Some insight please -10 year long story

[NeedAdc]

I have a situation where I need to get in touch with a girl that I dated 10 years ago. We went out for a year before I had to break up due to reasons beyond my control (I mean, absolutely out of my control). She believes that it was unfair and dis respectful and I agree with her. I was under strict orders and was not allowed to get in touch with her for about a year (please don’t ask who or why).
It has dawned on me over the years that I should get in touch with her and explain the circumstances and ask for her forgiveness. When she asked me why I was breaking up, I ”had” come up with a “pee-wee” story then.
She is on Facebook but I do not want to add her (let’s just say she will never add ME) and cause more misery, distress to her. I truly am sorry for leaving her high and dry and I can only hope her hatred for me has subsided over last 10 years.
At present; I think she is married and so am’ I (but not to each other needless to say). Do you guys think I still should contact her and let her know that I’m truly sorry? I know it makes no difference now but I do not want to cause issues on her side. It was wrong of me to drop a relationship that way, ignore someone repeatedly and not give a straight answer.
I’m more or less like a soldier who was asked to march out of the relationship then, I guess I was young and had a fool hardy heart. Over time with grey thinning hair and some wisdom, I have realized I’m just another person that broke someone badly and care less in time of need. I have been thinking of getting in touch with her for last 8 years but I never had the courage or advice on doing so.

[Villo]

A couple things are concerning here: First, you are both married. Ask yourself what is going on with you and/or your marriage right now that compels you to reach out to an ex you haven't spoken to in 10 years.

The second concerning thing is the secretive nature of your post. Why on earth can't you tell a set of total strangers the behavior of yours that you think led to that long-ago break up? It's almost like you're just hoping we'll just tell you what you want to hear: that we won't question your part in what happened and will just reflexively urge you to contact her. But without knowing what you did, there's no genuine way to help you know how she would respond 10 years later. Ugh.

Since you're unwilling to even reveal the basics of what happened, here's some general advice: tell your wife about this and see what her opinion is. If she is amenable to you contacting your ex to make amends, then create a temporary email account and email her a brief apology note. In that same note, tell her you are happily married and wish her all the best in her marriage now too. Then cancel your email account so you won't be able to read her response and keep the contact going.

But honestly, it sounds like something is wrong with your marriage and you want to distract yourself from it by getting in touch with this other woman. Not a good idea at all.

[catnip]

Agree with Villo. Tell your wife the whole story and ask her advice. If you're not comfortable telling your wife, then you shouldn't be doing it at all.

[NeedAdc]

I apologize for not being clear, the reason is simple, "religion". I was asked to leave her because of different religious beliefs.
My wife really does not care about me( we are separated), this has been the case since day 1. This is NOT the reason why I'm trying to get in touch with my Ex. I have been contemplating and hoping to tell the full story to the Ex even before I was arranged to be married. I know some of it does not make sense here is West but it's pretty common (arrange marriage) in Easter World.

[pennylane1984]

NeedAdc-I think you are being selfish and kind of naïve. Do you honestly think your ex is thinking about you like you are thinking about her? She is married now and that was a decade ago. It's not going to change her life knowing why you dumped her. And it's not going to change your life either. Are you wanting to have an affair with her? I don't get the motive behind wanting to contact her and I do not buy it is just to apologize to her. You sound unhappy in your own life and wanting a distraction. Besides if she is happily married good for her, why do her more stress by contacting her? LET IT GO. You can't go back and undo what you did. That is life.

[NeedAdc]

NeedAdc-I think you are being selfish and kind of naïve. Do you honestly think your ex is thinking about you like you are thinking about her? She is married now and that was a decade ago. It's not going to change her life knowing why you dumped her. And it's not going to change your life either. Are you wanting to have an affair with her? I don't get the motive behind wanting to contact her and I do not buy it is just to apologize to her. You sound unhappy in your own life and wanting a distraction. Besides if she is happily married good for her, why do her more stress by contacting her? LET IT GO. You can't go back and undo what you did. That is life.

Thanks, I'm unclear if she is married or not. In Jan of this year she was still single....I should have worded it correctly before, my mistake.
Thanks all, I will move on and not contact her.

[michelle23]

this is how affairs start. adding an old flame onFB, starting off talking about the past and what went wrong, telling each other all the intimate details of your seperate lives, confiding in each other about your marital problems, leaning on each other for emotional support,cod go from one email a month to a 100 a day in a year snd then you meet up and spend hours and hours reconnecting until eventually your having a full blown affair..
it was 10years ago. get the f over it and stop thinking about her.

your an adult now-its your ife-if your unhappy in your marriage-get a divorce and f**k what your family think and f**k religion (sorry if that offends anyone)

be mature about this, be strong and walk away from your wife who you never wanted. then go find yourself, who you are, who you want to be, the type of woman you want to marry and go find her. leave the ex where she belongsin the past and look forward to your future-a new chapter in your life..

we have all broken a heart or two and we have all been hurt. my ex 7years ago cheated on me. did i ever get an apology? no! do i want one? no! in fact if he tried to apologize now all these yers later id prob just laugh at him. i dont need closure. i closed that chapter a long time ago so forget the stupid idea

[Villo]

Yes. Listen to Michelle. Divorce your wife. If you don't divorce her before hitching up with some other woman, you will regret it. Why? Because any woman willing to date a man like you, who isn't yet divorced, is not stable enough or mature enough to be in a committed relationship. Mature, reasonable women won't date a man who is still married, even if that guy says he has a separation.

[NeedAdc]

Yes. Listen to Michelle. Divorce your wife. If you don't divorce her before hitching up with some other woman, you will regret it. Why? Because any woman willing to date a man like you, who isn't yet divorced, is not stable enough or mature enough to be in a committed relationship. Mature, reasonable women won't date a man who is still married, even if that guy says he has a separation.

Thanks, yes, the Divorce process started a while back but it's not settled yet.

[NeedAdc]

NeedAdc-I think you are being selfish and kind of naïve. Do you honestly think your ex is thinking about you like you are thinking about her? .

You are right... "people like me end up where we belong". I should have stood up when it mattered to her the most.

Do you honestly think your ex is thinking about you like you are thinking about her? .

I think so, but certainly not in a good way( judging myself in her shoe). I think she will "roll her eyes" and ask me to shut up if I was get in touch.

[NeedAdc]

my ex 7years ago cheated on me. did i ever get an apology? no! do i want one? no! in fact if he tried to apologize now all these yers later id prob just laugh at him. i dont need closure. i closed that chapter a long time ago so forget the stupid idea

Right on, I think after 8 years of "thinking and rethinking", I'm pretty close to calling it all off, I'am finally coming to grips on "terms of closure". I will go back to my garage and starting working on my project that I left half way through..nothing like the smell of gasoline and grease just before showing up at the office.

[michelle23]

look you have spent a long time in an unhappy loveless (possibly sexless) relationship. Your most basic need to be loved and to love is not being met so you are clinging onto the only real thing you ever had in the hope that you can find that again.

You can either spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder wondering what if or you can move forward now and look towards a more positive future where you can meet a new woman who you fall head over heels in love with. Your ex is married remember? So leave her alone to live her life and go make a life of your own that makes you happy

Best of luck