Keeping myself in check?

[Indestructible]

I have some mixed feelings about the way things are between this girl and I, and I'm just looking for some female perspective, I guess?

I've went through this story a bit here many times, but here's the background... I work with this girl (I know what people say about dating coworkers, but I obviously didn't PLAN to fall for her) who I hit it off with amazingly well. The dynamic between us was amazing, and it's the kind of dynamic I've been looking for in a potential girlfriend but have never been able to find. I asked her out, and she shot me down, though. I was kinda bummed out, and things got weird between us, prompting her to come to me a few months later and basically have a conversation about that. I took responsibility and apologized to her for that, and I told her that I wanted us to at least be good friends because, in my words, she's "the coolest girl I've ever met" (which had gotten a smile from her). But she said she thought that would be weird, and that we should just cool things down and not talk about this anymore. I would later find out that she was seeing another coworker (well, former coworker, now), which bummed me out even more, but I did my best to keep my distance. They've been dating for the last six or seven months, and she and I have been a bit distant with each other in this time. However, a couple of weeks ago, she split up with this guy because he cheated on her.

I almost wonder if maybe he told her to keep away from me, because ever since then, it's been like night and day with her; she and I are back to the fun, playful dynamic we used to have last year, and she seems surprisingly happy and upbeat for someone that just came out of a fairly lengthy relationship.

The thing is, I'm a bit torn. I love having this dynamic with her again, because I never have this with anyone else. It's a lot of fun, and I almost can't help engaging in it, because it just feels so natural to me.

But at the same time, this is kind of the reason I fell for her in the first place, and if I don't "keep myself in check", those lingering feelings I have may very well bubble up again, and I assume there's no chance she'll change her mind about going on a date with me. Already, in the back of my mind, I've occasionally found myself playing "What if?" scenarios with her, about maybe winning her over yet, but I'm doing my best to shoot those down as quickly as I can.

I know everyone will say "Stay away from her, this won't end well", but "staying away" isn't much of an option for someone I work with. Like I said, I WANT to have fun with her, I absolutely love the dynamic we have and just the way we screw with each other, I just wonder how I can best keep myself in check, and not let things get weird, or anything like that. Does that make sense?

[sadbunnyface]

I worry about coworkers dating, but if both single and your office is okay with it going on. Make sure you are not the easy fallback guy because she needs to have a man and there you always were, keep that in mind. I am not trying to be pessimistic, because yays for you both if all goes well. But good to keep stuff in back of your mind anyways. Which seems like you logically are, so good on you.
What if can be a good friend in love, I since learned this.

[Indestructible]

Well, I mean, I don't think she and I will actually date. Granted, I'd absolutely be up for it if she were interested, but I feel like she's made it clear enough that it's not going to happen, and I'd be shocked if she ever came around on that.

I just want to be able to enjoy having this dynamic with her again without necessarily falling for her again and/ or having goofy notions that "just maybe" something could still happen. Yanno?

[sadbunnyface]

I hate to tell you, Psst... you have fallen. She makes you feel happier. One never knows, anything good or bad can happen at any money, just be prepared in your mind and heart so you don't feel hurt later on. The part that concerns me is you are coworkers, because unless one of you moves on from that work you would be stuck there seeing each other with an awkward vibe.

[smackie9]

She kept her distance because she respected her relationship with her ex not because he told her to stay away from you. Next, about you wanting to date her, she trusts you that you will not approach her on that topic again. That is one reason why things are back to the way it was....that you are over it (girls are so naive). The other reason is that she is using you as a buffer to heal from her breakup....her emotional tampon. What girl wouldn't enjoy attention that has no obligation of a romantic relationship. The best thing to do is to control the amount of interaction with her. Don't initiate communication, don't go hang out, outside of work unless it's will a bunch of people, no talk of personal things like problems or past relationships or anything like that. Just keep it cool, learn to stop yourself from daydreaming about her. And find other things to fantasize about when you masturbate.....yes I am well aware of male co-workers using female co-workers as part of their masturbation theater as I call it.

[Indestructible]

The other reason is that she is using you as a buffer to heal from her breakup....her emotional tampon.

Thankfully, I think I may have avoided that aspect of it. There's another coworker she used to date (oddly enough, that also ended because he cheated on her as well) that she's seemingly been dumping that stuff on. I'm not really sure what kind of "dynamic" she has going on with that guy, but I guess maybe it's better that she tells him that stuff?

And find other things to fantasize about when you masturbate.....yes I am well aware of male co-workers using female co-workers as part of their masturbation theater as I call it.

Also, just because I was amused by this quote, I should say, I'm... weird with this kind of thing. At least, I interpret it as weird. I absolutely cannot "fantasize" that way about someone I'm actually attracted to. I just can't do it. Don't know why. Heck, I can't even "fantasize" about myself having sex period. So, needless to say, this isn't something that would be an issue, heh.

