he doesn't seem to enjoy sex at all - men, some insight?

[lalalita]

I've been involved with a great gentleman. We've been having sex for 6+ months (albeit, not very frequently as our work schedules don't allow us as much time together as we'd like) It's been anti-climatic for me from the start, but, I kept the mind frame that it would improve over time and that it was just part of getting used to a new partner. I understand everyone doesn't click automatically when it comes to sex, and we've had multiple talks of what the other person enjoys. He's listened during these talks.

It doesn't seem like he enjoys sex...like...at all. And it's seriously turning me off and making sex very vanilla. He's a very sexual person, is very flirtatious with me, and acts like he's going to explode if he can't get his hands on me...until we start having sex. Then it's just boring.

I know all men aren't moaners, or the dirty talk type. He's very silent and doesn't seem "in the moment". He's constantly pausing and adjusting positions and that's been the biggest reason why I've been unable to get off. I try coaching him with moaning and saying "keep going" or "don't stop" but, it just doesn't seem to be working. When it starts feeling really, really, good for me I start getting louder, and he'll say "You better stop because that's really turning me on" and then he'll stop what he's doing. WHAT!?

Sex just keeps going and going until I become visibly tired or uninterested, to which he responds like he were stating the weather "Do you want me to cum?"

I then can never tell he came. No reaction on his part. Sometimes I think he's just pausing again until I see the condom filled up. After he orgasms, it's like we didn't even have sex. We'll lay there and cuddle but...something is so off and I finally called him out on it last night.

I straight up asked, "What's wrong? Is something bothering you? You act really weird after we have sex." This totally threw him. I don't think he was expecting it at all. He looked at me, dumbfounded, and said "Nothing's wrong. What? What do you mean?" I held firm, and told him he behaves as if we just finished doing our taxes instead of ****ing.

He didn't say much, but then later that night after he brought me home I got a text message saying "I just want to say that I love you and that look after sex is just me holding it all in"

Holding WHAT all in? He tells me he loves me. It's no secret. I am so confused. I plan on having a conversation with him about this, but I'm afraid of hurting his feeling. No man wants to hear their sex is lacking. I'm physically attracted to him, and he's not bad in bed....I just don't understand the lack of enthusiasm and the constant pausing.

This is turning me off towards him sexually.

[smackie9]

Communication is key to a successful relationship. If you hold back and not work this out with him, your relationship is doomed.

We can only guess what`s going on with him ie: lack of experience, was a virgin, was sexually abused as a child, had a strict religious upbringing, ashamed of sex, pauses trying to last, had issues with premature ejaculation, medical problem, etc.

Yes I agree you don`t want to hurt his feelings but this is a very important part of a relationship that can`t be ignored. So the only thing I can tell you is to keep talking about it. Throw in some words of encouragement and be supportive, and hopefully it can worked out. Good on you for even confronting him, because most women would just break up with them without a word.

[Boisdevie]

Ya, just encourage him. Tell him to get his act together or he's gonna get dumped.

[VincenzoG91]

He has somehow gotten the idea that the only important thing for him to do during sex is to last as long as possible. That's why he doesn't want you to make much noise, because he will get turned on and come sooner than he wanted. He is probably running numbers in his head to distract himself from coming too soon. He might also be lasting a long time because he masturbates too often.

Talk to him, and not in the bedroom or wherever else you usually have sex with him. Talk to him and tell him that you don't want him to last a long time, you want him to be passionate with you during the sex.

[lalalita]

He has somehow gotten the idea that the only important thing for him to do during sex is to last as long as possible. That's why he doesn't want you to make much noise, because he will get turned on and come sooner than he wanted. He is probably running numbers in his head to distract himself from coming too soon. He might also be lasting a long time because he masturbates too often.

Talk to him, and not in the bedroom or wherever else you usually have sex with him. Talk to him and tell him that you don't want him to last a long time, you want him to be passionate with you during the sex.

You're dead on about the masturbation! He masturbates frequently and is very open about it.

[VincenzoG91]

You're dead on about the masturbation! He masturbates frequently and is very open about it.

Then that probably also explains his quietness in bed. He was accustomed to keeping very quiet while having an orgasm so that nobody would know that he was masturbating, when he was younger. Anyway, the good news is that he seems to want you to enjoy the sex, but he doesn't know any other way than lasting a long time. Ask him to talk dirty to you during sex, or to at least make more noise. Tell him about your needs too, but don't do it right before you have sex, or even talk about it in that room. Have the conversation in a different location and give him some time to think it over. Also, maybe you could watch some couples-friendly porn with him, to change up his porn habit. Get him to stop associating sex with silence and instead think of openly sharing his pleasure with you.

