Not so sure about the wedding anymore....

[SillyMe]

Hi, I'm an Asian descent, and my fiance is caucasian. We've been together for about 8 years, and he proposed just a few months ago. before the proposal, we did have a pretty rocky relationship. We have alot of different opinions on things . I like to be spontaneous, and pick up and go type of person. Whereas he is a very careful person. He'd weigh the pros and cons carefully before he does anything. He does have a lot of ego.
He proposed, and of course, I accepted because i do love him. But I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake by accepting the proposal.

Since the proposal, he's been on my case about moving in with him. I am pretty traditional, and I can't move in with the guy until we get married, and this has been talked about to no end. And he still disagrees with it but keeps asking.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable and selfish that I am not going to move in with him until the marriage, but I try not to let that get me down.

I stand my ground, because I would like him to respect certain things about me being Asian. And there are certain cultures, believes that caucasions just don't get.

Fast forward, we have had a number of fights and our wedding is just a month away. I play the role of someone trying to keep things in check so we don't forget anything, I reminded him to get marriage licence. He freaks out telling me that I was being forceful (and I don't recall the conversation being hostile). I made fun of him, sure, because he's notorious for doing things last minute. The problem is, he doesn't like to be told what to do, and without even considering why people pester him, he turns things around and come up with excuses of why he has other priorities that need to be attended to before the marriage license.

And then the talk about dowry - you can look up Chinese dowry on google.

He is furious that he has to pay dowry when he takes my hands. He thinks it is a stupid tradition that needs to be banned. He doesn't believe in following the culture or the tradition. Is this act of disrespect?
His argument, which is totally valid, is we have to use our money for down payments and surviving and for starting a family. Giving money away is stupid.
How do I explain in a way that he can understand? Or am I being unreasonable for going through with the dowry? We're not talking about a huge sum of 10k. We're talking about a couple of grants - and this is with my parents understanding that it's for gesture, and don't mean to break the bank.
I mean, my sister got married 10 years ago, and he didn't argue. And he had less interactions non -caucasions.

My fiance however, has had many friends who are of Asian descent.

He comes over to my house, and barely says a word to my parents, ie "Hi, how are you". He doesn't believe that's a genuine behaviour.

I'm at a lost.
Did I make a mistake? Or do I need to clear my head and figure this out and hope for the best?

[michelle23]

the only mistake your making is not living together before your married. the first year living together is the hardest and its make or break. you have no idea how good you are together or how strong a team you make until you live together...

as gfor your complaints about him-none are deal breakers. ask him to make more effort with your family. other than that-he sounds like a great guy

[Empty Road]

the only mistake your making is not living together before your married.

However it's a really big taboo in Asian culture to move in before marriage. Being that her family is traditional, they would not approve of such a move. So I don't think that is a valid option and she is also adamant against the idea.

OP, I think you need to think long and hard about the wedding. In my opinion, getting marry shouldn't be riddle with doubts. It should be a happy moment for the both of you. It sounds more like you two are trying to drag each other to the altar kicking and screaming. Good luck with your decision.

[madelinel]

It is common to get cold feet before the actual wedding. Cultural difference is one of the most common problems for couples for you and your fiance. If it bothers you so much, you should talk it over with him and don't hold it inside you. Communication is very important for a relationship to work and last. There might be small arguments here and there. But if you let all the small issues go unresolved, one day it will come back and haunt you. Let him understand how you feel about all the things you mentioned above. It is not good to enter a marriage with so much doubts in your head. good luck! Wish you all the best!

[SillyMe]

Thank you everyone.
We've talked about the issues mentioned, and he's actually more understanding than I gave him credit for.
I addressed the issues and he listened carefully and we both reached decisions together. I just have to be patient with him sometimes.

He is a fabulous guy and he's been very involved with the wedding planning. He doesn't want me to stress out, so he actually has taken over a lot of the planning.

[michelle23]

Just understand marriage is not a walk in the park. You will hit many more difficult times so be preparedfor it and be prepared to work through it together

good luck and enjoy the wedding