I want to Kill my exes. Literally.

[LifeInflux]

But, we're carrying mega assault weapons, as I feel like we've just had a zombie encounter, or something kinda Mad Max-ish... lol

I see you've done this before then Impressive.

[clairedunham]

Hey. I know exactly how you feel InternalBleed. I think you're just letting the steam out but I know you're not gonna do anything. Nobody says it and expect not to get caught. You need to get professional help. Please. This is something that needs immediate attention not because you might do something (you are not really going to do anything) but because of your mental declination.

[namemyname]

I see you've done this before then Impressive.

Well, I don't want to brag, but I live in a border state.

[VincenzoG91]

Well, I don't want to brag, but I live in a border state.

Bleeding Kansas?

[namemyname]

Bleeding Kansas?

Something like that. lol

[Valixy]

'Physical pain is fleeting. Other pain, or "spiritual" pain, is not. I can live with permanent physical scars, I already have those anyway. [U]But not permanent internal scars. If I could find some way to destroy them internally...'

There ARE ways to heal!!! You just have to start looking for them!!! People heal emotionally every day.

[InternalBleed]

'Physical pain is fleeting. Other pain, or "spiritual" pain, is not. I can live with permanent physical scars, I already have those anyway. [U]But not permanent internal scars. If I could find some way to destroy them internally...'

There ARE ways to heal!!! You just have to start looking for them!!! People heal emotionally every day.

Do you know any ways?

Most things I've read just say "give it time", "distract yourself", or something else that does not seem to be working. I'm still mad after.

[Valixy]

Yes, i do.......

[Villo]

Well, I just signed up for this site so I could add to the helpful advice you're getting. First, you can afford therapy because you can't afford prison. Also, if you think you'll just go the rest of your life w/out having sex, you are fooling yourself. It's really obvious that you have a hard time being alone. How do I know this? Because you were so willing to bend over backwards to please those men.

You appear to have (at least) Borderline Personality Disorder. It's known as the "I love you / I hate you" syndrome ... like Glenn Close's character in "Fatal Attraction". You are quick to try and please people, and equally quick to develop hatred toward them. You convince yourself that the real problem has nothing to do with you, it has to be the men you feel victimized by. You can't see how some of your own actions led to you landing in the same situation over and over again, with the same kind of man. If you knew how angry you were with YOURSELF, for your own behavior (and not just these men), it might overwhelm you. In that way, it's easier to see them as the soul victims.

When I was younger, I "somehow" kept attracting men who weren't interested in much beyond sex. Then I looked at my own life - the man who raised me, how troubled my r-ship with him was ... how every corner I turned, I ran into a similar type of man, and ended up dating him. Once I went into therapy, it slowly dawned on me that I was subconsciously attracted AND revolted to men who wanted to use me, because I was trying to recreate and FIX the crappy r-ship I'd had with my father. Listen, a funny thing happened once I started taking more responsibility for my actions and my anger: I started feeling better about myself, and I started noticing all the great men out there. And - my hand to God - I also started losing my attraction to the emotionally unavailable men that had "somehow" turned up in my life when I was an angry, hurt mess. I could spot the wrong type of man as soon as he entered the room. ... You didn't accidentally stumble into the same hole three times. And your extreme anger has been with you since you were a kid. You just got good at "playing nice", until you couldn't play nice anymore and you slashed someone with a box cutter, which is criminal assault.

1. Get therapy. Now. Yesterday.
2. Take your own advice: Don't date or sleep with anyone.
3. Take the anger management class someone else suggested - I took that once. It was an eye-opener. You deserve some relief from the anger you're tortured by.

Finally, I really do commend you for being honest about your homicidal impulses. I can't help but think a huge part of you really does want help with this, otherwise, why announce it in a public forum?

[Valixy]

I had a childhood trauma that tortured me for years until adulthood actually. It completely disappearead when I was 27, completely, all emotional attachment to those memories was simply gone. All of it. And all that sufferance was replaced with happiness.

Then I met the 'perfect love', the one I had always dreamt of. It was just as I wanted it to be. When that was gone, it took me four years to heal. Four years of every day pain. And one day, the pain was all gone...All of it. And I became happier and stronger than I had ever been.

I could explain you everything better in private because I know how it happened, if you think you're interested...