[michelle23]

Why don't you ask him to touch you or give you oral until your "nearly there" and then you can have wild passionate 60 second sex

Or try a 69r. If you don't climax during sex-then he should be getting you off some other way either before or after.

Or climb on top-take control and tell him its okay if he cums-tell him to relax and stop worrying.

My bf worries sometimes too that he will cum too fast especially if Im on top but I dont care if he does coz he always makes me cum either before, during or after so its no big deal. I just whisper its okay and he relaxes

[FlaCooln]

Try different positions. Maybe go with you on top, so you have more control. Let him know that you want him to orgrasm and that he just needs to enjoy the sex and not worry so much. Explain to him constantly changing positions is never gonna get you off and when you get loud keep doing what he was doing.

Many people have a bit of sexual issues/hangups due to past partners. My GF gets a bit ebmarrassed and says sorry for organsming too loudly or long before I do. Her exBF (selfish/narcissistic bastard) made her feel bad about enjoying sex and orgasming too much/too early. I told her that I love it and her being like that makes me feel great and enjoy having sex even more. I communicate with her and she is getting used to being more open/talking about sex, hence our sex life is REALLY good. Also, what kind of asshole complains about his GF having multiple orgasms?...I think I'm lucky guy, but i do want to punch her ex in the face.

He probably is a bit insecure about PE and maybe a past GF made it an issue. I think if you both work on it your sexlife will improve for the better. Keep it open, fun, and talk to each other!

[lalalita]

Any suggestions on how to bring this up out of the blue? I agree it's not a good idea to bring it up right before we're about to have sex, but I'm not sure how to incorporate it into a conversation since a lot of our contact during the week is via phone. He works late and we usually only talk for a few hours a night before he goes to bed.

[VincenzoG91]

Wait, what? You sometimes talk to him on the phone for a few hours a night? That might be a good time to talk about this.

[lalalita]

I'm just unsure how to break it into the conversation. Our talks are light and upbeat and I don't want to randomly be like, "...SO, ABOUT THAT SEX THING..."

[MrHV]

Try different positions. Maybe go with you on top, so you have more control. Let him know that you want him to orgrasm and that he just needs to enjoy the sex and not worry so much. Explain to him constantly changing positions is never gonna get you off and when you get loud keep doing what he was doing.

Many people have a bit of sexual issues/hangups due to past partners. My GF gets a bit ebmarrassed and says sorry for organsming too loudly or long before I do. Her exBF (selfish/narcissistic bastard) made her feel bad about enjoying sex and orgasming too much/too early. I told her that I love it and her being like that makes me feel great and enjoy having sex even more. I communicate with her and she is getting used to being more open/talking about sex, hence our sex life is REALLY good. Also, what kind of asshole complains about his GF having multiple orgasms?...I think I'm lucky guy, but i do want to punch her ex in the face.

He probably is a bit insecure about PE and maybe a past GF made it an issue. I think if you both work on it your sexlife will improve for the better. Keep it open, fun, and talk to each other!

This is certainly a good way to go about it and is probably what's going on. As far as entering in the conversation, like you said your already on the phone, the transition is as simple "hey, listen , you know that I really enjoy being with you and ....and I want you to know that it's not about lasting real long, I want to you to enjoy...."

It'll only be a difficult transition if you think it'll be. Hope that's useful

[michelle23]

face to face is better. its important that it doesnt come across as criticism and dont make him feel embaressed.

why dont you just say you have a hard time reaching orgasm during sex and youd like to try different things or stick to one position at a time. and tell him most women find it difficult that way so you just want to try and find a few things that work for you.

i dont get why you would want a relationship with someone that you barely get to spend time with and it will tae a LONG time to get sex right if your only having it once a week and your both uncomfortable with each other. is it worth it?

[lalalita]

face to face is better. its important that it doesnt come across as criticism and dont make him feel embaressed.

why dont you just say you have a hard time reaching orgasm during sex and youd like to try different things or stick to one position at a time. and tell him most women find it difficult that way so you just want to try and find a few things that work for you.

i dont get why you would want a relationship with someone that you barely get to spend time with and it will tae a LONG time to get sex right if your only having it once a week and your both uncomfortable with each other. is it worth it?

It is rough, yes. We're not officially in a relationship because of that exact issue. I don't want to fully commit to something that I'm not 100% on.

[michelle23]

well then what is the point in seeing him when you could be out looking for someone you are 100% on? sounds to me like your settling for 5th best right now. do you not think you can do better?