I can't figure her out

[Jaygpm]

I've been dating this girl for like 6 months. Almost everything she does suggests she isn't very into me. She doesn't text unless I do first. She doesn't call. She doesn't initiate plans and often cancels the ones I make with her. I have expressed my concerns several times and she always insists she really likes me. She claims she just moves slowly and is uncomfortable in relationships. She already broke up with me once. But shortly after said it was 'one of the stupidest mistakes she ever made' and that she was 'miserable' when we weren't together. She has no shortage of interested guys. She is probably the best looking girl in my grad program and gets asked out all the time. So I don't think it is a situation where she waiting for something 'better.' My instincts tell me it's time to call a spade a spade but I just like her too much. Any advice or general thoughts would be appreciated.

[jbruced]

Hello, I understand this dilemma quite well, she has two distinct influences going on inside her at the same time. One side is afraid to demonstrate how she feels about you, and the other side doesn't want to lose you. The best thing is not to do too much thinking about what she is thinking and doing. Allow her some room to breathe. Do not chase her or constantly text and call. Keep your life moving forward with work or other projects and spend time with her when it feels right to you, and not to try to keep the relationship together. The more time you spend attempting to solve what her intentions are the more she will withdraw. The best approach is to relax and let her show up when she is ready. Also be clear about the kind of attention you want from a woman, some women are comfortable showing affection and others are not ready to be that close. If you want a woman that is going to be into you and want to show their affection, then it is a good chance that this is not the woman for you. Be real about what you want and know that the early behavior of the female is not going to change, you will be pushing for more affection the entire time with this woman and it will not change. Make a list about what you want in a woman, place the list on the left side of the paper, then compare how many of these qualities are available with this woman, make an informed decision and go after what you want. Best wishes, jb

[Jaygpm]

Hello, I understand this dilemma quite well, she has two distinct influences going on inside her at the same time. One side is afraid to demonstrate how she feels about you, and the other side doesn't want to lose you. The best thing is not to do too much thinking about what she is thinking and doing. Allow her some room to breathe. Do not chase her or constantly text and call. Keep your life moving forward with work or other projects and spend time with her when it feels right to you, and not to try to keep the relationship together. The more time you spend attempting to solve what her intentions are the more she will withdraw. The best approach is to relax and let her show up when she is ready. Also be clear about the kind of attention you want from a woman, some women are comfortable showing affection and others are not ready to be that close. If you want a woman that is going to be into you and want to show their affection, then it is a good chance that this is not the woman for you. Be real about what you want and know that the early behavior of the female is not going to change, you will be pushing for more affection the entire time with this woman and it will not change. Make a list about what you want in a woman, place the list on the left side of the paper, then compare how many of these qualities are available with this woman, make an informed decision and go after what you want. Best wishes, jb

I greatly appreciate your excellent advice. I definitely give her room to breath and I don't constantly text and call. The problem is I spend too much time thinking about what she is thinking and I'm growing impatient waiting for her to show up when she is 'ready'. I need to find a way to 'relax' as you say. I just don't know how. Thanks.

[Boisdevie]

I've been dating this girl for like 6 months. Almost everything she does suggests she isn't very into me. She doesn't text unless I do first. She doesn't call. She doesn't initiate plans and often cancels the ones I make with her. I have expressed my concerns several times and she always insists she really likes me. She claims she just moves slowly and is uncomfortable in relationships. She already broke up with me once. But shortly after said it was 'one of the stupidest mistakes she ever made' and that she was 'miserable' when we weren't together. She has no shortage of interested guys. She is probably the best looking girl in my grad program and gets asked out all the time. So I don't think it is a situation where she waiting for something 'better.' My instincts tell me it's time to call a spade a spade but I just like her too much. Any advice or general thoughts would be appreciated.

Doesn't sound like she's interested in you but likes having you around.

[surfhb2]

I don't get it?

Why not find another girl who calls you and takes a more proactive role?

[TablesandChairs]

Are you really into her or are you just attracted to her? What do you get out of the relationship? Is she thoughtful? Does she initiate communication? Does she want to spend time with you? You've sort of already suggested she doesn't...so I'm not sure what is in it for you, other than having a pretty girl to call your girlfriend, which is okay if you don't want anything serious or committed, but it's already starting to bother you so I'd say it's probably time to have a chat with her or move on.

[Jaygpm]

Doesn't sound like she's interested in you but likes having you around.

But why would you like having someone around you aren't interested in?

[Jaygpm]

I don't get it?

Why not find another girl who calls you and takes a more proactive role?

Valid question. But I like her for some reason.

[Jaygpm]

Are you really into her or are you just attracted to her? What do you get out of the relationship? Is she thoughtful? Does she initiate communication? Does she want to spend time with you? You've sort of already suggested she doesn't...so I'm not sure what is in it for you, other than having a pretty girl to call your girlfriend, which is okay if you don't want anything serious or committed, but it's already starting to bother you so I'd say it's probably time to have a chat with her or move on.

You bring up a really good point in asking if I'm really just attracted to her. I've been wondering it myself. But I wasn't trying to imply she never wants to spend time with me. She just runs hot and cold there. As for initiating conversation...she almost never does that.

[michelle23]

you cant change her so either accept that this relationship is not gonna tick most the boxes, settle for second best and just take whatever little she is willing to give while you slowly give her your self-respect, dignity and pride

OR

you could just dump her and find someone who actually lives up to your standards and expectations and stop bitching and whining about something that you know is not gonna get any better

[Wakeup]

Valid question. But I like her for some reason.

I think you'd do well to figure that reason out because she is laxidasical and indifferent to you at times which is screwing with your head.

You enable her behaviour because you don't call her on her shit. Any reason besides "you like her" that makes you stay and enable her to treat you with indifference? Just what does she bring to the table that makes you afraid to giveup? So far you've done well to describe how unlikeable her attititude towards you is and just how little she values you.

Just a guess: Is it the sex you get when she deems that she will grace you with her company?

Frankly, unless you come up with some good and decent attributes about her, I'm going to advise you text her next time she flakes on you and tell her "Taking you back was the worse mistake of MY life" and then block and delete her.

To Add:

But why would you like having someone around you aren't interested in?

Perhaps you're an amusing distraction when she's bored or has nothing else to do? Sorry, but thats the picture you've painted.

[Jaygpm]

I think you'd do well to figure that reason out because she is laxidasical and indifferent to you at times which is screwing with your head.

You enable her behaviour because you don't call her on her shit. Any reason besides "you like her" that makes you stay and enable her to treat you with indifference? Just what does she bring to the table that makes you afraid to giveup? So far you've done well to describe how unlikeable her attititude towards you is and just how little she values you.

Just a guess: Is it the sex you get when she deems that she will grace you with her company?

Frankly, unless you come up with some good and decent attributes about her, I'm going to advise you text her next time she flakes on you and tell her "Taking you back was the worse mistake of MY life" and then block and delete her.

To Add:
Perhaps you're an amusing distraction when she's bored or has nothing else to do? Sorry, but thats the picture you've painted.

Your guess is wrong. And I just chose not to explain why I liked her. But I really appreciate your advice. You made some excellent points. Thank you.

[Jaygpm]

you cant change her so either accept that this relationship is not gonna tick most the boxes, settle for second best and just take whatever little she is willing to give while you slowly give her your self-respect, dignity and pride

OR

you could just dump her and find someone who actually lives up to your standards and expectations and stop bitching and whining about something that you know is not gonna get any better

I think saying I'm 'bitching and whining' is a little harsh but point taken.

[klink]

You need to see other girl and forget about her.