Hi everyone. I was looking for some advice about my relationship with my boyfriend.
We're both 21 and in our second-to-last year of university. We've known each other for ~15 years and been together about 4 years (so since halfway through our final year of school). We get on very well - he's a wonderful, caring and loyal guy. The only real problems we've had have been my social anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. I don't really have any friends or much of a social life, and he's very social with huge numbers of friends and goes out all the time. I've been working on that for quite a long time - with limited success, but I'm seeing a therapist & doctor now and I'm getting better - and he's been incredibly supportive. I'm really lucky to have him.
The problem I'm having is that I just don't love him. I've always enjoyed his company but I've just never really had those feelings. The worst part is that I WANT to love him - he's everything I could ever want in a boyfriend, he's basically my ideal guy. But I just don't. And I have no idea what to do.
I'm especially conflicted because a lot of the time I feel like maybe it's my depression that is masking my feelings for him. I know there are a lot of things I used to enjoy before I became depressed 4-5 years ago (art, music, literature) that I don't any more, which my doctor says is probably because I'm depressed. I always wonder if my feelings for my boyfriend are the same way.
But at the same time, I know it's horribly unfair to keep dating him when I don't love him. He deserves a girlfriend who loves him the same way he loves me. But I'm terrified to break up with him... even though I don't think I love him, I care about him a lot and I miss him awfully when he's not around. And I don't have any friends or anything, as hard as I try - if we break up I'll be completely alone. I know it's a really selfish reason to keep up the relationship but there it is...
Advice please? I don't know if I should stay until I'm a bit better mentally and reassess, or be honest with him, break up and move on - and I don't even know how to do that. I'm absolutely terrified I'll make the wrong decision and screw my life up even more.