[smackie9]

T

Also, just because I was amused by this quote, I should say, I'm... weird with this kind of thing. At least, I interpret it as weird. I absolutely cannot "fantasize" that way about someone I'm actually attracted to. I just can't do it. Don't know why. Heck, I can't even "fantasize" about myself having sex period. So, needless to say, this isn't something that would be an issue, heh.

Maybe this is why you get stuck in the friends zone........not enough testosterone.

[Indestructible]

Hm. Well, not really sure what that means, or how to "work around" that.

[Indestructible]

She kept her distance because she respected her relationship with her ex not because he told her to stay away from you.

Oh! I forgot, I just wanted to say something about this. Back when she and I had that conversation about things haven gotten weird and her saying we should back off (I'm almost positive she was already seeing this other guy when she came to me with this), she mentioned in this conversation that she had went to management about the "weirdness" between us, but she heavily implied that someone else pushed her to do so and that she wouldn't have done so otherwise (though she was very careful not to tell me who).

[smackie9]

Well that should answer your previous post. Her ex wasn't a push over and slammed the hammer down on you two...he showed her who's boss....This is how you get a girl. You are a push over, a wimp ass, too eager to be with her, always there for her...too available. Stop being available..start being distant, cool, aloof, hard to read, don't answer her texts..stop with the 4 hours message seshes....it pussifies you. Ya gotta get the upper hand when it comes to girls. You need to be a challenge, you make them earn your attention.

[Indestructible]

Eh, well, I never bothered to try trading phone numbers or other contact information with her, so we only ever talk and hang out at work (aside from a couple times when we went out with a group of other coworkers). Honestly, I don't think I really got goofy that way with her until after she turned me down. Before I asked her out, I feel like I was pretty "cool" and "aloof" with her. I wasn't being clingy or "too available" or "door mat"ish. Actually, for the most part, she used to initiate most of the contact with me, she'd come find me, and whatnot, then when I asked her out that's when it really all changed.

[Indestructible]

I did something today that I feel a little guilty about... Nothing "bad", per se, but my motives were somewhat questionable. Now, she doesn't have any reason to believe that I know about her breakup, but ever since I heard about it, I've been feeling a bit more upbeat. I've also been feeling a bit more chipper due to an education/ career opportunity that I've been turned on to over the last couple of weeks.

Anyway, to get to my point, today, while I had a moment with her, I made a point to tell her how awesome this career opportunity thing has been for me, and how excited and happy I am, and how much fun it all is, and how I'm doing really well. She seemed happy for me, and we had a nice talk about it. So why do I feel guilty? Well, for one, even though I'm not supposed to know what's going on in her personal life, I felt like me "bragging" would be a bit insensitive and maybe make her feel bad. More than that, a small part of me kinda hoped that maybe by telling her how great things are going for me would maybe spark some kind of attraction on her end; stupid and unrealistic, I know. I mean, I didn't lie to her about anything, but still, I feel kinda guilty about it.

[basilandthyme]

Indestructible, I have no idea why you think any of this is bad or worth feeling guilty over. Personally, if I'm a bit down, the company of an upbeat and positive person can be a godsend. The last thing I want to do is wallow in my own misery.

And what's wrong with being happy knowing that someone you're keen on is single again? I'd be feeling really good about it too if I were you.

[Indestructible]

Indestructible, I have no idea why you think any of this is bad or worth feeling guilty over. Personally, if I'm a bit down, the company of an upbeat and positive person can be a godsend. The last thing I want to do is wallow in my own misery.

Heh, I dunno, that's just how I am, I feel guilty about stupid little stuff. I think there's more "guilt" because I'm sort of taking advantage of information I'm not supposed to know about. Like, if I didn't know what was going on in her personal life, it would be totally innocent of me to tell her all of this, but because I know something I'm technically not supposed to know, I feel like I took advantage of that just to try to build myself up in her eyes.

And what's wrong with being happy knowing that someone you're keen on is single again? I'd be feeling really good about it too if I were you.

Well, it just doesn't seem very nice to internally be thinking "Yay, your relationship failed!", yanno? Heh. Plus, it's not as though it REALLY matters, because she's going to start seeing someone else eventually, and I know it's not going to be me, so I'm a little annoyed with myself for finding any joy in this at all.

[smackie9]

Dude it takes a girl seven seconds to know if a guy is BF material or not...apparently you are not to her. So that's it.....she has already said no and no means it's not going t happen. It never made me change my mind about someone, just because they worked out, or they have a new career, etc....never made a difference....either you are attracted or not..pretty simple.