I'm falling for a neighbor.

[Simple Simon]

I have fallen in love with a neighbor and I'm married. I'm 63 - she's 48. Please help - I don't know what to do.

Let me explain . . . we live in a very rural area of S.W. Indiana and live a typically boring farm life. Because we live in "the boonies" we tend to cling to neighbors and friends for support, fellowship, and entertainment. Three years ago the widow woman down the road died and her daughter (I'll call her Jane Doe) moved into the house. My wife and I, as well as other folks around here gave her a warm welcome and we include her in all of our social get-togethers. She's a single mom with two grown children who have families of their own. She lost her husband in Desert Storm in Iraq in 1991.

During the first year it was always "Hi Jane how're doin?" - "Hi Jane thanks for the strawberries." - "Here's a dozen eggs Jane, see ya later." You know, the typical neighbor small talk. My wife has her over to our house once or twice a month to chit chat, sew or knit together, and help each other clean and prep veggies from our gardens. I only saw Jane maybe once or twice a month.

About 18 months ago our relationship (hers and mine) took a strange turn. We have discussed this turn many times in the past 12 months and both of us agree that there is a very strange powerful force at work here. While Jane does not feel quite as strongly as I do we both agree that we have fallen in love. This is soooo weird! She is on my mind all day long and all night continuously. No mater how hard I try I can't turn it off. Any time I close my eyes her beautiful face fills my mind. She is so sweet, so gentile and kind. She and I share many interests and love to discuss them.

Even though I have never touched her intimately I do think about it (of course, I'm a guy, duh.). One of my veggie gardens is way out in the "south forty" and nearer to her house than to mine. She slips out to see me whenever she can. We sit there in the dirt and weeds and talk about everything under the sun. A few weeks ago we kissed. A short kiss but it just about knocked me for a loop. I know, to you guys it doesn't seem like much but to me it was heavenly. She makes me feel like a teenager again and I thought those feelings were long gone for me. I don't know what to do.

I'm a good guy. I have never cheated on my wife in 40 years of our marriage. I have provided for my family diligently all my life without complaint. And now this!

I have tried and tried to stop the thoughts and feelings. I tell myself that I'm a lousy, good-for-nothing fool for allowing this to happen but no mater what I do the feelings continue to grow. You can call it love, infatuation, dreaming, or anything else but to me it's real and I don't think I'm strong enough to control it. It has totally consumed my life. I'm sure some of you twenty somethings may say to go with it. Some may say enjoy it while I can or "hey old man jump her bones if you can". But I KNOW I have to do something to stop this madness and I don't know what.

Thanks for listening. Your suggestions are welcome.

[namemyname]

I don't support you having an affair.

It comes down to this: are you willing to ruin your life, break up your marriage, lose the respect of your children and family, for this affair?

Because if you think you are this woman are meant to be, then divorce your wife, then go be with Jane.

If you want her on the side, then stop seeing her entirely, as an affair will only lead to ruin and shame.

[UnderTheMoon]

I agree with name.

The thing is, we want the most what we can not have, we lust, and crave something different. WE covet what we see everyday. The reality is, even if you are with her, if you have your fill and leave your wife, quickly you will find yourself bored and missing your wife and what is familiar, we are often attracted to the unknown and in the end, majority of the time in a situation such as this, we end up miserable. You are not alone in this, and so many people have ruined their lives over such a frivolous affair. You need to take a long look at your wife the next time you two are alone. Look at her good and hard. That woman right there, has easily put up with you in some of your worse moments, she gave you the gift and the promise of her love and her body for the rest of her life, she isn't young anymore, she can't just start over, this is no longer the spring of her life and she has settled her heart on you, and you should consider yourself lucky to have someone who gave that to you, 40 years of precious time they will never get back. Take it all in friend because those worn hands, those wrinkles, every worry line, every laugh line on her face, was shared with you. Every grey hair on her head is a symbol of patience gone wary with you and your children, every beat of her heart is strong with the commitment of 40 years. If you can't look at your wife, and know that you two made a commitment all that time ago, then you have no heart. You have no way of being able to tell yourself that you love her, because love, doesn't just leave after so long. I am sure you could have some fun but that other woman, nothing on her body marks her dedication to you, not a single thing and she should be ashamed for not putting a stop to this. She might as well be looking at your wife and telling her "Oh well, it doesn't matter that you have been with him all these years and gave him his children, I am younger and more beautiful than you will ever be." If she was a stranger talking to your wife like that would it make you mad? Would it make you want to protect your wife because deep down, she is attacking your life and you are foolish enough to go right with it. It is a humiliating slap in the face and why would you want to do that with your life partner? If you feel like you've lost a connection with your wife, then you need to work on it, you need to take the time and find new things to do with your wife, find that spark because no one is married for that long based on nothing. Forget the other woman and love your wife, enjoy your life, and find that appreciation for her again, she deserves that and your respect as a woman.

