I feel like my boyfriend is too irresponsible.

[anonymous_a]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and other than a few speed bumps here and there, we have a pretty good relationship. When I was 18 I moved away and partied for 3 years in another city. When I came back here I came to get my life together, (and just happened to hook up with my boyfriend) and I feel as though I have been pretty successful in doing so.

My problem is that, I've had the same job for the last year and a bit, I never call in sick, and I work hard. My boyfriend on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He's in school for the third time, as he dropped out of two other programs over the last 7 years, and he swears he is committed to finishing this program, yet he failed three classes his first year. This isn't the end of the world, but I also don't plan on staying in this city forever. When he graduates we plan on moving to another city so I can go back to school as well. Him failing 3 classes set us back half a year. When this happened, I didn't worry too much about it.

He finished school in April, and was obviously supposed to find a job for summer, being that we have a nice (expensive) apartment, and 2 dogs. During the school year he has government funding for school so he has his share of the bills covered, during the summer however, he does not. Since April he's only worked full time for about a month, and today he got fired for calling in sick too many times. He calls in sick for the lamest reasons, and finds excuses for everything. We've been struggling this summer because I've been covering all the bills, and I'm starting to get sick of it. I came back here to get shit together and pay off my debts, and all my money is just going towards bills, I can't even afford to put away into a savings.

I feel like he doesn't know the definition of responsibility and he's 3 years older than me. He's 26 and I'm 23, he should be able to keep a simple factory job for 4 months. The last thing I want, is to get stranded in this stupid city for the next 5 years and keep working this pointless job.

I'd like to encourage him to be more responsible but he gets very defensive, and like I said, makes excuses for everything.

Any ideas of what I can say or do to make him see that he needs to start taking this thing we call LIFE, serious?

[michelle23]

you cant change him. he sounds lazy to me. i would break up with him if he were my bf. hes holding you back and you cant plan a future with someone has no motivation, no income, doesnt take any responsibility and is too laid back

i have called in sick twice in the 8 years of working. i cant stand people like that who will take a sick day if they have a little pain in their toe. its ridiculous.

[anonymous_a]

you cant change him. he sounds lazy to me. i would break up with him if he were my bf. hes holding you back and you cant plan a future with someone has no motivation, no income, doesnt take any responsibility and is too laid back

i have called in sick twice in the 8 years of working. i cant stand people like that who will take a sick day if they have a little pain in their toe. its ridiculous.

He is a little lazy, but so am I, but I don't let it get in the way of my work. He is definitely lacking motivation, which I've tried to help him with. It sucks because he has actually come along way from where he used to be, but it's just not far enough. He swears he is going to find a new job by Friday, but let's face it, in this economy, that's not exactly practical. I've been pretty cold towards him since yesterday morning, and he seems to be getting the hint, but honestly, September is coming soon, and he'll back in school, and I just don't know if I can handle it. Last year I had to force him out of bed on multiple occasions, and he STILL skipped classes and didn't do homework. I don't understand why he is wasting time and money on something he's not motivated in, but fvck, Im' not his damn mother, he's 26 years old, he needs to figure his shit out.

[Wakeup]

You live in Canada, Anon. Our economy is doing just fine and jobs of the part time nature are'nt scarce so don't be making excuses for him if your goal is to be with a motivated individual. You are'nt his mother so stop "forcing him out of bed" tell him matter of factly that you will not be taking the role of his mother any longer and if he can't get out of bed on his own then he'll have to find another bed to shirk his responsibilities in. AND MEAN IT.

Being "pretty cold" towards him is useless behaviour that affects you more then it will affect him. You waste valuable positive energy from within with that exercise. You should really figure out a way to effectively communicate to him that his past and present behaviour isn't what you enjoy in a partner and that you won't be codependently staying with him if it continues because his lifestyle just meants that you are fundamentally incompatible and your relationship won't last the test of time when that is the case.

He's wasting time because he can. Nothing happens, you take care of him and Its now becoming quite clear why you are finding other men and getting yourself into the Blue Eyes predicament. You're losing attraction to your boyfriend because he's not being an alpha male.

fvck, Im' not his damn mother, he's 26 years old, he needs to figure his shit out.

Then stop being mother-like. You enable him to be who he is.

[OutOfLuck]

Just tell him any job will do for now. Encourage and reward him for his efforts no matter how minimal. He might just be burnt out from school, its happened to me so I know. Money is number one reason for break-ups so try not to lash out at him about it, just be reasonable and eventually he will see the light hopefully sooner than later. Hope this helps.

[Wakeup]

Just tell him any job will do for now. Encourage and reward him for his efforts no matter how minimal. He might just be burnt out from school, its happened to me so I know. Money is number one reason for break-ups so try not to lash out at him about it, just be reasonable and eventually he will see the light hopefully sooner than later. Hope this helps.

This is codependent thinking at its finest. Do encourage him and let him know how proud you are AFTER he's accomplished something to be encouraged and proud of however "eventually he will see the light" is simple folly if nothing changes, if he doesn't take seriously the fact that the good life with Anon isn't cemented in stone and no matter how laxidasical and irresponsible he is, she'll still keep being his bread winner and mother hen. So far, she's taken care of everything so why should he change?

