Joblessness causing a rift...

[xrobotlove]

My boyfriend and I have lived together for five months now and for that time he has worked and payed for nearly everything (rent, food, cigarettes, cable & internet, cat food & cat litter, dates, doctors, etc). I didn't graduate college and I don't have a lot of work experience because I spent several years being engaged to someone who didn't believe in women working. Now it's impossible to find a job with no education and no experience, especially in my city which is overcrowded and has a very poor job market.
In an attempt to relieve some of his money stress, I found a job waitressing but they can only put me on two days a week. I also took out a $3000 loan to go back to school so I can get a real job and make a real contribution to our life. But that takes TIME.
The issue is this: every morning before work, he is REALLY angry and depressed. He uses this time to "talk out loud" about how he's the only one doing anything, all the stress and responsibility falls on him, how he's working all day to pay for "my" apartment since he's never in it (works 12 hour shifts a lot), how he wishes he could "lay in bed all day with no responsibilities and get everything handed to me" even though that isn't even close to what I do, and how I clearly am using him and don't love him because I'm not trying hard enough to contribute.
This is the ONLY time we ever have negative interactions. He always texts me after a few hours apologizing and saying how awful he feels that he takes his stress out on me like that and sometimes goes on to acknowledge my value and the fact that I am trying to contribute.
Our relationship would be literally perfect if it weren't for the financial stress; we're so close and connected and in love, the sex is amazing and almost daily, we talk for hours and can never get to bed on time because of how caught up we get in spending time together. He treats me better than any man I've ever been with and he feels the same way about me.
But this morning anger... It makes me so anxious and upset all day long. I cry because I feel like I'm ruining his life, like I'm a burden. I've been in crazy abusive relationships in the past and have been yelled at a million times and he is NOTHING like that, but I guess because I love him so much, the thought of disappointing or burdening him actually hurts more than when others have hurt me. I know he's just venting and that if he didn't he might "vent" AT work and get himself in trouble. He doesn't have another place or person to vent to.
Still, he left 5 hours ago for work and I'm still obsessing over it. I'm not mad, just... Sad. I feel like I'm screwing up with the person I want to grow old with. But what can I do? Is there anything I can even do? Should I just give him his 15 minutes a day to release his anger? Because he's never like that any other time. How do other jobless people stay useful feeling in a relationship???

[LifeInflux]

Well this is a little bit of stress, and a lot a bit of resentment. Financial problems are the biggest source of discourse in relationships in the US. The way he is taking it, isn't exactly productive.

If you've found a job as a waitress, well lucky you, now you have some experience. Find another job as a waitress on your off days.


When I was younger I onces applied at a hair salon... I was a 16 year old, straight male, and I remember the lady at the counter laughed at me when I asked for an application, but as I was walking out, a guy who was in there told me, "Theres no shame in honest work."

To that end, apply everywhere you can, and as often as you can. If nothing else, show him you're doing your best and are constantly looking for more work.


Then start looking at the finances on "your" apartment. See what utilities you can cut the bill on by shopping around for services, cut out things you don't need, even if its only 10 dollars a month. Cook for him, and make sure he knows you don't just lay about all day. If you are as invested and caring as you say you are, theres always something more you can do.

[xrobotlove]

Well this is a little bit of stress, and a lot a bit of resentment. Financial problems are the biggest source of discourse in relationships in the US. The way he is taking it, isn't exactly productive.

If you've found a job as a waitress, well lucky you, now you have some experience. Find another job as a waitress on your off days.


When I was younger I onces applied at a hair salon... I was a 16 year old, straight male, and I remember the lady at the counter laughed at me when I asked for an application, but as I was walking out, a guy who was in there told me, "Theres no shame in honest work."

To that end, apply everywhere you can, and as often as you can. If nothing else, show him you're doing your best and are constantly looking for more work.


Then start looking at the finances on "your" apartment. See what utilities you can cut the bill on by shopping around for services, cut out things you don't need, even if its only 10 dollars a month. Cook for him, and make sure he knows you don't just lay about all day. If you are as invested and caring as you say you are, theres always something more you can do.

