Joblessness causing a rift...

[Starnique]

First get rid of the damn cats. Second, don't start a habit that you cant afford to fund yourself. In other words, get rid of the cigarettes unless you can buy them with your own money. Other then that, like Michelle said, take care of home so when he gets there it's like a breath of fresh air, like he can be thinking, I cant wait to see her. Anyway, if he is aware that you are trying to find a job, you did finish school, he should be happy to help if he knows you are trying. The job market is hard from my understanding, Im glad I don't have that problem with what I do and I get a good work out. PM for details and see how he would feel about you making money then(joking). Seriously, you are doing the best you can and you are trying, what more does he want? I understand his stress but isn't the man suppose to be happy to take care of a woman? You will find something soon anyway, you worked too hard in school for anything less then the best.

[surfhb2]

Ohh not at all!! I thanked it, but I've been chasing kittens, grocery shopping, and cooking dinner and keep letting water boil over by these individualized replies ;p I'm not sure if I mentioned but I'm 23, he's 22. I've been managing my finances and living away from my parents since age 16, but this is his FIRST apartment. It's a bit of reality blasting him as well. We don't really need to budget because I've been poor my entire life and literally can't help but live cheaply. Our food costs like absolute maximum 30-40 a week. Absolute maximum. I only buy store brand and coupon like crazy. He just isn't used to his money going toward basic needs which had previously been met by his parents. He can't buy shoes and sixers tickets, basically.

Thats Good! One bit of clarification. Budgeting doesnt mean living cheap as possible....It means you take inventory of all your monthly cash flow and subtract your expenses. I mean EVERYTHING TOO! Youd be surprised to find what you can cut out.

Like I said...between 2 smokers and the cats and cable Id bet you have 400-600 dollars a month right there. Once you know where your money goes its easy to track what you can spend. The problem is sticking to it !! So with 400-600 bucks a month you can save 200 and have fun with the rest! Youre Welcome! I just increased your cashflow per month

Go here and see what 200 or 300 dollars (a paltry $40 a week) every month saved for 30 years at 8% is ( slightly below the Stock markets avg over any 30 year period.....about $400,000

http://www.thecalculatorsite.com/finance/calculators/compoundinterestcalculator.php

[michelle23]

Ya I agree budgeting doesn't mean cheap. You should try to eat healthy, nutritious food for a start.

Budgeting means writing a list each month of how much you have and what bills, rent, groceries, any other expenses are gonna cost.

Here is mine and my bfs

Combined wages:
3850

rent: 600
gas: 30
esb: 75
sky: 31
bins: 27
health insurance: 65
xmas savings: 50
groceries: 300
savings: 800
petrol: 300
loan: 200
anything left over: 1375

Right now we are saving for a holiday. My bf is saving 120 a week. I am trying to save 200-300 a month-more if I can. If you know exactly how much you have and what you can spend and what you have left over than you can save and you can also plan a date night. Money is tight for us but we manage really well coz we know what we can afford. We took out a loan for our holidays which was a bit risky but I cannot afford to pay it with my new job (losing money)-he said he will pay it coz he knows he can afford it

[HeartIsAching]

I'm gonna boil this down for you:

Still, he left 5 hours ago for work and I'm still obsessing over it. I'm not mad, just... Sad. I feel like I'm screwing up with the person I want to grow old with.

That's how he meant you to feel. While the level of abuse may not be what you've experienced in the past, he's using economic, emotional and mental abuse to gain a lever over you. Unfortunately, those sorts of abuse usually go unrecognized and while they're not physically harmful (directly, anyhow), they're far more insidious and soul-destroying. I know EXACTLY where you're coming from.

He IS feeling burdened and resentful, and he has cause... but he's not communicating with you clearly and honestly, he's using coercive and passive-aggressive methods to try and force you to do what it is he wants. He probably believes that you're not trying. I suggest you speak to him about this using "I Statements" http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html and see what results that gets you.

No, you shouldn't put up with this. It's a horrid situation to live in - I know.

As far as your employment situation goes - are you trying? Have you signed up at every temp agency in the area?

[HeartIsAching]

Ya I agree budgeting doesn't mean cheap. You should try to eat healthy, nutritious food for a start.

