Should I have concerns about my boyfriend watching a movie with another girl...ALONE?

[Daisy415]

your boyfriend has been dating another women right under your nose. Where were you when he was spending all this one-on-one time with her? Were you available to join them but he didn't invite you?

The times when they have met, he's always told me about it prior to the meeting. It's always her that initiates the get togethers, never him.

She never invites me because I don't know her at all and have only met her once and that was 10 years ago.

My job is quite demanding and busy so when the times when they hung out together, I'm usually still at the office. He lets me know that he's going to hang out with her and it's never behind my back. I don't object because I feel that it's normal for them to hang out together because they've been close friends for so long. And I feel like I can't say anything negative about the situation because what if I'm totally out to lunch with this and is just being paranoid?

I can't tell him to stop hanging out with her...what if he just really just sees her as a good friend?

If I knew 100% that he doesn't have an ounce of feeling towards her and absolutely only sees her as a normal friend, he can go hang out with her all he wants in that case. But I've been pulling out my hair trying to find the answer to that question but just looking at the facts (without having to ask him straight out)

By the way, tomorrow is the day that they are going to see the movie together. (I will wait to see if he tells me anything afterwards)

[Daisy415]

You've expressed your concern about it and he is still making plans with her.

I question myself if I may be simply acting too uptight, restrictive...I think to myself, it's just a movie...not that big of a deal. They are friends, going to see a movie in a public place...

[michelle23]

daisy you are being naive. sorry but he should not be that close to any girl but you. He hasn't seen her for years and all of a sudden she swoops back into his life like a hurricane and expects him to drop everything for her? If it really was all innocent, she would be happy that he has met you, that he is happy, she would want to meet you and become your friend too. She would invite you along. She wants him all to herself for a reason.

Your instincts are screaming that this is not right. Trust yourself enough to know that you are right about this and that something IS wrong. You would not be writing here otherwise. You need to be honest about how this makes you feel. He is your boyfriend and he should understand why you are not okay with this.

I would not sit back and allow this to happen. I would tell him straight that I do not approve of him spending one on one quality time doing dating activities with another woman. Would he go watch a movie alone with a male friend? Or a walk in the park? You need to tell him "its her friendship or our relationship" and if he cannot make up his
mind fairly fast I would make the decision for him and walk away.

This is a huge red flag and you need to open your eyes here. One or both of them has feelings for the other. It is obvious. Now you need to decide what you are going to do about it.

It is only a matter of time before she makes a move on him. Shell either try to kiss him, tell him she has feelings for him or try to turn him against you. I know it will be his fault if he cheats or goes along with it but do you really want to sit and wait for that to happen?

You also need to make sure that you are not second best to him. Ask him did he ever have feelings for her? Did anything ever happen between them? Did he ever want anything to happen between them? Ask him to be honest. Im almost positive that he always wanted her as more than a friend coz I dont think men and women are ever that close unless there is a hidden agenda

[Wakeup]

The times when they have met, he's always told me about it prior to the meeting. It's always her that initiates the get togethers, never him.

So whats your point? You are being left behind while he dates his emotional connection. If you think what he is doing is okay, then why are you hear asking us what we think?

She never invites me because I don't know her at all and have only met her once and that was 10 years ago.

it's not up to her to invite you. It's up to YOUR boyfriend to invite you and if she' doesn't like it and doesn't want you there, then he shouldn't go either. How disrespected they BOTH are to you.

My job is quite demanding and busy so when the times when they hung out together, I'm usually still at the office.

So are you giving him permission to hang with another woman while you're at work? If you are, then why do you want our opinion?

He lets me know that he's going to hang out with her and it's never behind my back.

So, whats your point? Just because you know that he's going out with her, it doesn't make it right unless you're perfectly fine with their relationship and him dating her. He, IMO is a selfish ass wipe who is stagnating a girl who obviously is in love with him from finding a man that is single and she can bond with. He knows how she feels about him and he keeps her stagnated. I think your attenion whore of a bf should tell her he won't be hanging out with her without you anymore so she can move on emotionally and find her own man. He makes it so she doesn't have to find a man of her own.

I don't object because I feel that it's normal for them to hang out together because they've been close friends for so long. And I feel like I can't say anything negative about the situation because what if I'm totally out to lunch with this and is just being paranoid?