Thank you for your response, and for being constructive. I didn't know that about how financial strain is a leading relationship issue in the US, but it makes total sense because its really hard to find a job here.
I could definitely cook for him more often! (hmm chicken and rice tonight? lol). Before I enrolled in school I was constantly looking for a job, ANYWHERE even the crappiest of burger joints, retail stores and maid services. I live in Philly and all of the entry-level jobs are being given to the overqualified college educated experienced people that are being laid off from their career jobs. I guess I've been feeling discouraged about it and stopped looking.
Even the thing I'm going to school for is technically entry-level (vet assisting) but vets here refuse to hire people off the street and train them.
I feel weird trying to prove to him I don't just lay around because what I do accomplish is nothing compared to his job. He's a foreman at a water/fire/sewage damage restoration company, he works his ass off and sometimes works longer than 12 hour days. I guess the root issue is.. He feels exhausted and I feel inadequate.

[dem862]

Have you told him how it makes you feel? You should have said something like When you take your stress out on me, it makes me feel sad and inadequate. Hopefully he will make an effort to change. It is somewhat verbally abusive, what he is doing. And he sounds a little ungrateful about what you do contribute.

[lalalita]

He's a grown man. It's HIS choice to support you financially. No one is holding a gun to his head, forcing him to pay for everything. Even if you were to move out, he would still need to work to support HIMSELF. He needs to put a sock in it. If supporting you is such a problem for him, he doesn't have to do it. You're not his responsibility. He should be supporting you because he WANTS to take care of you, and because it makes him feel good to do so.

[michelle23]

first of all if hes working hard and your not than you need to have his dinner ready when he gets home and have the house vlean and tidy. its only fair. if you are not sure what time he will be home or if you have plans-cook something that he can reheat in the microwave like shepards pie or curry or meat, veg and potatoes..

now look at your bills and groceries. is there any way you can save money by switching to cheaper electrics or gas. would your landlord consider dropping the rent or can you move somewhere cheaper? can you get rid of certain tv chanels that are more expensive such as sports or movies? have you got any old junk lying around that you can sell? theres lots of second hand stores that take books, clothes, DVDs, slectronics, old broken jewlerry etc.

now you have a job 2 days a week. put your head down and work hard. when they see your potential ask for more hours-tell them if there are any extra hours going-you will take them. and keep looking for something else-another 2days a week somewhere else.

i think he is being unreasonable. honestly i think a lot of men these days are spoiled brats compared to the old days. im not saying women shouldnt contribute-of course they should but men should still have more drive in them to provide if its necessary and quit b**ching and whining about it. most men do v little around the house, expect their misses to do everything including wipe his ass but yet still expect her to work full time and shes overwhelmed with too much responsibility. does she vent and complain like a psycho every morning-no. most just put up with it and get on with it.

i do understand hes under a lot of pressure and stress but you need to tell him how this makes you feel. its abusive and he should not upset you this much before he leaves every morning

[michelle23]

plus he obviously new you were not working when he moved in. why did he agree to it if it bothers him this much? plus if he moved out hed still be paying the same money he is paying now living alone give or take a few 100..

surely he can see how he is behaving is not helping anything. you should be working as a team to fix it-not tearing each other apart.

have a proper talk with him about this. try to find a solution together or else you are heading for a breakup. this cannot go on

[surfhb2]

Yes....you need to talk to him on how you feel first off

Secondly, why not work on and help him with a financial plan? Does he save? Do you guys have a budget? Do you/him contribute to a 401k, Traditional IRA or Roth IRA?

I'm seeing about 400-600 dollars a month you can shave monthly! Cigarettes!?!? Really girl !?! I used to smoke so I know how hard it is. Do you understand that $400 a Month invested will make you millionaires before retirement age ??!!

While you work and go to school (fall enrollment starts now) maybe you can read some books on finance, budgeting and investing. Stop smoking and budget.....maybe it will help with a future career? He will have more money and be healthier and MILLIONAIRES. Sound like a good plan??? Hmmm??

Any women who'd be willing to to those things for me would be golden !!!!

Agreed! He needs to stop bitching because it makes you feel awful....at the same time, it takes 2 incomes these days so you need to do as much as you can to contribute.

