Let me start off by apologizing for the long post. There is so much more to the dynamic of the situation, but I have narrowed it down to what I feel is the most relevant.

I met Jane the summer of 2001 after starting a new job. We very quickly went from being mere coworkers to very close friends. My feelings for her grew to a semi-secret love for her. Several of our mutual friends knew I had feelings for her that went beyond friendship, however, I never made a move to let her know that I desired more. After about a year of being close friends with Jane, our friendship hit the rocks. I left that job and moved on. Though we occasionally talked, we no longer hung out.

I had not seen or spoken to Jane in several years when in February of this year I noticed she was logged into Facebook. I decided to send her an IM to see how she was doing. She gave me her phone number and we ended up getting together and catching up that same day. Towards the end of the day on our way back to her house, she asked me why we had stopped hanging out. At first I had said I didn't know, but after a few minutes of inner debate, I told her that at the time I had grown to love her. She was completely blindsided by this news and asked me why I hadn't said anything back then. I replied that at times I thought she might have felt the same way, but other times she didn't seem receptive. She told me I should have said something back then.

A few days later was Valentine’s Day and I had recently broken things off with my gf. I spent the day with Jane and we had a wonderful time. On the way back to her place I asked her directly if she were at all interested in me. She understood why I was asking considering what had happened in the past and told me that she did not want a relationship with anyone at that point in her life. She also dropped the classic "don't want to lose you as a friend" line. She said that if anything changed, she would let me know. I was fine with this seeing as how I had already moved on with my life. To be completely honest it was refreshing to hear a straight forward answer after going through 6 months of lies from my ex.

We quickly fell back into being close friends. We would go to the movies, visit museums, or just hang out and talk. I had my best female friend back in my life and I was happy! (Or so I thought)

Three weeks ago she came over to my place and we headed out to the pool hall. We were there for about an hour when we decided to go outside for a cigarette. Jane decided to say hello to a guy walking into the bar and he stopped to chat with her. They spoke for about fifteen minutes. She kept prodding me to join in the conversation, but I was battling an inexplicable feeling of jealousy. By what right did I have a right to be jealous? We were, after all, supposed to be friends. I told her it was her conversation and to have a good time. We went back in and the other guy offered to buy her a drink. I went back to playing pool, while they sat at the bar, all the while stealing glances over their direction. After about another hour they decided to smoke again and Jane asked me to come along. I could tell that she was into this guy by the smile on her face as she talked to him, and I kept telling myself I had no right to get in the way. She could tell that I was upset and kept asking me what was wrong. I decided to lie and tell her I wasn't feeling good. She said that we could leave if I wanted to, but I insisted that she enjoyed herself. She told the guy that she was going to go ahead and head out, and they went inside to pay his tab. I followed them inside and packed up the pool table. I got caught up talking to a friend of mine about some stupid crap, and they walked back outside. After about five minutes I finished talking with my friend and paid our tab. When I walked outside my heart was shattered by the sight of them making out against my car. I walked to my car without being noticed by either of them. Upon opening the car door Jane pulled away from him, red in the face, and said "oh, I didn't see you come out". As I got in the car and was closing the door I replied "what the **** ever". She said "your attitude is really pissing me off", and walked over to his truck. I pulled out my phone and texted her asking if I was taking her home. She asked me to give her 10 minutes to finish talking to him. After 20 minutes I started the car and moved down to his truck, trying to urge her to hurry up. I was about to just leave her there when she finally decided to say goodbye and got in my car. She started talking about how much she and the guy had in common while I remained silent. Then she said something to the effect of "do you know what it is like to meet someone awesome?" I answered back "do you know what it is like to walk out and realize you're in love with the woman you've known for years who is making out with another man?" This started a heated discussion. She said she didn't know I felt that way again, to which I told her I didn't either until that very night. She sarcastically said I guess I won’t talk to anyone but you. This started a full on argument. I told her I was not trying to say that she couldn't talk to other people, that I wanted her to see where thing went with the guy, just that I couldn't be there through it. She asked if that meant we were not going to be friends. I told her I didn’t want to lose her friendship again, but reiterated the fact that I could not be around all the time while she was sleeping with other guys. To cut it short, our friendship was left in a state of limbo that night after dropping her off, neither of us knowing where to go from there. We agreed to not talk for a few days to so that we could clear our heads.

After 5 days we started talking again. She asked if we were still going to be friends. I told her that I did not want to abandon our friendship and asked her if she did. She didn't either, and that she regretted talking to him. She told me that he had tried texting her a few times but she ignored him, and even if I insisted that it was fine she still wouldn't talk to him since she didn't want a relationship with anyone for a long time. She said that ultimately it was my decision what to do. I told her that although I could keep my feelings suppressed, they would probably never go away. I told her she was the best friend that I had ever had, and I didn't want to lose that. We have gotten together just about every day since then to do something or other.

Here is where we get to the current problem (finally!). For the last week and a half she has been begging me to let her style my hair. I finally agreed to let her do so Saturday and she came over that evening. While styling my hair our usually friendly joking started getting flirty. While waiting for some hair gel to set, we stepped outside for a bit. The neighbors had some slow music playing and she asked me to dance with her. I took her hand in mine, she pressed her body against me, and we danced in the moonlit street. After five minutes of dancing we went back inside. By the time she was done with my hair it was pretty late. She jokingly said she should just crash at my place for the night. I told her that would be fine, but she said it probably wasn't a good idea.

Monday we went fishing. There was no hint of the spark of romance I had felt Saturday night. In fact, she was quite moody (she confessed she was pmsing and apologized for her attitude). After fishing, we stopped at Game Stop to trade in a game. She started playing a demo game for well over 30 minutes. We were talking back and forth, her still being quite snarky, and I was starting to get a bit annoyed from her attitude. It must have come out in my tone, because she looked at me and said "You’re so cute when you’re pissy, I love you". I didn't respond and she got angry that I did not say anything back. I told her she knew how I felt about her, and she decided she was ready to leave, so I took her home.

Yesterday, I gave her a ride out to her father's house an hour away for her to visit for a few days. She wanted me to stay there with her last night, but I didn't think her father would have appreciated me staying there so I declined. Monday's "I love you" fiasco was still fresh on my mind. Before I left, I brought the subject up. I asked her if she knew that I cared about her. She said that she knew that. I told her that I was sorry for not saying anything in return to her then but that I knew that she was saying those words on a friend level. I asked her if she could see how my saying that back could complicate our current friendship dynamic. (As a side note, when she is nervous, upset, or in pain, Jane will pull her knees up to her chin and sit with her arms wrapped around them like a ball.) She assumed her distress sitting position, and said that she was sorry. I asked what she was sorry about and she said for saying those words. I told her she had nothing to apologize for and that I was just trying to explain why i didn't say those words back seeing as how she had gotten mad. She said that she had not got mad. At this point it dawned on me she was in her distress position and I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing was wrong, and I asked why she was sitting like that then, she said she was trying to keep the mosquitoes off her. I then told her,” I do love you, Jane, quite a bit more than I should." She wiped her eyes, but I acted as though I did not see. We sat on her father's front porch for a few more minutes in silence, then said goodbye to each other and I left.

Now that I have had time to reflect, I can’t help but feel that I have made a grave mistake. According to our original agreement, and her repeated insistence that she does not want a relationship, we are supposed to be staying within the bounds of "just friends", but I fear that she has changed her mind without telling me. If that is the case, I'm afraid that I did some heavy damage last night.

What do you think, because thinking myself has left me confused. And more importantly, how can I fix this?