My partner likes to wind me up

[littlebee]

Hi there, looking for some adivce. I've been with my partner for just over 3 years. He has a really annoying habit of winding me up on various things. Some examples are:

1. I say that my female friend and boyfriend have invited us round for a BBQ - he comes back with "Was it Russell who invited you - you fancy him don't you"

2. I am checking my emails on my phone and he comes out with "Are you texting your boyfriend again and arranging to see him"

3. I decide to go around to see my female friend and he makes a joke that I am really going round to see her boyfriend.

I get really annoyed about this and tend to bite back - he says he's only joking and winding me and that I can't take a joke, but I don't find it funny at all.

I try to shrug it off but it's really bugging me now and I don't know what to do. Should I laugh it off and go with it or something else?

[michelle23]

Has he always been like this? Or is this a new thing?

If its new. Ask him does he fancy someone else? Or has he cheated on you?

When people are paranoid or jealous for no reason it can be there way of passing their guilt onto you. So look him in the eye and ask him has he done something.

If nothing else, it will shut him up if he hasn't. If he gets angry or defensive then you have your answer. Hes a cheat and he doesnt trust you because he doesnt trust himself

[littlebee]

He likes to have a laugh and a joke and says he can't help it - it's just him but I am getting a bit fed up of it to be honest. I don't find it funny at all. I am pretty sure he's not cheated on me. Our relationship isn't completely wonderful and he says he does it to try and make me laugh, but it driving me away as I find it rude and offensive. He tells me I need to lighten up a bit, so wondering if I am being stupid

[littlebee]

Also, I have a close female friend who I see regularly and every time it gets to the weekend, he assumes I am going to go and see her. Or he'll joke when I am texting by saying something like " You missing your buddy Sharon!" And then when I do go and see her, he'll be really sarcastic and come out with things like "You go and see Sharon and have a great time" (said in a sarcastic voice). He doesn't have many close male friends and I have lots of female ones - I feel guilty about going out with them/to see them and he doesn't do anything with his mates at all.

[michelle23]

He is trying to make you feel bad for having a life outside your relationship. You need to stand up for yourself. His possessiveness and not wanting to share you with your friends is not healthy. You need to make it clear to him that if he cannot keep his hurtful comments to himself in future, you will break up with him

And dont make it an idle threat. You have to stick with your word. If it doesn't stop-you leave him.

Perhaps a few sessions of couples counselling will help you both to respect each others free time and ensure communication between you flows a lot healthier.

[VerticalMoon]

Yeah, he's not just joking. There would be no point in making a joke if he knows you're going to be hurt and offended by it. He's jealous of your friendships, and this is his way of expressing it. The thing that I find most problematic is that you've told him how much it bothers you, and he won't own up to it. One of the signs of verbal abuse is actually when somebody tries to convince you that they're just joking when they're really attempting to hurt you. You may want to do an internet search to look up other signs of a verbally abusive relationship. The problem here is with him and not with you.

[4 ratties]

He sounds insecure and/or jealous .. I would talk to him about it and tell him it's really bothering you, and if he doesn't change there's not much u can do, but breakup with him if u can't deal with it

[basilandthyme]

Agree that he's insecure and jealous.

The question to you is; when he says these things, do you tell him that what he's saying isn't true? If so, you're rewarding the behaviour - and it will just keep happening.

I suggest you stop rewarding his behaviour. Start by ignoring his comment and walking away to a different room. If that doesn't work, you could try making his jokes backfire on him. "yes, well they are better company than you". Naturally, if he gets upset, just tell him you were playing the game along with him.

[littlebee]

I have started going along with the joking last night - I was texting my mum and he said "you texting your lover? Arranging to meet up?" I just said yes I am. He didn't say anything. I have done the whole walking away thing, and he comes out with "Oh for gods sake, I'm only joking".

[michelle23]

I don't think playing him at his own game will help. Honestly it sounds abusive to me. He makes you feel bad for talking to anyone other than him. Its not normal and he is basically saying he doesn't trust you.

This is who he is. You cannot change him. If he is upsetting you, you do need to end this relationship. Playing games will only make it worse.

[basilandthyme]

I have started going along with the joking last night - I was texting my mum and he said "you texting your lover? Arranging to meet up?" I just said yes I am. He didn't say anything. I have done the whole walking away thing, and he comes out with "Oh for gods sake, I'm only joking".

Good that he didn't reply to you. Keep it up and see if anything changes.

However, if nothing changes, I can only echo the suggestion to walk away.