Moving in together- help

[mayjune2022]

My boyfriend and I are moving in together next month. We've been together for 2 years, and are excited to take the next step. We VERY rarely argue, and generally have a great relationship. Except that, lately we've been disagreeing a lot about how we are going to decorate/furnish our new place. My boyfriend is very passive and like most men is NOT into decorating at all. His apartment now is a very typical boys apartment- a few posters, pretty messy, couches, etc. I, on the other hand, LOVE to decorate and after living with 3 slobs who break everything for the last year have been soo excited about finally having a nice space to decorate and make my home. But in the last few months that I've been buying or suggesting things, my boyfriend is pretty much opposed to everything. I bought a rug recently that I love, plain black and white-very unisex, thinking it would be perfect for us but of course he hates it. His thing now is that if I'm going to put something he doesnt like in our apartment, he gets to put something I don't like. I think it's a little unfair, because there's a ton of stuff he has that I don;t necessarily love, but am willing to put in our apartment and not make a big deal about it because it doesn't bother me THAT much. It seems like anything I buy that he doesnt love he wants to make a big fuss about.

Then there's the problem with combining all our furniture. I'm giving away/throwing away a lot of things because I simply don't need them anymore. I don't want our space to be cramped. He, on the other hand, wants to keep EVERYTHING, and is convinced we can find a spot for it. We have 4 TV's between the 2 of us, and with only 3 rooms in our new apartment I said we should donate one, but of course he wants to keep it. He has this huge entertainment center in his current apartment that he refuses to give up. It will take up like 1/4 of our new living room! And when I say entertainment center, I dont mean a modern and useful one. This one is completely useless- it's ugly, wooden and the cubby for the TV is wayyy too small to even fit any of our TV's. It literally serves no purpose at all, except to store all of his junk that he never uses on it. What's the point of keeping it?

Our disagreements have been pretty civil and light hearted about our stuff, but it's really starting to get on my nerves and worry me that this will be a hard process. I want to have the discussions now, and make some decisions, but he keeps insisting we wait until next month when we move in. I feel like I want the moving process to be as easy and fun as possible, so why can't we make some decisions now? Am I right to be a little annoyed by this? How should I go about having this dicussion to talk some sense into him?

[Jaque]

Wow, are you really sure you're ready to move in together? It seems like it's not so much a questions of "talking sense into him" but a matter of determining for yourself what you are willing to compromise on. (And I DO understand that what you are wanting doesn't seem like very much...)

Like, do you love him more than you hate the stuff or the mess? Or is your dream of having a nice place more important to you? Either way is valid and legitimate for you to feel, it's just a question of figuring out how you feel and how strongly you feel about it.

I don't know him or where he's coming from, but it doesn't sound like he's being very willing to compromise on what to keep or what to place. I wonder why that is. Have you talked to him about this? What else might he not be willing to compromise about? Is he agreeable in other ways?

Are you moving into "his" place or is he moving into yours? I couldn't quite tell from your post.

Is this the only area in which you're disagreeing?

How did the idea of moving in together come about, by the way?

[VincenzoG91]

I think that it's traditional for there to be a power struggle when a couple finally moves in together. A big element is the furniture/decorating issue. You can also look forward to disagreements involving chores and maybe finances. There might be a financial aspect to his objections regarding new decorations. The important thing is to keep the communication civil. It's too bad that you only have three rooms to work with, because one potential approach would be to let him have a mancave where he can keep all of his ugly stuff, like that huge entertainment center thing.

Try to focus on interests instead of positions, because you might find room for compromise that way, where a more simplistic approach (like each of you doing exactly 50% of the decorating) might fail. For a classic example, two guys in a library can't agree about opening the window. One wants to open it all the way for some fresh air, while the other wants to keep it closed to avoid a chilly draft. Compromising on half-open wouldn't work, because there would still be a draft. So a librarian comes over to deal with the noise. After listening to both sides, she settles the matter by opening a window in a nearby room. Fresh air, with no draft.

Also, keep the disagreements from turning into personal criticism of each other by framing these issues as problems that the two of you can solve together. If he starts to get defensive or accusatory, redirect to the focus on the problem (which will probably be limited space). See if the two of you can do some brainstorming, too, coming up with a bunch of ideas without judgment and then going over them one by one.

[mayjune2022]

Jaque- As annoying as the situation is, I guess it's not a deal breaker. I still want to move in with him no matter what because I do love him and want to take the next step. Having said that, it IS still very annoying. The funny thing is- other than this he's pretty much a very passive and agreeable person. He's not really picky about too much. That might be why this is so annoying to me, because I'm used to him always going with the flow. I can't figure out why he's picked this to be picky about. Actually, he was the one who brought about the idea of us moving in together, so I don't think it's him trying to 'scare me off' or whatever, although that has crossed my mind. I think he just has a hard time getting rid of things, he wants to keep EVERYTHING in case it will one day serve a purpose...I'm more of a, if we don't need it-toss it, kinda person.

Vincenzo, thanks for your in put. I agree, this is probably just the first of a long list of things we will disagree on now that we are living together. Hopefully we can come to some sort of compromise. I like your idea of brainstorming together and picking a few ideas from each of us.

[Jaque]

That sounds really positive, I'm glad. Sometimes, when a person is usually so agreeable, the ONE time they stand up for something can be (unpleasantly, lol) surprising.

I think if you are able to understand that his things are important to him you might be better able to come up with ways to make it possible for him to keep all his stuff without ruining your quality of life on a day-to-day basis.

Maybe you guys could hit IKEA or whatever and look for ways to organize his stuff to ensure that he doesn't lose anything (wink-wink).

[Wakeup]

This is the beginning of you both being at logger heads. How you guys handle this is very important because everyone wants their own way and everyone thinks that their way is the best way. Well, that stuff has to stop as of the minute you decided that you want to live together.

It's okay for you to want what you want and he doesn't care one way or the other but when he wants a say that is when you have to learn to compromise. For instance. You went out and bought a rug without even taking his input into consideration. Why didn't you ask him to come along with you and you could pick something together?

You're not always going to get your own way unless you've married someone who is quite happy to give you carte blanche in decorating (you haven't got that type of guy obviously). So: My suggestion is you both write down what is really important to you as far as what you're going to keep and then after you're in there then the two of you (after a bit) can go window shopping for furniture, you show him something way nicer then and more practicle then his current entertainment centre so that he actually wants to chuck the crap and get something nicer.

You don't have to have this place the perfect place (in your eyes) immediately upon arrival but if you play your cards right, you will end up having the perfect place in due time and he'll not feel like you're ordering him around or taking away his right to choose.

Good luck.

[lalalita]

At least he doesn't consider furniture shopping picking up couches on the side of the curb like one man I dated...