[anonymous_a]

If he had passed all his classes with flying colors, I'd believe that he was burnt out from school, but he didn't. And yes Wakeup, Canada is lucky, but the city that I live in has one of the highest unemployment rates in the province, AND he has a criminal record. This makes it hard for him to find work. But finding work isn't necessarily the problem. He's been able to find work, he just keep a damn job. I love him to pieces, and I think he has so much potential, but it's exhausting and frustrating being broke all the time, and never having money for myself.

[Wakeup]

Read him the riot act then... and actually mean what you say if you give him an ultimatum... If you leave him, just don't jump on the blue eyes band wagon because remember he has a gf and you don't want to get mixed up in his shit. You'll be worse off after that then you are now, no joke.

[anonymous_a]

Read him the riot act then... and actually mean what you say if you give him an ultimatum... If you leave him, just don't jump on the blue eyes band wagon because remember he has a gf and you don't want to get mixed up in his shit. You'll be worse off after that then you are now, no joke.

Blue eyes isn't even on my mind with all this shit going on. Even if I break up with my boyfriend, I won't be jumping onto anyone else (at least not for a relationship, LOL).
I just don't want to give up on him.. I feel like he has so much potential, I just don't know how to make him see it without giving him that ultimatum. And if I give him that ultimatum, he might be so hurt that he doesn't even want to find a job, he'll just sulk and go sleep on parents couch or something. Smh.

[Wakeup]

Blue eyes isn't even on my mind with all this shit going on. Even if I break up with my boyfriend, I won't be jumping onto anyone else (at least not for a relationship, LOL).
I just don't want to give up on him.. I feel like he has so much potential, I just don't know how to make him see it without giving him that ultimatum. And if I give him that ultimatum, he might be so hurt that he doesn't even want to find a job, he'll just sulk and go sleep on parents couch or something. Smh.

Then continue to enable his behaviour and learn to stop trying to control him.

BTW: If his criminal record may possibly be sealed. He can apply for a pardon and have it removed from his record if he's done the fine/time ... that should help with his opportunities. Google "Criminal Record Pardon in Ontario" and get HIM to start the process to at least see if his record is one of the ones that can be sealed/pardoned whatever.

[anonymous_a]

Then continue to enable his behaviour and learn to stop trying to control him.

BTW: If his criminal record may possibly be sealed. He can apply for a pardon and have it removed from his record if he's done the fine/time ... that should help with his opportunities. Google "Criminal Record Pardon in Ontario" and get HIM to start the process to at least see if his record is one of the ones that can be sealed/pardoned whatever.

What do you mean by trying to control him? If I tried to control him, he'd be controlled, and he would have been at work every day, and wouldn't have gotten fired lol. And yes, I know he can apply for a pardon, but it is expensive, and he would have to pay his fine, which is $67,000.

[Wakeup]

What do you mean by trying to control him? If I tried to control him, he'd be controlled,

if you were SUCCEEDING in your attempts at control, he'd be controlled. you're trying and failing at it. Which is normal because you can change you but you have zero control at changing anyone else... they have to have the lightbulb moment and actually have the motivation and need to want that change. He has no motivation to change at the moment because you're there supporting him and accepting what he does. All he has to do is put up with your nag for a bit and then it's right back to the status quo.

And yes, I know he can apply for a pardon, but it is expensive, and he would have to pay his fine, which is $67,000.

What? You don't have the coin? (j/k)

[anonymous_a]

if you were SUCCEEDING in your attempts at contro, he'd be controlled. you're trying and failing at it.

I'm not a controlling person. I've never tried to control him. I've never been that way at all. I've always let him make his own choices, and look where it's gotten us.

[Wakeup]

I'm not a controlling person. I've never tried to control him. I've never been that way at all. I've always let him make his own choices, and look where it's gotten us.

You're not seeing what you do and how you try to control. I added to that post, maybe that will clear up what I'm trying to convey to you. People who try to control rarely see that they are trying to control btw it's called denial. Not trying to piss you off but the very fact that you try to wake him up is you trying to control. Sorry, I'm not trying to piss you off but what I'm saying is the truth. Look at who he is. You can't make him change but you can give him motivation to want to by stopping enabling him by stopping being his reason not to worry about his own growing up, that he still has to do.

Oh and another thing. You'll have a hard time crossing the boarder, getting on a plane that flys to or over American air space if he has a record and they pull it up. Happend to a friend of ours kid when he was going over to Las Vegas for his Bachelor party.. the whole wedding party flew out and they randomly searched the groom and they wouldn't let him on the plane. Something else for you to consider while you're figuring out if this guy is your LIFEmate or just a passing fancy.

[thompkevin]

The problem is that he gets defensive when you want to talk about it. You have to talk to him in a way he doesn't get defensive. Let him know it's important for you, and let him know what you expect from him and your life. Of course, if talking doesn't work, you will have to take the hard option and dump him.