Is It OK To Ask Who Are These Loads Of Exes You're Still Friends With?

[Jaque]

My boyfriend has many female friends who post on his Facebook. Sometimes they're married or otherwise involved, sometimes I don't know what the hell they are (or were). Ok, fine.

They're often VERY sympathetic to whatever status he posts, and there are usually hearts and winkies. Uh-huh, whatever.

And, he's always liking their pictures and stuff. Ok, sure.

The deal is, then we're talking in general and he's like, oh, yeah, I'm friends with "lots" of my exes. So I'm like, well how many of these exes are there, and which of them are among your Facebook groupies? I never get a clear answer.

So there's this one girl who I've actually seen rubbing up on him who's always posting little hearts and stuff. It's really starting to bug me.

Do I have the "right" to ask what the deal is or was with her? I'd like to not feel like an idiot if he's chatting with someone he used to sleep with. I can't help wondering if they private message or talk or something.

It just feels inappropriate that HE knows who these people are and he won't tell me when I'm pretty open with him as to who's who. Like he cares more about their privacy than my peace of mind.

Would I be some jealous psycho bitch if I just came clean and told him some of these women's posts and behavior make me uncomfortable and I'd like to know more about why they would feel it's ok to be this way (like are they some of his famous exes or what) and is he doing anything to encourage this attention?

Would I be like stalker girlfriend if I wanted to know exactly what kind of contact he has with these loads of exes, and who they are if that's the case?

I just don't like this feeling.I know we all need our little ego boosts, and I'm sure I enjoy if some cute guy flirts with me. But I don't post things where I'm LOOKING for attention like that, and I don't flirt or interact with guys I've been with before because why go there?

So I guess the other question is, just how much attention does this guy need? The groupie factor is really starting to make me uncomfortable...

[michelle23]

I wouldn't tolerate this. I would break up with him. If they are really his friends, he should have no problem introducing you to them and telling you about them if you ask. Follow your instincts. Your not happy about this and why should you be? Walk away and meet someone else

[Starnique]

Tell him to stop talking to these bitches because you don't like it. It bothers you and you're not going to put up with that. Its that simple.

[Jaque]

Guess I just want to figure out the best way to approach the subject. Like, on the phone, or wait until we see each other, or try to play it off and hope it stops, I don't know!!!

[michelle23]

My bf knows all my friends, I know all his. You have a right to ask and a right to know. If hes making you feel paranoid, insecure, jealous etc then I wouldn't stick around

[michelle23]

Guess I just want to figure out the best way to approach the subject. Like, on the phone, or wait until we see each other, or try to play it off and hope it stops, I don't know!!!

Is this a long distant relationship? Hoping it will stop on its own will get you nowhere

[Jaque]

My bf knows all my friends, I know all his. You have a right to ask and a right to know. If hes making you feel paranoid, insecure, jealous etc then I wouldn't stick around

Is he friends with "loads" of his exes? What kind of interaction does he have with them? What do you feel is appropriate?

[Jaque]

Is this a long distant relationship? Hoping it will stop on its own will get you nowhere

It's long distance during the week, but then we're together all weekend. We talk every night and message once or twice throughout the day. He's really pretty cool, which is why I'm still around. It's just this thing that feels a bit creepy.

I don't want to dwell on this, and it may not be a big deal, but I feel like I should be able to mention something if I'm uncomfortable. I just want to be sure I'm not feeling weird over nothing.

[Wakeup]

Would I be some jealous psycho bitch if I just came clean and told him some of these women's posts and behavior make me uncomfortable and I'd like to know more about why they would feel it's ok to be this way (like are they some of his famous exes or what) and is he doing anything to encourage this attention?

It does NOT matter if he thinks you're a psycho jealous bitch because if you don't tell him how you feel then you will undoubtedly become one due to your angst and how insecure his disrespectful behaviour (not answering your simple questions about them for instance) will lead you to become.

I haven't read all the posts so excuse me if this has been asked but, did you have an exclusivity talk with him? Does he consider himself in an exclusive relationship of monogamy or was this just assumed?

