Confusing situation

[coloradocarl]

Hello Everyone,

I have a situation I need some input on. I'll try to keep it as short and sweet as possible. I work with women I asked out last year. She declined because she said she had a boyfriend. Since then we've begun talking, things have escalated to the point we both seem to like each other a lot and actually discuss it openly. Today she lowered the hammer and said it had to stop. She's in love with her boyfriend and she needs to stop the inappropriate parts of our friendship. She said it was a very difficult thing to do but it had to be done. She told me she cried about it last night, she was a wreck today and come to find out, cried about it tonight.

Of course, she wants to remain friends. I told her I didn't think I could do that without maintaining some level of hope and likely still having strong feelings for her. I told her if we see each other, I cannot turn off my feelings. She said she understood.

Tonight, she's texting me like mad again. I had asked her if she wanted to go out on my boat this Friday (I asked over the weekend before this mornings clarification of limits was set) and she more or less brushed it off. Probably because she had already decided she was going to say what she had to say this morning.

Now... we're going out for lunch, again, this Thursday, getting frozen yogurt and she wants another offer to go out on the boat next time the weather is nice. She said she would this week but her boss is out and she cant take the day. I commented "I figured this would be off the table now" and her response was "friends can go out on a boat... cant they??"

Well yes, but not when BOTH of them have strong feelings for one another... in an isolated environment... on a boat... all day... alone. Is it me or is she second guessing her decision and wanting to feel things out further without being honest to me or herself about it? What's the thinking here? She cant just turn it off. I know Thursday, whether we discuss anything or not, is going to be emotionally challenging for both of us. Why would she immediately recommend we do this?

I'm 32, she's 26. What do you all think? She's told me she's confused, torn, etc. But I assumed after this morning, final meant final. Maybe all hope is not lost?

Two other things... while trying to make plans for Thursday she asked me if "this was ok?" and "are you able to do this"? I know I can't turn it off and I have doubts she can too. Also, I told her this morning I thought I was falling in love with her and explain why and how I came to that conclusion. She said what I told her made her feel light headed. So she should really know this isn't something I can just walk away from and make believe never happened.

Thanks for the input.

C/C

[michelle23]

she has a bf, shes using you as an emotional tampon. Continue this and you will get badly hurt and she prob will too and so will her bf. What is the point dating a girl who is already taken? And that is what you are doing-texting, meeting up alone, lunch etc etc its called an emotional affair

you are just another fool in a LONG line of others. We see it here all the time. Your being an idiot. Tell her to f**k off outa your life and not to come back.

What are you hoping for? That shell dump him for you and the two of you will live happily ever after? Not gonna happen mate. IF she does dump him-you will just be a rebound and its likely shell have her fun and then run straight back to him. She loves him, she likes you. See the difference?

[coloradocarl]

she has a bf, shes using you as an emotional tampon. Continue this and you will get badly hurt and she prob will too and so will her bf. What is the point dating a girl who is already taken? And that is what you are doing-texting, meeting up alone, lunch etc etc its called an emotional affair

you are just another fool in a LONG line of others. We see it here all the time. Your being an idiot. Tell her to f**k off outa your life and not to come back.

What are you hoping for? That shell dump him for you and the two of you will live happily ever after? Not gonna happen mate. IF she does dump him-you will just be a rebound and its likely shell have her fun and then run straight back to him. She loves him, she likes you. See the difference?

I don't know... today she more or less threw everything she said Tuesday out the window. She's told she feels like an asshole for tellinng me to back off, and her backing off and "here I am again. I cant stay away". The emotional aspect of her relationship has never been there. Apparently she's been convinced by past boyfriends she's too needy of love and attention and she assumed it was her and she had to settle with what she got because she was the problem. She's told me that she's beginning to see in me that that's not the case. We've talked extensively about her relationship and me aside, it's not going to last anyway. This guy screamed at her and told her if she ever brought up marriage again she could pack her shit and leave. This guys a zero. She's going to figure that out sooner or later anyway. He's got a crazy temper problem, he's never home... a bad situation all around.

I guess I don't really know why I ask questions I don't want to know the answers to. You all think I'm insane, even I think I'm crazy. Do I want her to dump him and us live happily ever after? Yup. I sure do. The heart makes the brain believe some crazy sh*t I guess. I think I was looking for support but there clearly isn't going to be any. I guess I'm on my own to fail here, lol.

[TablesandChairs]

Try, for an hour or so, to talk 'business'. Make it easy for her. She's not a child anymore so decisions need to be made, even if they're not 'easy'. She cannot have both; a boyfriend at home, a 'semi' boyfriend at work (trust me, she knows you're not 'just' friends). She can leave her boyfriend and be with you or she can stay with her boyfriend and not be with you. Simple choice.

Offer to be available when she breaks the news to her boyfriend (IF she's afraid his temper might get out of control) but if he's not violent/abusive, then she has to do what she has to do and accept that he's not going to be happy about it. We're adults, we deal.

Not much else you can do, balls in her court. You'll soon find out whether she's full of it or sincere.