Budgeting means writing a list each month of how much you have and what bills, rent, groceries, any other expenses are gonna cost.

Here is mine and my bfs

Combined wages:
3850

rent: 600
gas: 30
esb: 75
sky: 31
bins: 27
health insurance: 65
xmas savings: 50
groceries: 300
savings: 800
petrol: 300
loan: 200
anything left over: 1375

Right now we are saving for a holiday. My bf is saving 120 a week. I am trying to save 200-300 a month-more if I can. If you know exactly how much you have and what you can spend and what you have left over than you can save and you can also plan a date night. Money is tight for us but we manage really well coz we know what we can afford. We took out a loan for our holidays which was a bit risky but I cannot afford to pay it with my new job (losing money)-he said he will pay it coz he knows he can afford it

Uh... I don't know what half of that means, LOL.

[michelle23]

Uh... I don't know what half of that means, LOL.

haha
rent
gas (heating, hot water)
electricity
rubbish collection
health insurance (give to my mum as I am still part of their health insurance)
Christmas savings (so I can buy presents for people without worrying-I give that money to my mum to save for me)
Groceries
Savngs
Gas for car
Loan
What we are left with

[xrobotlove]

Okay, so, we talked. twice, actually. I initiated it twice because he's a completely different person in the morning than he is any other time a day. (He's angry and abrasive in the AM and in the evening he's anywhere from loving and understanding, optimistic and ambitious, to depressed and "doomed".) So I tried to talk to him when we were cuddling watching TV last night and he said almost everything you guys said. How no matter the situation I don't deserve it, how taking out his stress on me isn't helping me get a job, and acknowledging how many places I've applied and how hard it is etc. He was all gung-ho about me going to school and we ended up talking about all the things we can do once I'm working in a hospital. He sympathized with me, I sympathized with him, we talked about how this situation is very temporary and that things will be very different once I'm done school and working 30-40 hours a week making the same amount of money as he makes.
But in the morning... Usually I try to "talk back" as little as possible to his morning raving because I know he's just venting, but today I replied. This time he revealed that he thinks school will never work out, ill never get a job, and he's just going to waste away down to the bone from working (his job requires intense physical labor in order to demolish houses and he already has arthritis).
Okay so like I said, we don't really need to budget. We aren't really hard on money or anything. We have movie channels, cigarettes, weed, Netflix, cats, etc. I kind of think it isn't about the money I'd bring in with a job, but more so he wants equality in efforts. I think no matter what he's going to be angry for 15 minutes a day between 11:10am-11:25am. Last night I cooked him a really amazing meal. Home made chicken, rice, and vermicelli with his favorite kind of tossed salad on the side. The dishes were all done, the house was clean, and a cozy night was set up. But none of that mattered by the morning time. He did admit that some of why he's mad is because he's pissed that he has to get out of bed, but sees me still in the bed and gets so mad that he can't just lay in bed with me. It's kind of starting to seem like its "if I'm suffering at work, you should be too." It's funny though, at the same time as I look at him getting up for work I'm jealous to the core that he has somewhere he has to be everyday...
So where does this leave me? Maybe the title of this thread should have been 'job causing a rift' instead of joblessness. :/

[surfhb2]

I don't get it.....you'll be going to school FT ( you do plan on going to school FT right??). and working PT. You'll probably be busier then he is. I don't understand what his problem is.....but I'm betting it's the fact that he's so young and see his money flying out the window every month? I had the same issue when I moved out of my parents....but that's life....time to grow up

If he can't accept that then you need to move on. I mean, I'm seeing a perfect situation for both of you. He's employed and you the opportunity to go to school FT to work in a hospital in 3 years time. Nurses make upwards of 90k btw.

Again....you aren't understanding what a budget is and what it's for. All those things you listed are not only vices that slowly KILL YOU but they are expensive. Smokes, weed and TV! Nice! You know there's a reason why most people don't partake in those kind of things don't you?

