Sexless marriage, what to do?

[SW213]

All of my friends are either single, or in seemingly "happy" marriages, so I have no one to turn to on this issue.

Let me start by saying my husband and I first met when we were both 18. He's super tall and fairly lean, while I am short and, well, definitely not skinny. That was never an issue for us. Sexually, everything was great, beyond great going into our second and third year together. We moved in together and then in our 4th year of dating he proposed. 6 months or so after that, things started to slow down. I attributed it to wedding stress, job stress, just general "The honeymoon period doesn't last forever". I figured once we were married it would pick back up again. I was wrong. We had sex maybe 4 or 5 times the first year we were married.

There were some, in my mind, traumatizing experiences with sex that led me to not even want to try anymore. It got to the point where he would have to stop 3 or 4 times in the middle of it to get himself "up and at 'em" again. Of course, each time this happened, it chipped away at my self-esteem more and more because in my mind each time things went soft, it was because I wasn't turning him on anymore. I did confront him about this after a while, to which he said I was being ridiculous. It was him, it was too hot and he was uncomfortable, the cat was in the room and it was weird, etc. But he assured me that it was not me.

As I said in the beginning, I've always been bigger, ever since he's known me. So when he told me it wasn't me, I believed him (a little) because logically, if he had sex with me before and it wasn't a problem, why would it be a problem now? Well, I was still so ashamed to be in that vulnerable position that we ended up going about a year and a half without having sex. I know. I have no idea how a marriage survives that either. I know he masturbates a few times a week, he's told me before when I confronted him about how he was still with me without having sex or cheating. He doesn't have any issues there, when it's just him. Which leads me back to thinking it's me. We did end up ending the hiatus, but when it happened he didn't "finish" naturally, I had to assist. I was fine with that because we both got where we meant to go and everything seemed fine. Couple of weeks later, tried again and it was back to the old ways. He had to stop twice in a 5 minute period to try and get himself back up. I'm just laying there, thinking, "Seriously? It HAS to be me.." and I get so upset that I jump out of bed, lock myself in the bathroom and cry for half an hour.

My question is, what the hell do I do in such a situation? We're on a waiting list for a marriage/sex counselor. But is it even worth it? Does it seem like it's ME that he just isn't attracted to anymore? I mean if he can get himself off with no problem on his own, but then when he touches me becomes almost instantly deflated, how am I supposed to believe anything different? Just looking for some advice. Please don't be cruel, my self-esteem has already suffered enough for one lifetime. Thanks.

[michelle23]

This is something that happens to every man sometimes. Its important not to react, stay calm and just turn him on again. The bigger your reaction, the more likely it will happen again due to nerves, anxiety, stress etc. Also condoms can cause this to happen a lot so if you can-do without them and just go on the pill.

A year and a half is a long time to go without sex. You should not have let it get this bad and you both have a lot of work to do to make your marriage work. Definately go ahead with the sex therapy and counselling but also try to communicate better. Listen to him when he says "its not you" and approach issues calmly in future. You both need to stay calm and work through problems together and try not to let them escalate.

Look every marriage has its ups and downs, no relationship is perfect. Whats important now is to focus on fixing these problems and work together as a team.

if you are insecure about your weight, that is your problem, not his so maybe you should do something about it. It sounds like you do not like what you see when you look in the mirror and you think he sees you the same way. He loves you, he would not have married you otherwise and some men do like bigger women but its important that you feel comfortable in your own skin and like yourself for who you are so if your weight is a big issue for you-motivate yourself to do something about it so that you feel better.

[Wakeup]

I'm just laying there,

Have you tried blowing him to help him get it up? Are you "just laying there" usually or are you into giving him foreplay and keeping him stimulated? You don't give enough information about your actual love making when it does happen. I'm thinking if he can get it up and finish while masturbating then maybe he's not getting enough stimulation, passion, excitement during sex. Not blaming you, just asking some questions.

What kind of emotional connection do the two of you enjoy? Do you do lots of things outside the bedroom, keep yourselves mentally stimulated so that the physical stimulation follows? Do you flirt with one another during the day or do you just watch t.v. and then expect to be raring to get a leg over when it's time to go to sleep?

What's happening outside the bedroom usually translates inside the bedroom. Dull outside the bedroom, dull inside the bedroom. Exciting, stimulating life outside the bedroom, Exciting, stimulating life inside the bedroom. Know what I'm sayin?

[michelle23]

I agree. Its a myth that men dont need foreplay. They need it more and more as they get older. And if you really want him to be into it, you have to show ENTHUSIASM and passion. Its important.

And flirting, cuddling, kissing etc etc is important outside the bedroom. There is a lot more to intimacy than just sex

[dem862]

Well, first I hope he has consulted a physician to make sure there are not any medical problems that need to be dealt with: hypertension, diabetes, depression, anxiety, low testosterone, etc. I see a urologist who says erectile dysfunction can sometimes happen because there is not enough foreplay. I was conditioned to think that men didn't really need foreplay, but it helps a lot. You may have to do more than just lay there and expect him to do all the work. Sex is supposed to be fun, and when it becomes more work than fun, the male body will refuse to cooperate. When the body refuses to cooperate, the mind will start avoiding it altogether. Masturbation is still possible because there is not the stress of worrying about pleasing or being judged by another person, just pure self pleasure. And if a guy already has problems, it is easy to get distracted and lose his erection. I can't drink coffee before sex because it makes my mind go a million miles an hour and I can't concentrate. I had to figure that out myself. Sometimes if a song comes on I don't like, it is enough to interrupt my mood, or if I hear a strange noise outside. There is no one to blame. It sounds like you are trying to blame someone, either him or yourself. You have lost the idea that sex is supposed to be fun. Stop judging. Judging is not a part of sex. And throw in some variety for him. Use your hand or your mouth sometimes. Don't expect him to do it all, all the time. See if you can masturbate him to orgasm, so he isn't worried about pleasing you. It may take a while to get back to how it used to be. Also he may need to use one of the ED pills until you two get your confidence back.

[Boisdevie]

You go for a year and a half with no sex and you don't talk about this? Seriously, if you guys are unable to talk about important stuff like this then what is the point being married?

[Call Me Maybe]

he needs to be seen by a healthcare provider to make sure there are no underlying medical issues. Your husband may a medical condition that makes it difficult for him to achieve and/or maintain an erection. Contrary to most women's beliefs, it's not always b/c the guy doesn't find you attractive

[basilandthyme]

I agree that he needs to see a healthcare provider and rule out physical causes. If it's not physical then it probably is related to you in one way or another. Thing is, you're concentrating on your appearance - but it could also be the relationship itself which is failing.

Tell us, are you a pleasure to be around? Do you avoid nagging? Are you happy and fun? Positive attitude to life? Happy with yourself? Never bitchy? Interested in him and his life? Do the two of you still laugh together? Can the two you resolve disagreements without fighting and/or saying nasty words?

If this describes you, then you'll need to dig deeper for an answer. However, if you don't tick all the above boxes, then perhaps you'll find the solution in that list somewhere.

[misombra]

I would leave. No kids? Time to gtfo.

The issue is not only that he cant have sex with you. The real problem is he is not willing to communicate with hou or find a way to work it out.

You married too young. I'd cut my losses if i were you.

[Starnique]

A year and a half with no sex? If my guy went without a week without trying to get some, then I would be questioning him because it would be no way he could be around me without trying to get this. If it was something serious going on like medical or just something going on in life then I would be like okay, whatever but for our normal lifestyles....Something definaetly isn't right.