is she confused?

[jerryh]

Well, its been 5 and a half weeks today since my gf of 5 years, my first love dumped me because she didnt feel the love anymore, was worried over my ambition to find a job and drive became bored and wanted to be single and felt bad for always nagging, didnt want to feel like an "old married couple". We met two days after and we were going to give it another shot, she kissed me, held my hand, told me she loved me and wished everyday could be like this, but she changed her mind, saying she couldnt do it, couldnt be expected for everything to go back to normal so fast, that its not enough, but wished everyday could be like that because she was so happy and in love. this was the day after we met. we have had contact but its been tense she has initiated maybe three times and me maybe 6. two mornings i woke up to missed calls from her where she was out drinking and she just would apologize. Last week she drunkenly called me ( not the first time since the breakup, didnt answer the two other nights) and i answered this time, she declared her love for me and that she never stopped loving me, expressed her delight at my new job and progress on driving, we were soul mates and how much she has missed me, her life was terrible without me and wanted to meet. she wanted to come over and for me to hold her while we slept but i rejected because she was too drunk. She took it back the next day saying she thinks she only misses me as a friend and just kept apologizing. We have been in no contact for a week now which coincided with her been on an all girls foreign holiday. I feel the girl is very confused. Its been a tough 5 weeks, periods of me begging and kept texting to where she wouldnt eventually contact me back at the start, to moments of NC, which she would break with random stuff. I feel a much stronger person and although foolishy i still have hope of a reconciliation, im trying to be a better person. shes a stubborn girl though and will only initiate contact sparingly, what should i do? i want her back but afraid its getting late, her friend said to just give her time and space and see if we miss each other, what do yee advise? does anyone else think she is confused?

[Wakeup]

Stop talking to her altogether so that you can get over wanting her back. She'd still be with you if she loved you but she left you because she said she doesn't. Why keep someone like that around talking to you when she's drunk and just lonely... drunken texts don't mean a thing except a washing over of some residual feelings or remorse and missing the comfort of the familiar. Strong kudos for not taking her up on her offer due to a moment of loneliness.

Work on yourself so that the next woman you find yourself drawn to doesn't think she needs to nag the bageeeezus outta you in order to feel satisfied with you.

[jerryh]

ah she was right to nag me though, i was doing nothing going nowhere fast, now my life is turned around, she is very rash and has always said things she didnt mean could it be that her resentment for me being a bit of a waster made her lash out? she told me on the phone she is scared of getting back?

[Wakeup]

If she thought she loved you, she wouldn't be scared. Stop talking to her, jerry. Give yourself time to figure out if you really want her back or it's just you wanting the familiar back because it's easier. If she wan'ts you, really wants to reconcile then she'll let you know but this little crumb from her now and again and drunkey texts out of loneliness is only stagnating YOU from moving on. If she wants you, she'll let you know but don't wait around for her and don't enable her to keep the two of you in romantic limbo by entertaining her little attempts at keeping you attached (to nothing).

[jerryh]

She is very strong minded and hates admitting a mistake but i get you. ya your right i just feel if i do want her back no contact is usually used for most people but it cant be used for her at all. i know i have to try move on im just really struggling, is this normal, should i be moved on after 6 weeks?

[Wakeup]

there is no standard time to be totally over someone so don't worry about things like "should I be over her by now" You're going to take longer because you've been in contact with her and she keeps holding up carrots with her drunken texting and then telling you to basically get lost once she's sobered up for goodness sakes.

I'm not telling you to use no contact to get her back, I'm telling you to use no contact for the reason it was meant for which is to get over someone (should they come back in the meantime, then you can decide if you really still want them or you just want them because it's something that you thought you couldn't have).

You're struggling because you are still involved with her at this point. In time, with no contact and keeping busy and working on yourself and hanging with friends and concentrating on your own goals for a better you, you'll start to feel less and less dependent on having her in your life and you'll eventually get to the stage of indifference to her.