If you do go through with this, then shame on you. Shame on you for throwing away someone who loved you in your worse moments, and darker times. That woman who is your wife, is a wonderful lady and with this nonsense, should have never married someone so undeserving of her affections.

[surfhb2]

Youre being tested My Friend.....dont go there Good Luck!!

[TablesandChairs]

Like you say, life there can get pretty boring. She's 'new', she's younger and makes you feel a certain way. Possibly how your wife made you feel way back when you first met her.

Do you want to ruin your marriage and reputation over a roll in the hay? Or are you prepared to lose everything and be with her exclusively? You can't have your cake and eat it too - unless you're okay with hurting your wife over something that could be very transient. You're 63 so you should be able to control your hormones enough to simply accept it for what it is (a crush) and do you best to get on with your life.

[michelle23]

40 years of marriage should not be thrown away for a crush. Sorry man but this IS a crush. Its infatuation. An escape from reality, a little delusion and fantasy to help with your boredom and the staleness of your marriage.

It wouldn't matter who this woman is. It happened coz you got too close to her. Getting too close to ANYONE of the opposite sex leads to emotional affairs. You have to force yourself to stay away from her and stop thinking about her. I know its not easy but you have to try.

Instead of focusing all this attention on your crush-put that energy into your marriage. Bring your wife on a romantic cruise, try to reconnect with her on an emotional and romantic level. Ask for marriage counselling, read a book together on how to recreate the spark in your 60's or something similar.

Never leave the one you love for the one you like. You have shared 40 years with this wonderful woman who has been there through thick and thin who deserves to be put first and deserves your full attention to fix your marriage.

This is a warning sign that something is wrong in your marriage that needs to be fixed and its a huge test. Dont fail it

[Empty Road]

Grandpa! NO!

[Simple Simon]

Hey folks please don't throw any more darts. I totally agree with every one of the replies so far. I understand exactly where each of you are coming from. That's why I started this thread. I don't know how to stop these feelings. I certainly do not want to leave my wife and end a long relationship. I DO feel like a jerk and I think I need help. These feeling snuck up on me and now I'm totally consumed by them.

I'm reaching out to you guys for help to find a way to control my feelings. Leaving home for a while is out of the question, although planting season is slowing down now the farm work is never done and garden harvest time has already started. Staying away from her is an option but difficult since we are all good friends around here. But I'm trying to do something about it. I've never in my whole life felt so out of control.

[michelle23]

Hey folks please don't throw any more darts. I totally agree with every one of the replies so far. I understand exactly where each of you are coming from. That's why I started this thread. I don't know how to stop these feelings. I certainly do not want to leave my wife and end a long relationship. I DO feel like a jerk and I think I need help. These feeling snuck up on me and now I'm totally consumed by them.

I'm reaching out to you guys for help to find a way to control my feelings. Leaving home for a while is out of the question, although planting season is slowing down now the farm work is never done and garden harvest time has already started. Staying away from her is an option but difficult since we are all good friends around here. But I'm trying to do something about it. I've never in my whole life felt so out of control.

Stop spending one on one alone time with her for a start. If you never did that-none of this would have happened. Look its just a fantasy. You have only seen the good things about her, the things you two have in common, your little romantic chats.. if you actually got into a real relationship with her-it would be completely different to this fantasy you have created in your head. That is what infatuation does to the brain. It tricks you and fools you into believing this could actually work. 99% of the time it doesnt work long term at all.

I get you are a farmer, lots of responsibility and work to be done. However, the farmers i know have money and could afford to pay someone to look after their farm for a couple of weeks. When was the last time you took your wife on a holiday? All work and no play? If you want to save your marriage, stop making excuses. Take her away, spoil her. I bet you haven't done that for years

[Anna1408]

Simple Simon.
Man, I know how you feel coz I'm in an impossible relationship myself right now. Everyone says "forget it" "don't go there",etc and they are of course absolutely right. But I understand that it is very easy to say but so very very hard to do.

I send you hugs and hope you can have the strength to do the right thing and stay faithful to your dear wife.

[Valixy]

This could destroy everything you are and everything you have built in your life: your marriage, your home, your economy, your reputation in the community and your relationship with your friends of your whole life. I don't know if your romance could work for you and this woman and for how long, but I do know that you would not be able to face your life being destroyed and the loneliness and the exclusion you would condemn yourself if you continued.

