I'm falling for a neighbor.

[Millie]

Millie, I know I have not been very clear on some of the silly things I have posted but please try to understand that I'm not myself these days. My mind has been a total mess for weeks now. I'm sure there are times when not even I know what I'm saying.

I have done very good for the past two days with pushing my thoughts toward other things. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. With all the work around here it's easy to push thoughts of her aside for a while but those thoughts keep coming back. This is going to take a while and it's a very hard thing to do.

I'm sure this thing will be history in a short while. I just wanted to reach out to others to see if there were any tricks or ideas on how to control my thoughts and dreams (and how to get some sleep). I know I've said this before but this has been so weird. So weird. I'm an old fart and things like this are not supposed to happen :-)

Ahhh Simon, I don't think anything you've written is silly, and these things do happen, even to old farts, and you're living proof of that! When we get married we don't live the rest of our lives with blinders on and sometimes we meet new people who we maybe connect with more closely than we should - "forbidden" attractions happen, feeling it is one thing but really it's what you do about it that counts. It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things, hard as that may be, so I think you just have to keep doing what you're doing and hope that it gets easier over time.

Incidentally, having read your most recent post I can see more clearly why you would be tempted by the opportunity of affection from another when it's so clearly lacking in your marriage - have you spoken with your wife at all about her not being affectionate? Since you say that she has become like her mother nowadays I assume she wasn't always that way? Your marriage has survived 40 years so you guys must be doing something right, but surely it's never too late to improve things or address things that make you unhappy.

[Villo]

We have discussed this turn many times in the past 12 months and both of us agree that there is a very strange powerful force at work here. While Jane does not feel quite as strongly as I do we both agree that we have fallen in love. This is soooo weird! She is on my mind all day long and all night continuously. No mater how hard I try I can't turn it off. Any time I close my eyes her beautiful face fills my mind. She is so sweet, so gentile and kind. She and I share many interests and love to discuss them.

I confess to not having read any responses under this thread yet. Just had to say: yes, there is "a very strange powerful force at work here" indeed, actually two of them: one is called "betrayal" and the other is called "delayed mid-life crisis".

I mean, you can wax poetic all you want about locking lips amidst the vegetable plants while not being able to turn off your rambling, delusional thoughts about some impossibly perfect, sickly sweet tryst that will forever make your redundant farm life more bearable, but you're in the boonies and you're bored. Being with a long-term partner of 40 years takes work, and neither of you were ever supposed to always look or act cute. It's not always heaven with a side of hay and blueberries. What you describe is an addiction to a mental high, not love. You're addicted to how you think she can forever make you feel. But come on. You must know better. She has a mean side, like anyone. The honeymoon will end and you're too ancient not to know that. You feel like a kid around her, for this moment, but then you won't anymore. And let me offer you a warning:

She already admitted she doesn't feel as strongly as you do, and OF COURSE she doesn't, silly. She's the "other woman". She likes you because you are ultimately unavailable. She's also the kind of woman who can knit and bake and make laughter with your wife and then stab her in the back. What a winning gal. When you finally trip yourself up so that your wife catches on to what you're doing, you stand a strong chance of living out your twilight years completely alone, with maybe not even one person to sit with you at your death bed as you grow even older than you already are.

So sad how people destroy themselves over their own egos. Hopefully you'll re-focus you energy on your marriage. Maybe you should talk with your wife and let her know you're distracted from the marriage and want to work on rekindling what you have with her. Maybe you need to work on some aspect of your life that is frustrating for you: maybe a new hobby or interest or purpose to fill your time when you aren't with your wife. Or maybe some cause you can BOTH take up.

[Simple Simon]

Oh this is sooooo difficult. My insides hurt terribly and I need sleep. I'll make it through this tough spot (again) but it sure is hard. Isn't life strange?

[michelle23]

stay strong simon. speak to a counsellor if you need to. you really need to take off the rose tinted glasses and start noticing her flaws. find one or two bad things about her and focus on that. its just a silly crush. did you look up emotional affairs and the funny affect they have on the brain and the regrets people have?

do your research. also research the 9stages of love. your in stage 9 now with your wife (true love) and stage 1 with your neigjbour (infatuation). the only thing you can do wrong in stage 9 is take her for granted. dont do that

have you spoken to your wife about creating more romance in your marriage? put all this energy into saving what you already have. forget what could be with someone else

[Millie]

do your research. also research the 9stages of love. your in stage 9 now with your wife (true love) and stage 1 with your neigjbour (infatuation). the only thing you can do wrong in stage 9 is take her for granted. dont do that

Sorry I think that 9 stages of love thing is total BS (I'd put more stock in the 5 stages of grief hypothesis, and I think that's mostly a steaming pile of poop also). However, working by that 9 stages of love model, taking your partner for granted in stage 9 is not the only thing you can do wrong - since stage 9 involves so-called 'total trust' I'd suggest betraying that trust would be the most obvious thing you could do wrong.

