Would you proceed with caution?

[emilyd]

Hi there,

My boyfriend and I are 23, and have been dating for almost 3 years.

We've had our ups and downs, dating while also growing up in a lot of ways has brought us very close together , and at times have not. He is my very best friend and while I know our relationship isnt perfect, I love him more and more all the time. We argue fairly when we disagree, and we always have fun together.


His new job is extremely demanding especially during the summer months. He gets stressed out from 10-14 hour days, and he can become quite tired, sleep deprived, and irritable. I try to give him his space when he feels like this. However, a few weeks ago I was starting to worry and get frustrated over the amount of time he was spending at work, answering work emails, or when we were spending time together - how tired he was. I started to feel as though I was the reason he seemed to unhappy , which made me extremely insecure and paranoid.

One evening he told me he didnt deserve me. And the next morning I asked him what was wrong and he kind of blew up saying he didnt know if we were working out and he wasnt sure if he could see a future with me at all anymore. I was crushed. Heartbroken.

2 hours later he was telling me not to worry and he loved me very much and later that evening he came over and apologized.

Its been about 3 weeks. I'm still extremely hurt by what he said. He's begged me to believe him that he didn't really think about what he was saying and he'd just been so tired and increasingly frustrated by my worrying and insecurity. I do understand that - but I don't understand how you can tell someone they aren't apart of your future - and then take it back.

I love him. I feel like so much of my future is possible with him. Do I forget about it and move on, or do I proceed with caution and guard my heart a little. He knows he messed up badly, he still feels so awful and just wants me to trust him that he is sincere. Out of all the things someone you've been with for 3 years can say - that "you're not apart of my future", is probably the most hurtful. It was a big Oops.

[namemyname]

When a man tells you how he feels, LISTEN.

[emilyd]

Did you read my post? I did listen. HE is the one who rushed back 2 hours later, with zero nagging or guilt tripping on my part. He has been trying to reassure me that a future is very possible with me and he said what he said in a moment of frustration. Actually what he said was " If I would have been thinking clearly I would have said Things can't continue with you always being worried that It's your fault". I guess I was adding a lot of unnecessary stress. He doesn't want to break up. That wasn't apart of the question.

[r321148]

From what you've written, it sounds like it was a heat of the moment thing. People say all sorts of things they don't mean when they're feeling under pressure. Is something like that really worth destroying an otherwise good relationship over? Saying that I'd certainly use some degree of caution as he did say it after all, but it's probably more of a sign that he's getting overwhelmed than that he really wants rid of you.
Sounds like what you really need is some time together, just the two of you to have a proper talk about where things are going. Try to get away somewhere and leave all work stress and distractions behind for a few days.
That's my thoughts anyway

[namemyname]

Yeah, I read your post.

You asked for comments, and I told you to LISTEN to what he told you. He wasn't being untruthful about how he feels about you.

You can ignore it, as I'm sure you will, but when this surfaces again, as it will, remember you had a choice.

[basilandthyme]

He was probably just tired and emotional - made worse by you thinking that you were the problem. He was not only having to deal with his own tiredness, but having an insecure girl on top of it just got too much at the time.

Thing is though, how are YOU coping with these long hours? Are they a short term thing you have to muddle through or does it have no foreseeable end? As much as you want to be with him, you have to make sure you choose a relationship which meets your own needs too.