Should I have concerns about my boyfriend watching a movie with another girl...ALONE?

[Daisy415]

Is it normal for your boyfriend to see a movie with the opposite sex......alone?

Must know background information: My boyfriend has known this girl for the last ten years, they lost contact with each other for a number of years because she moved away for work. She recently moved back into the city and they bumped into each other and exchanged phone numbers again. Since then, they have been in constant contact with each other.

The relationship they had was always had for as long as they've known each other was your typical female/male type of friendship. They have never dated or expressed attractive feelings towards each other.

An incident that caused me to scratch my head was when my boyfriend simply asked her if she was still dating the same guy as before, she replied and told him he shouldn’t make those type of assumptions. (she stopped talking to him for two months due to that).

I mentioned earlier that they always had a simple friendship with no attraction or sexual interest towards each other. However, I have heard him mention that there are lots of men who thinks she is very good-looking and would love to date her. I've never had any concerns when they met up for coffee, go for walks in the park, have lunch together because I have solid trust in him, never had concerns up until recently….

She has asked him to go on a vacation alone with her, she has asked him to join her and her friends for drinks at a lounge. (She expects him to go alone as I don’t know her at all). He told me all of these invitations he rejected. (She knows he is not available and he's been in a long-term relationship with me)

After the major requests were rejected, she began with smaller ones…such as inviting him to go to watch a movie together. One day while I was in the car with him, a text message came through and it was her asking him if he wanted to watch a movie. His reply to her was “who else is going?”…she became furious and sent a reply back by saying “nevermind, that offer has been retracted”. She got mad because she said he made the assumption that they were going to watch it with more than just the two of them. He apologized and told her they can watch it alone the next day if that’s what she wants.

The next day arrives and I expressed my frustration to him that “he always complains about driving long distances to places but yet you aren't complaining & is willing to drive all the way across the city to meet her for a movie”? After that dispute, he cancelled the plans and have scheduled it next week on a day which I work but they both have off.

I never used to worry about anything regarding him and his friendships as I think he should know what is right and wrong and he’s an adult in a committed relationship. Somehow, that self-talk and attempt to re-assure myself hasn't helped.

I have asked myself the questions…is she trying to tempt him? Create a situation in which he can slip up? Why am I thinking these things…do I have reasons to be thinking like this?

Nowadays, I get a little worried and always wonder what’s being said whenever I see one of those smiles on his face when he text messages.

My gut is telling me I should have a slight concern…

Any constructive advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[Zaz01]

Yup. "the offer has been retracted"...that part says everything. That's not friendship talk. When she gets upset over him asking who else is going, that's the type of talk and interraction that only happens in dating. So yes, she is trying to tempt him. If that's how she responded to him, I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet.

[Daisy415]

That's totally messed up. She knows he's already dating someone. Why is she being like that!?

[Zaz01]

Some people are just like that. Might be different values, might be challenging for them, might be them liking the taste of forbidden fruit, who knows. That is irrelevant for you. I think you should tell your bf what you suspect and if he doesn't suspect it himself than he's either naive, lying or maybe he just likes the ego boost, And yes, I'm judging all that by the offer has been retracted part. Chicks can often be paranoid when it comes to male-female friendships but if it's really like you said it is, it's obvious she's trying to tempt him.

[searock]

Yes, you should be concerned. It's clear that she has feelings for him, and I think he has feelings for her as well, or he wouldn't put up with that sort of petty drama. His relationship with his female "friend" reminds me of the relationship I had with my boyfriend when he was in a romantic relationship with another girl: it's called "emotional relationship", and it eventually drove him to break up with his (now ex) girlfriend and start dating me.

How old are you two? It sounds like he's making this silly mistake of not taking the risk of emotional infidelity seriously. He's on the road to disaster and he should be made aware of that. You shouldn't have to be in the situation in which you worry about what is being said when he's texting another girl, in which you have to swallow your concerns about him going on dates with another girl (no matter that nothing physical happens - emotional cheating IS cheating).

Have you ever gone out with the two of them? Next time she invites him over, ask him if you can tag along and see what happens.

[searock]

People can often be paranoid when it comes to male-female friendships but if it's really like you said it is, it's obvious she's trying to tempt him.

