Past is still present to me. What do I do?

[Nice_Guy1]

To whom it may concern:

I will try and make this short and concise, but I don't want to leave out any details. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, we both just finished our sophomore year at our respective universities. We went to high-school together and have known each other for around 4 years. There has always been a connection between the two of us, however in high school I was a "player" and thus she never felt any of my advances were genuine. So we never were more than friends. We went to prom senior year of high school and continued talking through the freshman year of college and eventually began to "hook up" over winter break of our sophomore year of college. Things were great after winter break and she was officially my girlfriend throughout spring semester 2013.

However, one quote that always stuck with me was said by a former classmate during junior year of high school regarding my girlfriend (when I liked her a lot even though I wasn't very sincere in showing it) he basically told me she used to give him oral sex when they would hang out and hook up. Not wanting to seem sad I played it off cool and never acted like it hurt me. Another incident was our senior year of high-school when at a party I was trying to kiss her she sat me down and explained to me how she had sex with two different guys earlier in the year and did not want to be hurt again. Seeing as we were both intoxicated I was rude and upset her, causing for me having no shot romantically senior year. Later that year we eventually became friends and ended up going to prom as I said before.

(Two more short stories before I get to the point I"m sorry)

During 2nd semester 2013 while we were dating I said that I couldn't believe we dated 5 months and that I had never had a relationship this long - hence me being a player - and she replied that 5 months isn't that big of a deal. I was surprised because she NEVER openly dated anyone in high-school, so I had no clue who she would have been with. So one night I told her how upset I have been about not knowing her past and she told me everything, it was not as bad as I thought, but worse than what I wanted. Sex with 3 guys, none of which she technically dated, all in high-school, and none of them actually cared about her. And recently (last week) one of my good friends made a joke about my girlfriend being a virgin before me, the only problem was he believed it was true. So it was very uncomfortable having to pretend that I thought she was a virgin in order to avoid my friend's shock.(Multiple good friends of mine know the truth and also multiple good friends do not) Since he said that I have not been able to shake the thoughts of her and her 3 partners from my head.

So many questions.
Why did she do it?
Did she like it that much?
If the first one hurt you then why the second, why the third?
How did you feel after?
Why would you go back to their house if you felt bad about yourself?
Do you try to protect yourself from me because of them?
And countless others.


She loves me now and I love her so much, and that is what's killing me. She has matured and changed SO MUCH and I know it is easy to say just forget about the past, but I hate the fact that I am dating a girl who is still considered a "slut" by some guys today because no matter how much you change, history doesn't and the stories are there.
Also she is beginning to be fed up with me bringing it up all the time, but I feel it is unfair because she has had 4 years to get over this while I am just now coming to terms with these facts.
I am hurting BAD over all of this and just want to know HOW DO I STOP CARING ABOUT THE PAST?

Thank you

[Nice_Guy1]

Someone please give your advice

[michelle23]

First of all it sounds like you have unbelievable DOUBLE STANDARDS! You were a "player"? So how many girls have you been with? Why do you think you have the right to judge a girl who slept with 3 guys? What gives you the right to judge anyone when you have been just as bad? That is not a slut. Its not like she has been with the entire football team is it?

Anyway she was young. Many young girls confuse sex with love. They believe its one way to get a man but obviously learn the hard way that it doesn't work that way. It sounds like she cared about those guys but they didnt care about her and she was hurt and felt used.

If you cannot forgive her-then break up with her. It is not fair to hold the past against her especially when it doesn't sound like its much of a past compared to yours..

Why is it okay for a bloke to do it but not a girl? I hate guys who think that way. Me personally-I think sleeping around and having sex with strangers or people you dont give a crap about is wrong whether you are male or female. Same rules apply

[Valixy]

She/her past is not the problem, you are.

You, her and other millions of teenagers started having sex in high school because the sexual aspect of your personalities has been exposed to a strong influence from nowadays society through all the films that are made, the articles that are written, internet, etc. So, you can't judge her for sleeping with a guy before she met you unless you judge yourself too, all your indiscreet friends and any other high school teenager on this planet that has been sexually active.

I hear that high school students are given sexual education classes but I suppose that little is said to them about the fact that they are not psychologically prepared yet to have a proper relationship. That is why the problem is not the fact that she slept with three guys in high school (why would anyone even think they have the right to consider this a problem, I don't know!), the problem is that many guys of that age are jerks that don't know how to respect girls and can't keep their mouth shut. Pathetic immature young men, that's what they are! Another problem I see is that your good superficial friends wonder if she was or not a virgin, as if this was any of their business and even a bigger problem is that you let this influence you.

However, the biggest problem of all is that you are immature and have these prejudices. You say you were a player in high school and yet you can't 'accept' that she happened to meet other people too. It seems to me that you were looking for scoring in high school while she was maybe looking for a romantic relationship like most girls do but met the wrong guys and had a few sexual experiences. How much could she like it? Not that much, guys of that age are pretty selfish and inexperienced and while they think very well of themselves, their poor sexual performance will easily be forgotten and this is a fact.

So you see, you shouldn't 'suffer' because of her 'past'. You don't even have the right to analyse it, her life is her life, get it? She was simply influenced by the mentality of our society and met three guys in high school that were not so good as they seemed. She is with you now and she loves you. You can either prove that you are a mature confident guy who really loves her and not judges her or you can leave her and give her a chance to meet someone who can offer her all that, while you give yourself some time to grow up, overcome your insecurities and become a real man without stupid prejudices who knows when to listen to his friends and when to tell them to mind their own business.

Everyone has a past, you, her, your friends and any other girl/guy you'll know...Maybe understanding this and stop judging people before we don't have a good look at ourselves, would be a good start for you and anyone to 'suffer' less for someone's 'past', respect people for what they've learnt in life and who they have become and start enjoying the present.

[VincenzoG91]

Dude, just break up with her, so she has the chance to find love with someone who will accept her. Then you should pick a local church and become very active there, in hopes of meeting a perfect, unsullied virgin that will meet your standards.

[Nice_Guy1]

Thank you all for your honesty and bluntness, I understand the problem lies with me and not her. I do love her and am going to work on being less selfish in order to help our relationship.

[michelle23]

All you need to do is learn that women are equal. No better or no less than you and if you have a problem with women who sleep around-you should have a problem with men who do too.

[TablesandChairs]

She's slept with 3 guys, big deal. Did you think yours was the only penis in the world? Get a grip or this girl will move on very fast and never look back. Fancy badgering her about her past...I would have told you to get lost. Clearly she's a patient person to put up with this for a minute, let alone more.

The past is where it belongs - there, not here. Stop focusing on what your girlfriends vagina has or hasn't done and get some therapy.

[Nice_Guy1]

I talked with my girlfriend and I realized that she is more important to me than my selfishness. However I think getting over the details I know will still be a bit difficult, but I remember why we have been datin
g 5 months and the present is all that matters.

[michelle23]

all you need to get over is yourself and your double standars. look in the "hold old are you and how many have you slept with" forum. your girl is an angel compared to many. you have no right to judge her especially with your own unimpressive past. stop being so damn insecure-you dont own her. its her body. grow up