You'll be working pt, going to school for a future career and taking charge of the finances, YOU SOUND LIKE PERFECT WOMAN TO ME !!! . If he can't appreciate that then he's not worth it

PM me if you want some good book ideas

[michelle23]

smoking? if money is this tight than thats a luxury you cannot afford. give them up. it may save your relationship. i know its not easy i smoke so does my bf. we have a plan to give them up after our holiday in september as i have a new job lined up and could lose €70 a week. i have to go backwards to move forward in my career and cigs are the first thing to go to achieve that aim.

[trevor]

duss michelle23 have a fukin life outside the computer.saddo

[xrobotlove]

plus he obviously new you were not working when he moved in. why did he agree to it if it bothers him this much? plus if he moved out hed still be paying the same money he is paying now living alone give or take a few 100..

surely he can see how he is behaving is not helping anything. you should be working as a team to fix it-not tearing each other apart.

have a proper talk with him about this. try to find a solution together or else you are heading for a breakup. this cannot go on

We got an apartment together somewhat through dire circumstances, and moved to a new town that was closer to his job. We both thought it would be much easier for me to find a job, especially because all I really need is a minimum wage part time job and we'd be fine. It's just been grueling and futile. We both smoke though, and we've both smoked for at least 10 years, and we do want to quit. He is reasonable when we have talked about this, and like I said he always apologizes and recognizes the things he never has to worry about like dishes and grocery shopping etc. It's really just him being stressed out about how much he works and feeling bitter or even jealous that I'm not doing it too. One thing I didn't mention is that we took in a stray cat that had 4 kittens. I've been really occupied with raising them (they go from helplessly needy straight to rambunctious and wild, they require a lot of my attention). So he often says "I go to work while you stay home and play with the kittens." He loves them but resents them because he thinks its keeping me from working, plus they've been slowly costing quite a penny (although I've been paying for almost all of it with the money I get waitressing). We aren't necessarily strapped for cash, but we don't have money to do anything and live paycheck to paycheck and I think he's just used to having more extra money and savings.
I just don't understand how to make him realize that school takes time to pay off.. I start classes in a week or so and might not be able to fit working more into my schedule for another few months...
Also about my 2 day a week job, I'm lucky to even have those 2 days. The place is REALLY slow. Although I do take on extra "coupon jobs" that my boss pays me $20 to do, and I always take that, but he says that it's barely a job.
We do need to talk about this again though, ill be sure to consider what you guys have said here. Thank you

[surfhb2]

they've been slowly costing quite a penny (although I've been paying for almost all of it with the money I get waitressing). We aren't necessarily strapped for cash, but we don't have money to do anything and live paycheck to paycheck and I think he's just used to having more extra money and savings.)

I think my advice went in one hear and out the other

[michelle23]

how old are the kittens. sell them even if you only get 20 each for them and forget vaccines. thats up to the nrw owners unless they are willing to pay 200+ for them.

i bought my dog for 50-i pakd for all her injections, worm, flea etc

[xrobotlove]

how old are the kittens. sell them even if you only get 20 each for them and forget vaccines. thats up to the nrw owners unless they are willing to pay 200+ for them.

i bought my dog for 50-i pakd for all her injections, worm, flea etc

I'm a training vet assistant and a lifetime animal advocate... I couldn't give them up earlier than what is healthy for them (12 weeks) anymore than I'd kick a ten year old child out for "costing too much." BUT we will be selling them, and they'll be worth a good bit because they've been very well hand raised and are GORGEOUS blue korat mixes. Plus you can charge more for pre-vaccinated kitties

[xrobotlove]

I think my advice went in one hear and out the other

Ohh not at all!! I thanked it, but I've been chasing kittens, grocery shopping, and cooking dinner and keep letting water boil over by these individualized replies ;p I'm not sure if I mentioned but I'm 23, he's 22. I've been managing my finances and living away from my parents since age 16, but this is his FIRST apartment. It's a bit of reality blasting him as well. We don't really need to budget because I've been poor my entire life and literally can't help but live cheaply. Our food costs like absolute maximum 30-40 a week. Absolute maximum. I only buy store brand and coupon like crazy. He just isn't used to his money going toward basic needs which had previously been met by his parents. He can't buy shoes and sixers tickets, basically.