[michelle23]

ask yourself do you really wana be with a woman who is so insecure-that she will stay in an unhappy, abusive and destructive relationship for so long? shes gonna come with a whole load of baggage-be prepared

[coloradocarl]

I have talked business with her. In fact, we talked about it again today. She said he loves her bf, she wants it to work with him but the emotional aspect that's missing with him, she's found in me. We've both agreed there is a powerful connection between us but she's stuck in this triangle and she can't make up her mind. She's said to me she only tells me about the bad stuff with the bf but their relationship really is good except for a few things. I do believe she loves him and I personally think she's trying harder than she should because of that. If love wasn't involved, I believe she'd be gone.

I told her I completely understand the difficulty she's going through and that her heart would soon make the decision for her. She told me she wants to not talk to me this weekend and that if she texts me, that I don't reply. I guess the bf wont be around and she wants to try to clear her head but she doesn't think she can do it so I've been asked to not respond if she caves. I guess there are two schools of thought here 'out of sight, out of mind' and 'distance makes the heart grow fonder'. I guess we'll see which ones prevails. I hope it's the latter.

She texted me tonight that she spend the last two hours talking to her mom about this and she'd tell me about it tomorrow. I met her parents and her mom loved me. She's told me in the past her mother has asked her if she really thinks she'll end up with the bf forever so I think there's doubt about that relationship from her mom as well. The saga continues.

For those of you interested, I'll let you know how tomorrows news goes. For some reason I feel like its not going to go well. I guess there's really no answer until she gives me one. Sometimes I think to myself.. wtf am I doing. But, like she's told me... I cannot stop myself either. I feel like with her having an attitude like that, there's substantial hope.

[coloradocarl]

Oh and to answer your question Michelle, I think we're all a little insecure. No ones perfect but she's an amazing person. I don't think her relationship is destructive but it's def. been verbally abusive on more than one occasion. Love makes us stick around when we should, tolerate more than we should and have hope when there is none. Doesn't mean she's someone I shouldn't get involved with, it just means she's human like the rest of us I guess. Personally, I know I'd treat her 10x better. I know she knows that too.

[coloradocarl]

she has a bf, shes using you as an emotional tampon. Continue this and you will get badly hurt and she prob will too and so will her bf. What is the point dating a girl who is already taken? And that is what you are doing-texting, meeting up alone, lunch etc etc its called an emotional affair

you are just another fool in a LONG line of others. We see it here all the time. Your being an idiot. Tell her to f**k off outa your life and not to come back.

What are you hoping for? That shell dump him for you and the two of you will live happily ever after? Not gonna happen mate. IF she does dump him-you will just be a rebound and its likely shell have her fun and then run straight back to him. She loves him, she likes you. See the difference?

You were right Michelle. Today's a bad day for me.

[michelle23]

look you need to let her go. seriously dude weve seen this 100 ties. trust me shes a waste of time. for your own sake cut ALL contact with her, learn from your mistakes, put this behind you and dont let it happen again. emotional affairs never work out. they are messy and complicated for everyone involved. you should do your research so you no how to avoid them in future

[coloradocarl]

look you need to let her go. seriously dude weve seen this 100 ties. trust me shes a waste of time. for your own sake cut ALL contact with her, learn from your mistakes, put this behind you and dont let it happen again. emotional affairs never work out. they are messy and complicated for everyone involved. you should do your research so you no how to avoid them in future

I'm tryin' to let go. She wants to remain friends. I see one of two things coming from that. She gets her friend, I want more and suffer..... or, we both slide back in for round 3. I don't know how the 'friends' thing can POSSIBLY work.

[jbruced]

I agree with Michelle23, although I would focus on you, what is it about you that keeps you waiting for women that are not fully available. Look into your past and see how many times that you have given all of your power and the decisions to the woman and set around in an emotional puddle. Women do not respect men that sit around waiting for them. It is best to learn from this experience and get some counseling about the emotional turmoil that you are in. This is not about the other boy friend or the girl, it is about your neediness and inability to stand independent as a man. If you look to your past you may find that you have been chasing girls from the start, settling for the girls that are least interested in you. Meet the new women on a solid ground where you spend time, just curious about the women and not setting any agenda, or looking for any outcome. Then when women meet you they will know that you are sincerely interested in who the woman is without building emotion that is not founded on actual reciprocated love interest by the woman. The love that you feel is really infatuation and you can get over it in time. The women that have turmoil in their lives deserve love also, and I will tell you that if the first connection isn't clean on both parts, and there is another man or woman in the picture, it is nearly impossible to repair the damage done to the relationship. Her indecision will continue until she gets some professional help. One more thing, understand that if she has been with an abusive man, and she stayed, it is because she has low self-esteem and she has a desire to be abused. You will not be able to provide the "drama fix" that she will need. She needs men that support her need to to be abused, you are not the guy.
Blessings, jb

[klink]

She is using you to fill up the emotion that she is supposed to get from the relationship.
Don't be that guy who let women walk all over him.