[michelle23]

yes i agree which is what i meant when i said taking her for granted which includes betraying trust. sorry should have made that more clear. i actually think the 9stage model makes a lot of sense. it des to me anyway. i feel like iv been though most those stages with my SO. last time i checked i was in stage 8. apparantly you can go back and forth or even start all over again in stage 1 with the same person which is what OP needs to try and do with his wife

[Millie]

yes i agree which is what i meant when i said taking her for granted which includes betraying trust. sorry should have made that more clear. i actually think the 9stage model makes a lot of sense. it des to me anyway. i feel like iv been though most those stages with my SO. last time i checked i was in stage 8. apparantly you can go back and forth or even start all over again in stage 1 with the same person which is what OP needs to try and do with his wife

Interesting, it is strange how one person can get something quite beneficial out of these kinds of models and the next nothing at all. I read through the stages and it just didn't resonate with me at all, just different strokes for different folks I guess. The whole moving between stages not necessarily in a linear fashion thing supposedly applies to the grief hypothesis too and I that's part of what annoys me about it - it's like they're attempting to cover all bases for all people, when in reality love, and grief, are intensely personal journeys where no two experiences are ever going to be exactly the same... I don't know, the whole 'one size fits all' models just don't sit well with me.

Anyway I digress - Simon, don't take your wife for granted and don't betray her trust lol. In all seriously, sorry to hear that things are so tough, hopefully sunlight will poke through the cloud cover sooner rather than later

[michelle23]

its not something to take too seriously. i think its just a guide to show people not to give up o easily. i mean some people are onlygood in a relationship until they hit a rough patch. first crisis and they have an affair or leave.. this guide shows people that if you are a team you can fix it together without resorting to that.

also with the five stages of grief-i think its just a guide to show people that this pain/anger/depression is temporary. stay strong coz it doesnt stay this bad forever.

both models helped me a lot when going through a really hard time

[Simple Simon]

Well it's a little more than a week later and I'm doing OK on the "stay away" part but I've never had these inner feelings before in my entire life. I have purposely stayed out in the fields spraying and away from social situations more as well as we have had some difficulties with livestock and I've pulled a few all-nighters in the last 10 days. I even volunteered to work on my neighbor's spraying chores while he wasn't feeling well. These things serve to occupy my thoughts only about 50% and the rest of the time I long to see Jane Doe, to talk to her, to touch her. I was hoping that my love, infatuation, lust or what ever this is would be starting to go away by now. But my heart aches all day long every day. Not only my heart but my insides, too. I feel like someone keeps kicking me in the stomach every morning and it lasts all day. This is so crazy!!! How can something so nice, so warm, and so desirable hurt so bad?

I know I'll conquer this thing but it may very well be the most difficult task of my lifetime. Whew!

[michelle23]

why are you not focusing on the deeper issues in your marriage and trying to fix them? yhe ressons why this happened in the first place? simon until you learn to communicate with your wife again and get whatever you feel you are missing from her-this problem will not go away

affairs are escapes from reality. they are catastrophic and no good coes from them. the reason you developed these feelings is because you are trying to escape the problems that you are unwilling to face in your marriage. its really simple

fix your marriage

[Simple Simon]

It seems that you have never been in this kind of situation, michelle23. I'm trying to fix things. But I also have feelings that are difficult to suppress. It's just very hard to do.

[michelle23]

I havnt been in this situation, no but i believe its because i have researched the topic in detail and know how to avoid falling into this trap

what have you done so far to fix your marital problems? Have you told your wife your marriage is in danger and you miss feeling close to her, having affection and intimacy? Have you asked her to seek marriage counselling with you? Or at least buy a book that you can read together on saving your marriage.

Tell her you are bored, lonely, feeling unloved, undesired, unwanted. Be honest

yes it may hurt her feelings but at least it wont completely destroy her like an affair would. These things need to be said.

[michelle23]

Also the "feelings" you have are not real. Have you researched the topic? Its just a fantasy. Infatuation has a crazy affect on the brain. Its a chemical high that releases feel good endorphins in the brain. It makes you ignore the flaws of this person, to ignore the consequences, act impulsively and make rash careless decisions you could later regret. It deludes you into believing this person you barely know could be your soul mate

The rreality is you have no idea what the two of you would actually be like together in a real relationship. There is a 1% chance of it working out. Affairs never end well and they are not worth it.

You do have choices. If you are really unhappy and fed up in your marriage and you believe its impossible to fix it-you can leave your wife if you want to. However if you do that, you need to be 100% sure as there jis no going back if you do.

if you do leave-you still should give your wife time to grieve before you go near your neighbour. It would be awful for her to hear you have a new 20year younger floozy a few weeks or months after ending a 40year marriage