I corrected this^ sentence for you, Zaz01.

[KiraK]

It definitely sounds like she's wanting more from their relationship than just friends. The irrational bursts of anger point clearly towards that. She wants to be prioritized above you and when you're the guy's girlfriend, that's clearly not acceptable. You should tell him it's making you a little uncomfortable and see what he does.

You haven't said anything in your post that suggests you doubt his loyalty to you and he's been turning down the offers, so you can't really get mad at him. I'd bite the bullet and tell him you'd like to meet this girl he's spending all this time with. Maybe if you hang out with them she'll get that he's with you and back off. It would also be interesting to see how she behaves when you turn up. If she's stroppy, she wants him all to herself.

[toknow]

Yes.......

[fearoflove]

You've expressed your concern about it and he is still making plans with her. Time to use another strategy. Give him a bit of distance and see if he comes running back to you.
If he is a cheater, there is nothing you can do about that. Stay calm and let things unfold.

[michelle23]

give him an ultimatum. That is what I would do. "her or me and you have ten seconds to make your choice before I walk out of your life and never come back". It sounds like he has not cheated on you and he is trying to keep their friendship as platonic as possible which is a good thing BUT she wants him for herself so give him the choice and do it now.

Dont tolerate this. Walk away if he is unwilling to get rid of her completely. Its not worth the pain when he finally cheats or dumps you for her and that is what will happen if you dont nip this in the bud now.

She sounds like a manipulative twisted bitch but it will be too late by the time he realizes that

Good luck

[michelle23]

His relationship with his female "friend" reminds me of the relationship I had with my boyfriend when he was in a romantic relationship with another girl: it's called "emotional relationship", and it eventually drove him to break up with his (now ex) girlfriend and start dating me.

Searock, are you worried that he may do the same thing to you? Say ten years from now when you are married with two or three young children and life is crazy and hectic and you dont have as much time for each other (temporarily)-that hell go and have an affair coz he cant cope and does not know how to deal with relationship problems in a healthy manner? Just something to think about.

[searock]

Searock, are you worried that he may do the same thing to you? Say ten years from now when you are married with two or three young children and life is crazy and hectic and you dont have as much time for each other (temporarily)-that hell go and have an affair coz he cant cope and does not know how to deal with relationship problems in a healthy manner? Just something to think about.

I think we both learned a lot from what happened to us... we now know how to not fall into the "trap" of emotional affairs. Or at least we know a lot more than we used to (I was in a relationship too, when I had the emotional affair with him) before it happened. So in a way I think it's actually a good thing that we both went trough it and learned our lesson the hard way.

[michelle23]

I know a couple who got together ten years ago through an affair. ten years and 3 kids later-he cheated on her with some ten year younger skank and now there finished. You may have learned your lesson-just be sure he has too.

[searock]

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't physically cheat on me. Our affair was completely emotional (no physical contact at all), and it only took place because his relationship was a LDR in which she wouldn't even want to talk to him on the phone and they went for months without seeing each other, just texting sporadically. She never even wanted to have sex with him on the rare occasions that they did see each other. It took him a long time to break up with her because she was his first "real" girlfriend, they got together when he was only 17 (they used to be high school classmates) and he felt too guilty about it (to make things worse, she was very good at guilt-manipulating him). He should have broken up with her months before our affair even began... if his relationship had been a fulfilling, happy one, it probably wouldn't have even begun.

In any case, I actually think it's a good thing that he now knows what emotional affairs are and how they begin - he would have been clueless if it hadn't ever happened to him. I don't think that the fact that it happened to him makes him more vulnerable to it happening again... he may have a predisposition towards emotional affairs (or else he wouldn't have gotten in one with me, same thing goes for me of course), but the fact that he has experienced one is a good thing precisely because now he knows what they are, how they begin, what to do to avoid them, etc.

[Wakeup]

I've never had any concerns when they met up for coffee, go for walks in the park, have lunch together because I have solid trust in him, never had concerns up until recently….

your boyfriend has been dating another women right under your nose. Where were you when he was spending all this one-on-one time with her? Were you available to join them but he didn't invite you?