider going against his family apparently too. In the meantime he refuses to have sex bc he said he never wants to do anything wrong or hurt me so "until we're sure this will be a permanent thing, I'll wait, as hard as it is." here's my question- in the meantime, do I Date others? What is going on here? The "answer" won't come for another 3 months meaning Whether we'll be "too far" apart for multiple more years.

**Wakeup** · 16-05-13, 07:13 AM

You need to discuss that with him, not us. Hopefully he'll be honest with you this time and not just keep at it until you cave have sex and then he marries his parents choice for him. You're foolish if you don't insist on meeting his parents before you have sex. Talk to him about exclusivity.

**learning1** · 16-05-13, 07:15 AM

True. Should I ask him "given everything you've been saying, do you consider us exclusively dating/in a relationship right now or not?", and if he says no then I can casually date others?

**Wakeup** · 16-05-13, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by learning1

True. Should I ask him "given everything you've been saying, do you consider us exclusively dating/in a relationship right now or not?", and if he says no then I can casually date others?

It would be better if you ask HIM to be exclusive and if he won't be, then dump his brown ass. If he agress to exclusivity, then ask to be introduced to his parents. If he says "no" then same answer.

He won't want you dating others, I'm sure... but, he'll think its fine to be married and keep 'dating' you.

You really need to look out for your own emotional best interests with this guy. He's alread been honest with you and now I have a feeling he's just telling you what you want to hear to keep the status quo. Like I said before, until he invites you to his parents and introduces you as his girlfriend, nothing has changed from your very first post. Has it?

**learning1** · 16-05-13, 07:34 AM

Since this is the first time he's felt seriously about a girl/he doesn't have much relationship experience, & we don't know whether we'll be 3000 or 30 miles apart for the next few years (& won't know for a few more months), I think he has good reason not to want tO go through huge drama & introduce me to his family right now. But I need to know if he considers us exclusively dating right now- because if not then why am I just hanging around waiting & not dating others?

**Wakeup** · 16-05-13, 07:39 AM

yes.. talk to him. Exclusivity has to be a mutually agreed upon dynamic. Frankly if you're going to be thousands of miles away, I'd not agree to be exclusive with you if I were him... Particularily when you're not even having sex. What a waste of both your time.. especially yours since he's pretty much told you that he'll be adhering to the tradition of his culture.

I'm not you though so good luck with whatever you decide.

**learning1** · 18-05-13, 08:43 AM

Thanks. That's sort of my point. I just moved far away. He was the one who suddenly brought up, "Can we see how things go between us? I've just never felt this way about anyone before..." No one would move in that direction unless they truly cared, because long distance isn't a fun way to just "pass time." He could've just said, "I'll always be your friend, but no sense in being more than that because of the distance." Easy excuse.

**Wakeup** · 18-05-13, 09:20 AM

Its your call whether or not you want to play bf/gf with a guy who has told you that he will not go against his parents wishes.

I wish you good luck.

Personally: If I were you, I'd not be exclusive with a guy who has a wife waiting to be betrothed to. Not only do you need to get over him, but he'll likely need to get over you too within the near future. My way of thinking is: Might as well do it now that its only been 4 months then a couple of years down the road when it will "shread" (Indi tm) you. Going no contact is the best way to wash someone out of your system.

**learning1** · 19-05-13, 08:25 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

Its your call whether or not you want to play bf/gf with a guy who has told you that he will not go against his parents wishes.

No, he's saying that he will introduce me to his parents. But not now and I think I get it. Once he introduces me to his parents, we may as well be engaged because it's a huge, controversial, difficult step & he'd better be serious to do it. He's only known me for 6 months total, and we are just now starting to be long distance -- should we really be expected to know, right now, if we want to stay together for life? We don't even know how long distance is gonna go for a month yet. and the long distance could go on for 2 additional years, we won't know till fall.

I think "waiting and seeing" is a totally reasonable plan. But if I suspected there was little to no chance he'd ever stand up to his family regardless, then obviously I should be dating others in the meantime. But is there really any other way to know that than trust him?

**Wakeup** · 19-05-13, 09:25 AM

I have no other advice. It doesn't matter how many times you explain the situation because the bottomline is that it all leads back to the very same place of ambiguity you were in when he told you that he'd be marrying a bride his parents choose for him. Me? I'd never see him or talk to him again so I could get over him instead of staying and bonding even more and being gutted when he says "oh by the way, I'm getting married next weekend so I won't be able to see you for a couple of months." (or some such).

Do you honestly think his mother will ever accept you into their family with open arms? Not likely.

**learning1** · 19-05-13, 09:34 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

instead of staying and bonding even more and being gutted when he says "oh by the way, I'm getting married next weekend so I won't be able to see you for a couple of months." (or some such).

Do you honestly think his mother will ever accept you into their family with open arms? Not likely.

I agree and I also feel that he'd be putting himself through the same pain, attachment, and eventual misery as me if he chooses to enter into a relationship again with me. Yet he's choosing it. By pure self-preservation he shouldn't want to be with me if he were really so sure he'd never go against his parents.

**Wakeup** · 19-05-13, 10:02 AM

As i've said before.. I've read several threads from girls like yourself who have been crushed when their Indian bf uncerimoniously just stops seeing them after he marries.

Men seem better at being able to keep their emotions out of a relationship and just enjoy the sex (yes you mentioned no sex.. but how long do you think that will keep up? No need to answer, just sayin.)

Good luck.

**learning1** · 12-07-13, 12:46 PM

UPDATE: I am disgusted. He keeps saying how he's praying i'll want to be his friend because he wants to "share his life" with me. HOW can this man not see how incredibly selfish it is to think I'll want to hear about his new wife someday? Not to mention the fact that if he truly loved me the way he kept claiming, he'd be with me & make sacrifices for me!! He never even tried to tell his parents about me 1 time, even though his older brother recently refused an arranged marriage of his own!!

**basilandthyme** · 12-07-13, 02:10 PM

Learning, just tell him to "keep on prayin"

In the meantime, drop him from your life - it's the only way to heal

**michelle23** · 12-07-13, 07:09 PM

I agree that you should dump him and tell him you dont want to see or hear from him again. Even if he is head over heels in love with you and wants to marry you-he cant coz his parents will make his life a living hell. You have no future with this guy so you are wasting your time.

Find a man who can commit to you and doesnt have to worry at all about what other people will say or think

Best of luck

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