Well, its been 5 days since she's been walking around in my school, going to classes (With me in two of them). And I still havn't yet said anything.. She no longer says 'hi' to me in the halls anymore.. She did say 'hi brandon' twice however when we were the only two in the hallway without a bunch of people walking by.
Since this has been on my mind forever.. I have noticed a thing or two: It isn't her that I am expecting an answer from. It isn't the time she needs to think about what the realization of the truth is. Because it's been 5 days, and if anything happened between her knowing who I was and those letters, I've not only been afraid to talk to her, but afraid of her now.
Afriad to talk to her, and since I don't talk to her... I hate myself in return for that. What is the result of hating myself? Putting myself into a depression every minute of everyday. Meanwhile, she's "thinking" about something (Who knows what), and if she's looking at me, then going back to what was said in those letters.. She see's a broken, sad, depressed individual, why would she like that in a person?
I am so terrified of her.. Just because I cannot stand the fact when she see's me.. It isn't in the same way as it always was. Now when I see her, I see the eyes of the person I wish to beable to be great friends with, but the sting I get from her eyes that say "She knows you are you, you can't hide that anymore" is just so painful.
In the past 2-3 years, I have really only had 3-4 friends (Real friends, that come over and do that kinda stuff). I never talked much in high-school (not by my choice, I'd have much rather made a stand for myself instead of being quiet all of the time, so no one could judge me on what kind of person I am).
I still was very anti-social, I still was alone. Putting that into consideration for this situation.. KT cannot compare me with any past experiences, or base the kind of person I am by just letters. I have no personality, and that's what she would be looking for when considering wether I am "Worth the time, and effort".. I wish I was more of a person to have something for her to actually 'like'. Which throws me into this dillemma.. Knowing what I know now.. Knowing what I am missing.. I cannot fill these gaps that haunt the inside of me, so KT cannot judge me if there is nothing to judge.
Everything is hitting me so hard.. Knowing what I needed to fix in the past to make things right now.. It's just too hard... and my so called 'dream' will never become a reality. The only way it would become a reality is by out of sympathy for a 'nice' person like myself - I guess I could say that with the letter(or whatever) to go without an answer to those letters, so she'd just base it off that, or out of friendship to Xavier--Cuz she's friends with him, and I'm his friend... therefore.. meh. I continue to come back to that, because since I barley talk to any human beings on this earth.. Taking to anyone is something I treasure, wether it be a friend, a girl (Which is one and a million), and the girl I really like.. which is beyond any figures... So as soon as I am confronted, I always wish I had more to say in a conversation to carry on the discussion longer.. but I cannot do that.. and I have no humor, or a character to base myself on.. why would she even consider me? It hurts... Yet.. I do nothing to ease the pain..
I need to do something, I want to tell her. I have been feeling really bad the last few days (With her next to me last period).. and every second that passes in which she nore I say anything.. it hurts more and more.. but since this weekend.. I haven't felt much pain.. I hope I do something before there is no pain....!!