We're bad for each other but we're no good for anyone else

[ThePhantom]

My girlfriend and me I don't even know what you would call it we have a very antagonistic relationship that is at best toxic. I mean we argue constantly and we both get violent but it's like we cant stay away from each other. Our fights are terrible but not being with her feels even worse and it's the same with her. No matter how bad it gets we can't seem to stop thinking about or wanting each other. We both come from broken homes and are use to abusive and self destructive relationships maybe that's why we're good together. Our friends often say that we're bad for each other but we're no good for anyone else so maybe me and her are just so screwed up we can't be with anyone else.

[michelle23]

You both are not emotionally or mentally mature enough for a real grown up relationship. You both have had dysfunction throughout your lives and have brought all that baggage into this mess of a relationship. You both need therapy. Individual counselling and then relationship counselling. And its probably better if you do it alone.

Its learned behavior. Some people are amazing in relationships-make the best partners etc without ever needing to learn how to be that way, some need to learn how to be a good partner and what a healthy relationship looks like.

If you really want to be together-then both of you need to take 3 steps back before you can ever move forward. You need to agree that you both will seek individual help and you will do it without each other. In the meantime-say for at least 6 months you will be apart and have no contact.

If there is violence in your relationship-that is the only way any therapist will agree to help either of you anyway if you agree to stay away from each other until you both can learn to control your anger and to work through issues in a healthier way.

If you cannot do that (6 months apart to have years of happiness) than nobody can help you

Look up co-dependency. This relationship does not work. Its the only thing the two of you know however and that wont change unless you want to change and become a better person.

The best thing would be for you both to break up, go through your withdrawal symptoms from your addiction to each other and the mess you have created and get the help you need. Then move on and meet someone else-someone who you can have a functional relationship with. I doubt you have the strenght to do that though so baby steps. First aim for the 6 months apart and get help

[4 ratties]

Sounds kinky

[Am I crazy?]

I hear people say that all the time. Its just Bullshit excuse for bad behavior. Man up and take responsibility for your actions and quit being a dick

[ThePhantom]

I hear people say that all the time. Its just Bullshit excuse for bad behavior. Man up and take responsibility for your actions and quit being a dick

That's what I've been doing I have to man up any way I just found out I'm going to be a dad. Which scares me I mean neither of us make for good parents.

[Am I crazy?]

well.... adding a kid to the mix will certainly make a difference. Unless you want the kid to have the same type of childhood you had then you will make sure that you behave better. Im not trying to pick on you but you know what you need to do. Quit making excuses to justify bad behavior and just make the change. It does not matter who is the worst or if you both act the same way, as long as one of you starts acting better the other will eventually change too.

[namemyname]

It's called "toxic".

And you've already identified why you are like this. Family of origin issues all the way...

Either get professional help, or one of you will end up dead or in prison.

[paythebills]

You both sound dysfunctional

[michelle23]

Adding a baby to this mess is gonna be awful. Unless you want that child taken off you both-then go for relationship counselling now before your baby is born. You do need to man up now and make these positive changes for your family. Both of you need to grow up!

Im guessing you dont want to give your child the same life you had. Heres the biggest test you will face in your life and now you have the motivation to go for it so no more excuses. Time to be a man

[VerticalMoon]

People who come from broken homes often end up recreating that environment in their relationships. That's what a part of you is used to, so you keep going back to it. Unfortunately, if something doesn't change, your child will end up with the very same thing happening to them. It's possible to change, but it takes a lot of long term effort and hard work as well as counseling. Most people who say they just want to be different, end up continuing the behavior. I'll bet that's what happened to your parents. Be smarter than them. Seek out counseling so your child doesn't grow up in the same environment. And if the two of you really can't learn how to get along, it'll much better for your child if you and her are separated. Growing up with separated parents is better for a child than growing up in a house with a lot of fighting.

[TablesandChairs]

Arguing constantly is a sign that neither of you knows how to compromise; it's your way or the highway. You both have bad tempers and are reactive; you've probably seen your parents do the same. Instead of talking calmly and rationally, you blow up, sweat, hit each other, break things...and before you can say 'ouch', you're faced with the same situation you loathed being a part of as a child.

You both need therapy and a lot of it; but you both need to be willing. If you're going to be bringing a child into this mess, you owe it to him/her to be the best people you can be. You can unlearn learned behavior but it doesn't happen magically.

[Rowen]

That's what I've been doing I have to man up any way I just found out I'm going to be a dad. Which scares me I mean neither of us make for good parents.

First of all, I REALLY want to give Michelle reputation points for her very thorough post above, but this site won't let me because I have to spread them around to 10 others first. x.x

Second, adding a baby to this is going to be one of the worst ideas in a long, sad history of bad ideas you can have... I would strongly suggest putting the baby up for adoption if you're opposed to abortion...as much as I hate to say something like that.

You see, I'm going to tell you this right now; both of you are not any good together. Think of it like two beta fish...Just because they kill all their other partners, what makes you think sticking together is going to make them work it out together? Nothing. You're a beta fish, and so is she. I suggest, you stay away from one another. Cut all ties. While I know it hurts to go through, believe me when I say that it's better to go your separate ways as if neither of you ever met than to stay and attempt to work things out. I know exactly what this situation is like because friends of my ex went through it.

Their names were Charlie and Kelly. She had already been married and divorced and had a child. He was introduced to her by my ex. While they would be great for a month or two and practically inseparable, they'd soon get into tons of fights together. It was to the point where they'd as much as I make my bed. One week, they'd be lovey dovey. The next? Like jackals looking to pounce on one another and go for the kill. In the end, you know what happened? All they ever did was hurt the ones around them who attempted to help them. I was in a car accident because of them. Another friend had his jaw broken, again because of them. And the baby was taken away by her ex-husband. Now, I'm telling you this story so you'll hopefully get it. Staying together and attempting to raise a child is never going to work. If you follow the footsteps of Charlie and Kelly at all, follow them in what happened AFTER they hurt everyone around them...and part. Ever since about 6-8 months ago, they haven't had any contact. And their lives have been better because of it. He's as sound as a pound dating another girl. She's pregnant with another man.

Staying together will only hurt yourselves and the others around you. And there's absolutely no way to stop it. Cut all contact.

[basilandthyme]

Terminate the pregnancy. I'm not even going to suggest adoption because of the risk of her changing her mind and keeping the baby in this mess.

[michelle23]

thanks rowan