Anyway and at this point I think his behaviour to be a red flag (as do you or this thread wouldn't exist) so don't ignore that or sweep it under the rug because the more he thinks you're okay with his behaviour, the more leeway he will push for. Find out if he values you enough to at least explain why he needs to get his ego through the attention of other women.

To Add:

Guess I just want to figure out the best way to approach the subject. Like, on the phone, or wait until we see each other, or try to play it off and hope it stops, I don't know!!!

wait until you're face to face so you know when/if he's hedging or stalling to come up with something that he deems you'll accept. You'll want to be able to see facial expression, body language and other "tells" as well.

My rule, which I think is a good one: Never have important conversations or try to resolve issues through text or email, there's just too much room for misunderstanding etc and it's not conducive to learning how to effectively communicate and resolve conflict. Which of course is extremely important to be able to do in order to keep one's union happy and humming along nicely.

Good luck, let us know what he has to say for himself once you get the gurl ballzzz to stop losing yourself and own happiness in order to keep him happy so he stays with you.

[michelle23]

Is he friends with "loads" of his exes? What kind of interaction does he have with them? What do you feel is appropriate?

no hes not friends with any exes. He has one female friend who he grew up with. There not close though-just chat every now and again and Im always invited if they plan anything. A group of us would go cinema or out for drinks etc. Im not close to any male friends either-just chat when I see them etc and hes usually there too.

[Jaque]

Yeah, it's not like I think he's banging them during the week or anything.

I just want to know who they are so if we run into them I'm prepared and don't feel like an idiot, and know if he's meeting any of them for coffee or whatever (which why wouldn't I be able to come along if they're just friends?)...

Yes, I will follow up and let you know, thank you for these great replies. I've been trying to be so careful not to have a chip on my shoulder just because of past boyfriends or past behavior.

It's so hard to have clear boundaries because everyone has such a different perspective. I just know what makes me feel safe and comfortable, and what doesn't.

This doesn't.

[Jaque]

By the way, why DO people stay friends with their exes?

[michelle23]

I wouldnt date anyone who wants to keep an ex in their life or who has close female friends. Those are my boundaries and there is nothing at all wrong with them. Trust is important to me and I believe that men do not keep close female friends unless he secretly wants to bang her. Just my cents.

Hes away 5 days a week, hes surrounded by women and it makes you feel uncomfortable and he tries to brush it under the carpet when you bring it up? That is FOUR red flags love.

My advice is RUN

[VincenzoG91]

Is this guy named Nate? My friend Nate has over 1,000 facebook friends, because he is an extreme extrovert who can't stand being alone with his own thoughts for long. He is out doing something social at least six nights a week and usually has one or two roommates at any given time, often including at least one female roommate. Separate from that, he has had a lot of girlfriends. Judging by facebook activity in the last couple of years, his relationships now tend to last about six weeks each, and then he is single for a few weeks before starting up with the next girlfriend. The last breakup was about three weeks ago, and a week later, he posted a facebook announcement that he wasn't ready to start dating again. Probably because some of his female friends were ready to pounce.

[Wakeup]

Yeah, it's not like I think he's banging them during the week or anything.

I just want to know who they are so if we run into them I'm prepared and don't feel like an idiot, and know if he's meeting any of them for coffee or whatever (which why wouldn't I be able to come along if they're just friends?)...

Yes, I will follow up and let you know, thank you for these great replies. I've been trying to be so careful not to have a chip on my shoulder just because of past boyfriends or past behavior.

It's so hard to have clear boundaries because everyone has such a different perspective. I just know what makes me feel safe and comfortable, and what doesn't.

This doesn't.

Are you saying you've had the exclusive talk then or are you saying you just assume you are both being exclusive?

You have to have MUTUALLY accepted boundaries and if one of you has a boundary but the other doesn't subscribe to the particular boundary, that is when you get into trouble with whom you are currently dating. The key is not to accept someone into your life if they think having private female friends is okay and you don't. If he won't stop his vagueness and unwillingness to have you meet and also be a friend with these girls, then that would be a huge red flag.