Jealousy

[Truly]

Hi, this is my first post and a little nervous, please help!

I have been dating a wonderful guy for a little over a year now and love him to pieces. He has helped me in so many ways but I think I am ruining it.
When we first began dating he said that he had never been with a girl before me and didn't notice girls.

One day he was on Facebook and got all worried that one of his friends had deleted their Facebook account, I got suspicious because he seemed quite concerned. (Now I know what I did next was very stupid of me). I hacked into his account and looked up the girl. When I saw his messages there was a lot of them talking about what had happened in the past with them ect.. I found out that he had had an online relationship with her for 2 years and they had planned to meet up with each other. More messages explained that he thought he was falling in love with her, after a while she said that she didn't know her feelings for him and I believe broke his heart.

They still kept in touch.

I began feeling very jealous as she is a very pretty girl and they both had a connection (racially). I was upset as he had never told me any of this. When I did confront him the first time he still tried to deny it but then I told him I had been on his account and seen the messages. He didn't actually get angry, he then of course admitted to it and hadn't told me because it was in the past.

The thing is I can not get over it. I found a picture of her on his computer in her bikini, and messages he had kept from MSN. He has said he hasn't thought about that in years and it was over, in the past.
It's been months since then but I can not stop thinking and worrying about her. Being jealous of how she looks ect...

How do you get rid of this feeling?

I mean I asked him where he wants to go in life with me and one of the places he mentioned was where she lives now and I burst out crying. (Paranoid).

Any advice would help, please! I am 19 and the man I am with is 15 years my senior. Thanks.

[michelle23]

It sounds like he is still attached to her on an emotional level. He would not keep all her messages, pictures and keep in touch with her if it really was "in the past" and if he was completely over her.

Guys who cling to the past or who are still hung up on an ex or a past crush are dangerous and you should break up with him. If he gets a chance with her at some point in the future-he will likely dump you or even cheat.

I think its an insecurity thing where they can never let go of some stupid infatuation. Its not worth it.

My gut is saying you are second best to him especially if he is still in contact with her. I would get rid of him now and find someone who is not pining for anyone else

You only get a few chances at real love so dont settle and dont be second best

Good luck x

[TablesandChairs]

He told you he didn't notice girls before you? He's in his 30's darling, of course he's 'noticed' other girls...as for not having been with other girls before you...he's clearly feeding you pretty little lies to keep you happy. I would find it really strange if a man in his 30's said that to me...I would expect that he's had other long-term relationships.

I have heaps of photos, emails etc on my computer from past partners...I just don't bother to delete them. Some I don't want to delete; they're memories, my past...that said, I never look at them but it's nice to have them, like it's nice to have childhood photos etc.

If he's not over his ex, that's a clear sign you should proceed with caution. But you should also try not to be so gullible.

[Am I crazy?]

Oh good lord some of you women on here only feed the insecurity of others. In your world every single man who has ever had a past that he is still connected to in any way should be dumped and erased from your lives. That's pathetic. We all have pasts and this guy is no different. Perhaps he kept it from you because he knew how you would react? Seems logical to me. Why do so many people feel that when they move on from a relationship that they should erase the past. Geez, I bet some of theses women here would love to have lobotomies done to their men to erase their memories of past women if they could.

So what if the guy has fond memories of this girl. Lots of people still have feelings for past loves but that does not mean in any way that he is going to dump you and run off with her at the first chance. Its like this, if this guy were to dump you do you think that two years from now you may still have feelings for him on some level?

Also, did you ever ask him why he wanted to move to the same city as her? it may have nothing to do with the girl and everything to do with where the jobs are.

And finally, Snooping and hacking into his facebook account was just plain wrong. If I were him I would take a good look at your insecurity and jealousy issues and make the move to the other city without you.

[Valixy]

You have to grow up a little bit and be strong. There are always ex-es in anyone's life, people they had a relationship with, or wanted to, or simply people they liked and fantasied about. He had an online relationship with a girl that didn't like him enough. So what? Maybe you also had a relationship with another guy before him, or just a fling, or simply liked and thought of a guy. Does this mean that your love for him is not real? Should he start going through your emails, chats, phone and find something that he should obsess over?

You could ask him to stop communicating with that girl if this is important to you though. This is something many people discuss with their partners and find their lives to be less stressing when the ex-es stop being involved in any way. While some disagree on this, the truth is that most of the people like it when the ex is completely out of the picture. This is not always possible though, so you have to trust the relationship you have with him. He is with you because he loves you, as simple as that. Enjoy the moment and make the best of it because there is never a guarantee of what the future holds for anyone, but you can project a better future by being confident, positive and relaxed.

[michelle23]

I agree that having a few pictures is not a big deal but he should not be keeping in contact with her and he did keep her a secret which is a red flag.

OP talk to him, tell him how you feel, ask him to be honest and get your questions answered. Then follow your instincts and do what you feel is best. If your gut is screaming that he still wants her, then get rid of him

[TablesandChairs]

In my experience, it's the people who are suffocated in their relationships and are made to feel like they have to 'dispose' of their past, cut contact with anyone who could even remotely be called a 'threat', that are more likely to cheat and/or break up with you. Normal, adjusted people that are of a certain age have past relationships, have friendships...they may still have some contact with ex's where the split was amicable (FB for example). I'm Facebook friends with one of my ex's - we basically grew up together so it's nice to say 'hi' every so often.

Maybe I'm biased but I've been in a relationship where my boyfriend wanted me to pretend like I had been born the day I met him. That relationship didn't last too long.

[michelle23]

We are not saying that ^^. Your pulling that out of your ass and blowing it completely out of proportion. Its fine to say hello, be polite, whatever especially if you live in the same town but going out of your way to keep in touch, to be friends etc to cling to memories is a different story entirely.

And nobody is saying that the past should be erased. All we are saying is she should ensure that he is emotionally available so he is willing and able to commit to her and give her his heart. IF he is still pining for ms online fantasy robot relationship-then he will have a hard time committing to anyone.

Its called being realistic and using your loaf. It has nothing to do with being smothering, controlling or insecure

And if the OP thinks he does still have feelings for her, then instead of sticking around, obsessing, smothering, becoming increasingly insecure and jealous-she should call it quits and meet someone who is not in love with anyone else.

Its common sense