[UnderTheMoon]

OMG! What is wrong with some of you?! I am extremely disappointed in some of the things I have read here in the last 24 hours, vehemently disappointed. A true homicidal maniac would not be on here leaving a trail behind if they planned on killing someone, normally this would be a heat of the moment kind of thing. The fact is, from EVERYTHING else I have read, OP is experiencing a severe grief from losing so many times in her life. GRIEF COMES IN MANY SHAPES AND FORMS, IT TAKES MANY SHAPES AND FORMS, AND IS RELEASED IN AN ENDLESS AMOUNT OF WAYS.
You don't think if someone said something negative about my dead sister I wouldn't **** them up? I mean, I WOULD KILL someone if they talked about my sister, or her kids in a negative way. I find it intolerable and one day, I won't be so bad, but I might as well have a knife protruding from my heart and every time someone says something hurtful to me, it's like they are flicking the blade and then salting the freshly torn wound.

The fact is your all guilty. You have all treated someone you love like shit because you were hurt or angry. You ALL have had a violent swing to want to harm someone WHETHER or not you can own up to it. WE all have. Those who are afraid of this impulse, WOULD turn to look for help but all I see are people harshly criticizing a young woman who is trying to vent through all the healthy means that she can. When you have a problem and you feel you are not right. Reaching out for help is EXACTLY what should be done.

Bleed, Take your own words and go with it and take the advice that is genuine on here and use it. I used to be a happy individual too, and then I nearly ripped someone's eye out of their head having a rage and there isn't a day that goes by when it doesn't pop into my mind and I just feel horrid.. I went to therapy over that and found out where all my rage was really stemming from, and when my sister died I was on that edge again and had to back away slowly.. I was in such a state of grief from losing my cousin and her baby, and my grandma and brother n law dying the same day, then being screwed over my my ex bfs, supposive friends, and having a history of early childhood trauma, I was a bomb ticking away. Until someone goes through unreasonable grief and stress they may never know how you, or I even feel. All I can say is this, If I can come back, if others can come back and become better more independent strong people, than so can you!

I may get a lot of shit for saying what I have, but the fact is I am right. People can disagree but my green grass is just fine and I wouldn't want anyone stepping on it anyways making it into shit.

You need to just be yourself, love yourself and gain your own independence. YOU should NEVER change for anyone. EVER. NEVER. EVER. If you can't be yourself, then you need to be the one saying "Well it was fun, but I have to go." Identity is crucial at your age, HELL it is crucial at mine as well. Without identity we don't have a sense of self and we wander about aimlessly never really knowing what we are looking for.

Know yourself, and love yourself, and when you are done getting help and you feel happy, good and calm again, you WILL find someone, and if you wait, if you let them treat you the way a woman should be treated without giving into the sex, you will find a decent guy.

And whatever you do, be honest about your feelings don't stuff them away. Stuffing them only makes things suffocative. Whenever you get upset and or angry, take a deep breath, and let it out nice and easy.

Now, I hope you get help and take care of yourself. Ignore any bullshit you already read, and no you are not crazy and those who say you are, should just be ignored.

Once again, some of you should be ashamed, I don't care if this is just a forum, if you can help someone you do, you don't just fan a flame and laugh about it, or act like it's unimportant because it makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes in life, we have to leave our comfort zone, until we do, we don't make a difference in our own lives, let alone anyone else's. Thanks.

[Millie]

Lol Moon, are you serious? The girl got dumped three times and she's raging like a damn psycho, nobody died in her story (yet) and I think most everybody who has made more than one comment on this thread has given the advice that this person needs help as an absolute priority, which you appear to agree with in your post, so I'm not sure what you're so ashamed/disappointed in. Personally I have nothing to feel guilty about that I know of and I most certainly have never ever had a violent swing to want to hurt someone but if you want to believe that I'm in denial you rock on the FACT is you are not right, your opinion is not fact, it's just your opinion

[HeartIsAching]

Millie - I'm sure I'm not alone in this... but I don't read your posts. I haven't a clue what the content of them is, I skip 'em because of the eye-bleed color. For all I know your posts might be insightful and intelligent.

[Millie]

Millie - I'm sure I'm not alone in this... but I don't read your posts. I haven't a clue what the content of them is, I skip 'em because of the eye-bleed color. For all I know your posts might be insightful and intelligent.

Lol that is entirely your choice, the color option is there so I figured I may as well make use of it, sorry it offends your eyes - but then you won't be reading this so I may as well save my font, right?

[rafterman]

Yeah its almost a conspiracy to murder, I'd like to post post more, but im i'm too busy sandbagging my bunker.
If I murdered everyone who was dishonest to me in the past, Id be looking at consecutive life sentences... the world is full of turdish people, male or female.... be cool OP or your life may actually become worse than you're posting here now...... cheers Raft.