[xrobotlove]

I don't get it.....you'll be going to school FT ( you do plan on going to school FT right??). and working PT. You'll probably be busier then he is. I don't understand what his problem is.....but I'm betting it's the fact that he's so young and see his money flying out the window every month? I had the same issue when I moved out of my parents....but that's life....time to grow up

This is exactly it in my opinion. Before, he had a home bill and paid his parents a few hundred for rent. Other than that all his money could stay in the bank and go to whatever. Now, it all goes to bills and is gone as quickly as it was deposited. I really don't want to say to him "that's life, that's what everyone does, and you'd be doing the same exact thing with or without me" until I'm working. But yeah, the future for us is bright, he's just having a hard time looking forward to it without dwelling in what is a temporary situation. Btw, I'm going to be a veterinary technician actually, but still the salary is decent enough to live off of comfortably.

Again....you aren't understanding what a budget is and what it's for. All those things you listed are not only vices that slowly KILL YOU but they are expensive. Smokes, weed and TV! Nice! You know there's a reason why most people don't partake in those kind of things don't you?

No I do know what budgeting is, I'm saying that we don't really have money issues, and I listed those things as examples of our leisure expenses that we couldn't afford if we had money problem. Those are all things Im happy living without and lived without before him, but he likes smoking and watching movie channels. If we couldn't afford rent because of it then clearly those would be the first things to go. It really seems to be about equality rather than the actual money two incomes would bring in. He just wants me to be out of the house as much as he is. Part of school is an unpaid internship, and he talks about looking forward to that. He says its because it doesn't seem like I'm as invested in the relationship as he is because I'm not exhausted by the end of the day. And that I'm just "enjoying a free ride."

[michelle23]

you do need to budget. your missing the point. hes working hard everyday to pay for your bad habits which are luxuries-not necessities. he should have something to show for his hard work even if it is just a new tshirt or shoes each moth or saving for a holiday. it cant be all work and no play. and why are you staying in bed till 11 or 12 in the day? get up early, clean the house, look for work. i can understand his frustration. its scary your gonna be dependent on him for 3years.

hes working hard, paying for everything while you get to lay in bed and you admit that you dont cook enough or clean. its like your kittens are more important.

his venting is not okay but you do need to do more. hes not the only problem. if you wana go anywhere in life then stop smoking weed ffs. thats prob contributing to his anger and your lazieness.

you are both the problem here. its time for you both to grow up. make whatever changes you need to make, work hard, study hard and put in some more effort. if his attitude doesnt change-then you may need to accept hes not ready for marriage and responsibility and move out. go home to your parents and study from home

the reason i mentioned marriage is coz living together is the same thing and if you and he had kids-hed have to step up and work just as hard without b**ching and whining. it sounds like hes not handling it well now

[surfhb2]

We aren't necessarily strapped for cash, but we don't have money to do anything and live paycheck to paycheck and I think he's just used to having more extra money and savings.

No....you DO have money issue !!

We both smoke though, and we've both smoked for at least 10 years, and we do want to quit

Just do me a favor and pick a day to quit for both of you next month. Get the patch and try those electronic cigarettes ( they really work BTW.... I know). Read a book on budgeting and do an inventory and see what can be saved. I guarantee you could save this man $300 a month( and his life).

At the end of the day, you need to be working just as long and hard as he is....whether it be reading up on budgeting, the dangers of smoking, looking for work, studying, cooking, cleaning...whatever it may be.

One thing you could do is get up early before he does and make him breakfast I know that sounds so Ozzie and Harriet but If hes in a bad mood after that then F HIm. Like Michelle said.....you need to stop being lazy (not a accusation)

Good Luck!!

[michelle23]

ill just add the first year living together is the hardest so going into it with financial issues is a recipe for disaster..

my first gear living with my bf was hard at times but really minor issues compared to yours. maybe you need to accept that you guys are not meant to be if things dont improve

[michelle23]

its unfair for him to say you should be just as exhausted as him... me and my bf both work 6days but hes usually more tired than me. he doesnt give me a hard time over it. his job involves manual lbour-minse doesnt and he works longer hours but i do more around the house..

girl if you cant find a compromise that makes you both happy-then this is the beginning of the end..

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a lazy cunt, but I feel like you've probably been one since before meeting your boyfriend. His situation is his own fault. How is it that you came to live with him in the first place?

[lalalita]

Michelle, your rent is 600 a month!? I'm coming to live where you do!