How to put an end to "Little White Lies"

[sarahfort]

So , we've been dating for 2 1/2 years. It does't happen too often, but every now and then I will catch my boyfriend in a fairly harmless white lie. Except once I've learned about the "white lie" , its not harmless. It's usually something like... He'll tell me he has to be at work until 6pm, and he'll be over after that. And at some point during the day work will let him off early - and he'll go golfing for a few hours. Meanwhile, he's texted me again that work is busy and he'll be over at 6. I found out because he wanted me to read part of a text to his buddy that he met up with to golf, and I read a little more of the messages than he told me to. I immediately accused him of lying and he told me " If I told you I was off early and wanted to go golfing, you would have gotten mad". He doesn't understand that I'm angry about him hiding things and lying - and NOT that he went golfing.

I tried explaining that if he is honest about things then I will never be angry - But when he tells stupid white lies to avoid me possibly being upset- THAT makes me angry. And now I feel like he's compromised my trust again.

Why do people feel the need to tell white lies?? How can I get him to understand that it ISNT ok for me, and that i won't get mad over the truth ever, And even if i DID get upset about the truth it would pass much much quicker than being upset that he lied.

I've tried explaining this several times, and he just keeps doing it.

How can I make him realize that while he isnt cheating on me or lying about anything that could harm our relationship - that he is ruining the trust in this relationship and pushing me away. How do I make it clear??? I've tried explaining and giving examples in a non threatening way. I don't understand.

[HeartIsAching]

You can't. He distrusts you, because he has false expectations about you - likely preconceived notions due to his past...

You can't make him trust you, and in response, he's making you distrust him. That sucks.

The only thing I CAN see you doing that might have an effect (but probably won't) is to tell him that this is a boundary issue for you... that if he continues to erode your trust, you're going to have to cut him loose.

[Jaque]

This is something I've been working on for a while myself.

It's like they were in situations before where their every move was questioned and I guess it just seemed easier to lie than to have everything become a big deal.

The only thing that has been working has been to very calm, very accepting, very non-confrontational.

Also, to be open with him about things that HE could easily make a big deal about if he wanted to, and then letting him see that I was able to risk being open with him because I trust him. That sort of thing.

In addition, I've tried creating opportunities for conversations about this, like if something similar comes up in a movie or a friend is having a similar issue. Then we discuss what we think is the best way to handle something like that.

Or, you could try to find out WHY he does it so it can be addressed effectively. Maybe it's not for any reason that you think, but something else entirely? Also, how does HE feel if YOU lie or whatever?

[michelle23]

little lies lead to bigger lies. hes prob passive aggressive, afraid of confrontation. you cant have a healthy relationship with someone like tht. it would be a dealbreaker for me.

[loveagain]

Having been on the other side of that and taking time to see myself clearer, I have to agree with Michelle23. In my first post-separation relationship I told - or tried to tell - little white lies to avoid confrontation. I was never very good at it (and she was pretty good at reading me.)

[bcgirl]

Lying about being at work to your spouse while you are not is not a little white lie. It's a big fat lie.
He is obviously terrified about confrontation and would rather tell lies than face confrontation and communication. I was a cheater for years and have told these "little white lies" just the way your bf is doing. I'm not saying your bf is a cheater, but this personality type tends to view the grass is greener point of view once the home front gets a bit too stressful

[michelle23]

ya i agree-its not a white lie. its actually a huge red flag. a white lie is when you ask him does my bum look big-hes not gonna say ya if it does. or if he gets to work ten mins late and says sorry got stuck in traffic when really he slept in.

lying about where he is and what hes doing, pretending hes at work when hes not should send alarm bells ringing. his friend ger could really be geraldine and gofing code be code for sexing.

botom line: this guy is not trustworthy-hes a compulsive liar and the lies will prob get bigger and bigger as time goes on. if hes afraid of confrontation and cant deal with relationship issues in a healthy manner and prefers to lie, pretend everythings fine and brush things under the rug-its only a matter of time before your relationship completely falls apart.

example: he feels like hes not getting enough attention coz your so busy at work. he prefers to ignore the problem, doesnt speak up and tell you whats on his mind. he starts to withraw from you emotionally and eventually confides in that cute waitress at the golf club until it turns into a full blown affair. then the truth comes out and hell turn it all on you and make it seem like your fault as if you should have been able to read his mind.

seriously people who lie coz they fear confrontation are passive aggressives. they cant communicate and itl be all your fault. its not worth it. id prefer someone who nags me over that any day - who tackles problems head on and wont give up till Its sorted andeveryones happy again