So don't come to a forum full of strangers and ask our opinion if you've already formed your own and are too afraid to demand a little respect from the two of them, then. That's all I can say.

I can't tell him to stop hanging out with her...what if he just really just sees her as a good friend?

You can ask him to cut out the one on one time with her which you feel is becoming disrespectful to you and then, so that SHE can get over her romantic feelings for him and find her own boyfriend, you can tell him that you believe she's being stagnated from finding someone permanent because of the attenion he bestows upon her. Has he ever asked himself why she isn't with a romantic partner (or is she? If she is, what does HER bf say about her dating another man?).

If I knew 100% that he doesn't have an ounce of feeling towards her and absolutely only sees her as a normal friend, he can go hang out with her all he wants in that case. But I've been pulling out my hair trying to find the answer to that question but just looking at the facts (without having to ask him straight out)

Are you kidding me? Her anger at him when he hints at not being alone with her is enough and you know it. You're hear because you don't like it and your gut is telling you something. From what I'm reading, the only thing that separates you from her is (probably?) sex. you're hardly his SIGNIFICANT other from what I'm reading. Me? I'd tell him to go to her and quit this bs disguise of 'simple friendship' they (especially her) are trying to push off on you and others.

By the way, tomorrow is the day that they are going to see the movie together. (I will wait to see if he tells me anything afterwards)

one word for you: Doormat. Your bf is dating two people. you're one, she's the other. Does she not have any female friends that she can to to the movies with? Does he not have any male friends?

To each their own however; I'm shaking my head why you care what we think since you're accepting his behaviour and disrespect to your relationship and, you have no intentions of changing the status quo.

[michelle23]

shes afraid of finding out that he does like his "friend". That is why she is being passive. Denial is wonderful thing love coz it allows you to protect yourself from pain but believe me you can only stay in denial for so long.

You are too passive. My bf would not dare pull this crap with me coz he knows Id be gone in a heartbeat and some other geezer would snap me up and sweep me off my feet. Seriously girl you need to demand more respect.

Being too nice gets you nowhere. Show him what your worth.

knowing what your worth is priceless as it means you wont let anyone screw you over especially not some self entitled whore who thinks she can swoon in and destroy what you and he have

[UnderTheMoon]

I know this is a little huffy but, what a conniving witch! You should be worried because you know what, it takes two. I am sitting here and getting mad for you because that is just ridiculous. I'd tell him how I felt, and I would tell him I was no longer comfortable with him having her and I do say her SPECIFICALLY for a friend. If he has another female friend that doesn't do that then I would compare and explain. I though would guarantee despite how much I cared because I have been in this situation myself, either he quit or you quit because I had to do it. Keep calm of course, maintain composure but don't be idle. If she thinks you're just going to sit back without any real complaints then she will keep going and he needs to know just how much you don't like it. A woman's gut is her intuition and it's kind of a fight or flight reflex kicking in because you are feeling the threat that is definitely there. I hate to be negative but I read your post and it made me fume for you.

[UnderTheMoon]

Amen Michelle! Let it be said that this is the truth!

shes afraid of finding out that he does like his "friend". That is why she is being passive. Denial is wonderful thing love coz it allows you to protect yourself from pain but believe me you can only stay in denial for so long.

You are too passive. My bf would not dare pull this crap with me coz he knows Id be gone in a heartbeat and some other geezer would snap me up and sweep me off my feet. Seriously girl you need to demand more respect.

Being too nice gets you nowhere. Show him what your worth.

knowing what your worth is priceless as it means you wont let anyone screw you over especially not some self entitled whore who thinks she can swoon in and destroy what you and he have

[michelle23]

I know this is a little huffy but, what a conniving witch! You should be worried because you know what, it takes two. I am sitting here and getting mad for you because that is just ridiculous. I'd tell him how I felt, and I would tell him I was no longer comfortable with him having her and I do say her SPECIFICALLY for a friend. If he has another female friend that doesn't do that then I would compare and explain. I though would guarantee despite how much I cared because I have been in this situation myself, either he quit or you quit because I had to do it. Keep calm of course, maintain composure but don't be idle. If she thinks you're just going to sit back without any real complaints then she will keep going and he needs to know just how much you don't like it. A woman's gut is her intuition and it's kind of a fight or flight reflex kicking in because you are feeling the threat that is definitely there. I hate to be negative but I read your post and it made me fume for you.

