Not Interested or Socially Inept?

[elizabeth412]

I have been platonic friends with this guy ("J") for roughly a couple of years, but it seems as though we are both trying to make the transition into something more but we're having trouble. In recent months, I was invited to watch two NBA playoff games with him and his brother. After the first game I left after giving him a hug. (Yes, he was pretty attentive and flirtatious all evening but I didn't feel comfortable even kissing him; I guess I freaked a bit and ran away, quite frankly.) After the second game I was feeling more comfortable and at least wanted to kiss him. However, after the game was over, he quickly turned off the remote and said he was going to bed. He handed me my purse. Trying to hide my surprise and hurt, I said I was tired, also. On my way out, though, he invited me back to watch another game with his brother -- this time with wine. Very confusing... I accepted the invitation, but things fell through, and the invitation was reneged, so to speak. Since then, I have been somewhat distant, yet he has been more attentive and often suggests we should go to Las Vegas! Interesting how he feels comfortable proposing something that involved but can't ask me to one dinner!!!

The story is much more involved than I have revealed here, but those are the basics. I really don't know how to handle him and never told him how I felt as a protective device. I think we may be similar in that way. I think it's odd that he can't seem to be alone with me (without his brother, for example), yet I do think it's significant that he wanted me to spend time with both of them watching a sports event - very unusual for guys to include women in that scenario. something always comes up to get in the way of our doing something together alone, like his standing me up one time. Believe it or not, that has never been discussed between us. I was helping him sell NBA tickets at the time, and it was awkward. Neither of us brought it up, and now it's moot.

Any advice or clues to this mystery??? Please help.

[HeartIsAching]

I think you're both socially inept.

First off, guys that hang around and be "platonic friends" with a woman when they're unattached are taking that as 'what they can get' and hoping something better will happen... mostly because they're too sissy to actually ask her out.

Second, in his book he tried. He was flirty and attentive all evening and then you didn't want to kiss, so to him it set the definition of your relationship firmly in the "isn't going to happen" category. Him having his brother there was a sissy move too. He did that so he could play it off as "just friends" if it didn't work.

The 2nd time when he went to bed abruptly was because he thought he could handle it as "just friends" and discovered he couldn't.

You need to have an honest conversation with him and quit beating around the bush if you want this to go somewhere with him.

[haxan]

No fire and passion = stop trying to force more and just be friendly acquaintances.

[elizabeth412]

Yes, I agree that he has been a bit of a sissy with me at times, much to my surprise, because he outwardly appears as though he is quite popular with the ladies. (He's gregarious, very good looking, etc.) However, he may be used to a different type of woman than I. He has thrown the ball into my court a couple of times. For example, he asked me in a P.S. in an email if I wanted to meet him at a particular place the following night and wanted me to call him if I was interested. (Why didn't he just call me???) I called him the next day, and we planned to meet. He never showed. (That's the instance I referenced above as being stood up.) My guard has been up with him for this and other reasons, but I believe I am still approachable, as far as he's concerned; otherwise, the frequent references to our going to Las Vegas wouldn't be mentioned.

I don't feel comfortable having a "talk" with him, partly because I am terribly intimidated by him and have dealt with so many mixed signals from him (which trigger my mixed signals) and partly because I spotted him with a woman the other night. I tried to make sure he didn't see me and left relatively soon after I spotted them. This was the first time ever I had seen him with a woman. Not to be catty, but she was a bleached blond, very buxom and flaunting it; she radiated cheapness and little to no class. She was my polar opposite! I know nothing about their situation (how long, how "deep"), but the fact that she was there with him is enough to make me stay in the wings.

As far as the comment about no fire and passion, I do think that both of those exist between us. We just haven't ignited yet!

[elizabeth412]

How should I handle this situation, given that I saw him with another woman, the next time we run into each other, especially if he is flirtatious and open and suggesting we go to Vegas again??? I know I don't have a claim on him and am limited by what I can say or allude, but in a way, I would like him to know I saw what I saw.

[smackie9]

He is the type that just looks for sex, but expects it to come easy to him...hence the cheap ass blonde he was out with....I'm sure they had their bedtime romp. He was trying to work you into it but you didn't reciprocate so he tried to push you by saying he was tired, and that didn't work because you just headed for the door, so he throws something else out there for you by offering to watch another game and wine....hoping the wine might loosen you up with. It comes down to this....he doesn't ask you out for dinner because a relationship is not what he is asking you for. BTW when a guy stands you up, that usually means he had a better option for the night.....probably a more for sure thing.


Just forget about this guy. If it doesn't feel right it's because it's not.

[elizabeth412]

When you mentioned that he tried to "push" me by saying he was tired, you think he was just saying that so I would make a move on him? That thought crossed my mind earlier...

Yes, it's been odd that he doesn't ask me anywhere for a real date but asks me to Las Vegas!!! The thing that gets me about that is that is quite a bit of effort and expense and time if you are not interested in someone. If he just wanted me in the sack, couldn't he try harder on a more local scale???!!!

[smackie9]

You were available so he asked you over, how was that making quite a bit of effort?....his brother is there too. I knew guys like him growing up....they invite you over and see if you will bite.

[smackie9]

Dear the Las Vegas thing was a bunch of BS.....the invite wouldn't have panned out, just like the meet up you were supposed to have.

[elizabeth412]

I know the Las Vegas "invitation" was baloney;that's why I didn't really react to it and took it with a grain of salt each time he mentioned it. I don't come across as easy or naive to him or any other guy,and he's not getting anything from me. I don't know what the purpose is of this charade with him.

[smackie9]

He is just throwing it out there to see if anything sticks.