You're conflicted now but you need to make an effort and stop this. Do it peacefully and without any regrets. You really aren't losing anything, you're just protecting your real happiness. If you continue, you will be discovered, you will be shamed and you will by crushed because of this stupid mistake. The moment when you could be discovered would be a moment of tremendous confrontation for you but that would not be the most painful thing you'd have to face. That would be just the beginning of your sufferance actually. The aftermath is the horrific part, when you see all your life being destroyed and you find yourself surrounded by nothing else but a terrifying vacuum. And there would be no turning back but lots of regrets and your only option would be to keep on living in your new empty reality. You would long for things to be like they used to but that would be all you could do about it, long. Now THAT is pain, not what you're facing now when you feel that you have to renounce to a little passion that threatens all your personal harmony and all your life has meant to you. You would dismiss your charming neighbour in a blink of an eye then if you had a second chance, but there wouldn't be one. You have that chance now though. Stop seeing her completely, never meet her on your own or things would escalate, because they always do, and you'd be faced with your personal war and destruction.

[michelle23]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Right now you are nearly blinded by infatuation. Don't let this get out of control. Take a major step back and look at the things that are really important. Your wife who you have shared 40 years with who you promised you would grow old with and cherish forever. 40 years is such a long time. What you two have must be really special and it is so admirable that in those years you have never hurt her or taken her for granted. Don't start now.

What you are experiencing is very common. It happens to a lot of people all the time. A large % of those people are full of regrets. Don't be one of them. Its easy to get sucked in to the idea that this woman could be your soul mate or the love of your life. That is what infatuation does to your brain. It brings you up to such a high that you forget to think of the consequences but when you get that high-the only place to go my friend is down.

If you left your wife for this woman-you would have a honeymoon period (possibly 2-3 months of joy) than you crash back down to earth, to reality and you realize what you have lost and sacrificed for a fling. That is all it will be and you will be left with nothing. Once those rose-tinted glasses come off and your eyes are wide open-the cracks will begin to show.

Bear in mind that most new relationships do not get past the first year. Once that infatuation wears off-it normally ends coz it is so hard to find someone you are truly compatible with. You have found the love of your life already. Please do not be a fool

[UnderTheMoon]

Hey folks please don't throw any more darts. I totally agree with every one of the replies so far. I understand exactly where each of you are coming from. That's why I started this thread. I don't know how to stop these feelings. I certainly do not want to leave my wife and end a long relationship. I DO feel like a jerk and I think I need help. These feeling snuck up on me and now I'm totally consumed by them.

I'm reaching out to you guys for help to find a way to control my feelings. Leaving home for a while is out of the question, although planting season is slowing down now the farm work is never done and garden harvest time has already started. Staying away from her is an option but difficult since we are all good friends around here. But I'm trying to do something about it. I've never in my whole life felt so out of control.

No is trying to throw darts at you, that is you getting defensive because a part of you is struggling. Like I said, take good long look at your wife, and every sign of age on her that comes from stress, from worry, from happiness, is one she spent with you. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and every moment of your life that you went through a serious change, who was there with you? Who encouraged you when you felt like you couldn't do something? When I say this, I am stating the reality, trying to help you look past your infatuation which has no substance at what does. You need to see a counselor privately first, relay what you are feeling and tell them that you are worried and want to stop these thoughts. I am sure she will have great advice, I volunteered my services at a job and family center down town and worked with troubled couples. I only dealt with one marriage that was close to being as long as yours, and just like all the rest of us have said, it is because of the strangeness that you are interested.

You should ask your wife if she ever feels like she is bored. Tell her, you don't want her to feel that way and take her out. It will be good for both of you. All I can say is I hope I find someone one day I can be close to like that, who will be there thick and thin because marriage and relationships are never easy. You made it 40 years, that should pride you enough to make this infatuation stop.

I am almost certain that this other woman is just lonely and using you as a crutch for what she doesn't have, and in a way I feel bad for her. She is sponging off of you because she lost someone so long ago and never really found it again. Using you as such is wrong and you need to look at it for what it really is. You are just someone she is trying to fill a void with and not considering anyones feelings but her own. Don't be a tool.

[namemyname]

Tell you wife you think Jane has a thing for you. That will ENSURE Jane will never be invited over again, and will no longer have a friendship with your wife.

Stop being so selfish and weak. Man up.

[Simple Simon]

You guys are good for me. Thanks.

I'm trying very hard and I know I will be successful in combating this infatuation. I have already been successful in not allowing myself to be alone with Jane - not even for a minute. I guess my biggest challenge right now is that my mind is totally consumed with thoughts of Jane. Many times those thoughts are how I'm going to overcome these feelings but it is still thinking of HER.

I have to admit that this is the strangest thing I have ever experienced. I have been through a lot (a whole lot) in my lifetime but never anything like this. This thing hit me like a freight train - but I'll work my way out somehow. My wife and my family life are far too important to risk on any kind of infatuation like this.