I agree. Complete strangers on here have more fire and passion over this than you do OP. Its time to take action. She is his past. You are his present and hopefully future. You are more important and you need to put your foot down here. Either she goes or you do. You dont need people like this b**th in his or your life. She has a hidden agenda and he needs to wise up.

You said they have been in constant contact? Texting constantly? That is not a friendship OP. What friends do you do that with? Its called an emotional affair and he is practically dating her.

He more than likely does have feelings for her so what are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna let him go and let her have him without a fight? (theres nothing wrong with that if you do as hes already crossed a line) or are you gonna give him an ultimatum? Its your choice. Doing nothing is not one of them

[searock]

You said they have been in constant contact? Texting constantly? That is not a friendship OP. What friends do you do that with? Its called an emotional affair and he is practically dating her.

Hear, hear!

[Am I crazy?]

In this particular situation it sounds like the other girl is trying to snag a boyfriend, otherwise the current Gf would not be a deal breaker when making plans. I have no problems with guys and girls having close friendships but this girl is wanting more and its obvious. Having said that though, its up to your BF to realize what is going on and limit his contact. If you jump in as the angry GF and set rules and try to limit his contact it will probably backfire in a very bad way for you. Your BF knows what the right thing to do is and knows what is going on.

[michelle23]

bf has his head in his ass and thinks the whore is just being friendly. Hes even more naive than the OP.

[vashti]

I bet a lot of guys would like having a girlfriend as tolerant as you.... not many women would allow their boyfriends to date another woman while they sit at home (or work).

If your boyfriend doesn't understand what's happening here, he must be semi-retarded, but I believe he DOES understand, and is enjoying all the attention.

[fearoflove]

I question myself if I may be simply acting too uptight, restrictive...I think to myself, it's just a movie...not that big of a deal. They are friends, going to see a movie in a public place...

There is definitely more to it than friendship. But stay calm about it. Just a guy. It is not the end of the world. You can give him an ultimatum (as others suggest) but you have to evaluate what kind of person you are and what kind of person he is. Once you issue an ultimatum, you have to stick to your guns. You have to be uncompromising and completely ready to go no contact. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I know many of my guyfriends and past boyfriends where I or some girl have issued an ultimatum to get something (marriage, commitment, etc) and never gets it! It just turns guys off.

An alternative approach is to distance yourself. Make it seem like you don't care and make no drama about it. Contact him less and start a social life of your own (and have your own guyfriends or girlfriends to hang out with). But again, with this approach, you have to evaluate what kind of person you are. Are you calm to the core? You would have to resist all temptations to get angry, flustered, etc. I always find the application of distance work on guys because it is extremely seductive. Just personal experience.

Pick a strategy and stick to it.

[michelle23]

ultimatums dont work when it comes to marriage, kids etc obviously. You cant force someone into those things but we are talking about cheating here. He knows the difference between right and wrong and I think an ultimatum is a good idea as he is crossing a fundamental relationship boundary.

Distance will only delay the inevitable breakup and wont solve anything.

You could find a new best male friend to prove your point OP and see how he likes you dating some other guy. If he asks what your doing tonight? Say "found myself a new best friend, Im gonna go for dinner with him tonight while you watch your movie with your gf, I didn't realize you wanted an open relationship but if its okay for you to date someone, then I will too".

Make sure you look super hot too

[fearoflove]

ultimatums dont work when it comes to marriage, kids etc obviously. You cant force someone into those things but we are talking about cheating here. He knows the difference between right and wrong and I think an ultimatum is a good idea as he is crossing a fundamental relationship boundary.

Distance will only delay the inevitable breakup and wont solve anything.

Michelle, I do believe that ultimatums don't work in general. The OP's boyfriend has not cheated yet. He didn't have sex or had any physical intimacy with that girl yet (or that we know so far). Interpreting it as cheating is overreacting. I wouldn't brand it as emotional cheating either because they haven't talked about having sex. I am a firm believer that if anyone has been cheated on, the person should end all relations immediately and don't even give the cheater the time of day (for an ultimatum).

You could find a new best male friend to prove your point OP and see how he likes you dating some other guy. If he asks what your doing tonight? Say "found myself a new best friend, Im gonna go for dinner with him tonight while you watch your movie with your gf, I didn't realize you wanted an open relationship but if its okay for you to date someone, then I will too".

Make sure you look super hot too

LMAO. This is actually a witty way of going about it.