If you want to move on with complete closure then tell her not to contact you again unless she wants to reconcile, that you're not into her calling you while drunk or for tidbit talking, that she knows where you are if she's sure of what she wants and then stop all the communication unles it begins with "I want you back" or some such. Don't wait and hope.. just get on with your life without her in it.

Good luck, be strong.

[jerryh]

thank you i felt very weak for not have moving on after 6 weeks. i suppose ill just have to keep focusing on myself like you said and hope for the best. I suppose i just hasve to let go, use NC and be happy. see the thing is i had her told not to contact me and then she rang two days after, and since then nothing, even though she is prob out every night over in italy. thank you though, i suppose i just never saw it coming so thats why im being pathetic.

[michelle23]

5years is a long time. It could take a year or two to fully grieve the loss but you are doing a good job so far. You need to block her from your phone. No contact is the only way.

Focus on getting your life together- do it for you and tthe next girl-not for her. This is a new chapter. You have a world of possibilities and a lot of growing up to do. Go find yourself and who you are. Focus on your career. Set some goals and stick with them.

The best thing your ex ever did for you was break up with you. You never would have gotten your s**t together as long as she stayed and enable your lack of motivation

you two didnt work well together. If you did you would have sorted yourself out a long time ago for you and her and your future together. She couldnt have meant that much to you or else you would have been more motivated to provide for your future.

It was not unreasonable for her to break up with you. She gave you a lot of chances. However it is unreasonable for her to hold you on a string like a puppet and hop in and out of your life when it suits her. You need to tell her to go away and dont come back. She will play with your emotions as long as you let her. If its over, its over. That means no contact with her. You dont exist to each other anymore

if you bump into her by accident-say hello and keep walking

[Wakeup]

thank you i felt very weak for not have moving on after 6 weeks. i suppose ill just have to keep focusing on myself like you said and hope for the best. I suppose i just hasve to let go, use NC and be happy. see the thing is i had her told not to contact me and then she rang two days after, and since then nothing, even though she is prob out every night over in italy. thank you though, i suppose i just never saw it coming so thats why im being pathetic.

You'll be okay.. you're processing things like most people do. Thing is, after you tell her not to contact you, you have to ignore her if she does.. like I said, unless her email or text says something such as; "I've made a terrible mistake and want us to get back together" then there really is no reason for you to talk to her because if it says anything less then that, then answering her will just set you back in your healing or it will keep you stagnated from moving on.

[jerryh]

5years is a long time. It could take a year or two to fully grieve the loss but you are doing a good job so far. You need to block her from your phone. No contact is the only way.

Focus on getting your life together- do it for you and tthe next girl-not for her. This is a new chapter. You have a world of possibilities and a lot of growing up to do. Go find yourself and who you are. Focus on your career. Set some goals and stick with them.

The best thing your ex ever did for you was break up with you. You never would have gotten your s**t together as long as she stayed and enable your lack of motivation

you two didnt work well together. If you did you would have sorted yourself out a long time ago for you and her and your future together. She couldnt have meant that much to you or else you would have been more motivated to provide for your future.

It was not unreasonable for her to break up with you. She gave you a lot of chances. However it is unreasonable for her to hold you on a string like a puppet and hop in and out of your life when it suits her. You need to tell her to go away and dont come back. She will play with your emotions as long as you let her. If its over, its over. That means no contact with her. You dont exist to each other anymore

if you bump into her by accident-say hello and keep walking

Yes everyone seems to say it takes 50% of the time we had together to get over someone. Yup still on no contact now been over a week i get the feeling she wont contact me anyways. im making progress in every area of my life since the breakup, but i dont want any other girls, its her or no one for now. ah i grew complacent and im a lazy person, when i saw her leaving i had to act, i know its too late, she was the best for me and always encouraged me to help improve myself. i get the feeling she wont contact me anymore which is hurtful, rarely see the dumper iniate the no contact though. why would she? We will bump into each other next week in a nightclub, friends birthday which she admitted would be messy.

[jerryh]

You'll be okay.. you're processing things like most people do. Thing is, after you tell her not to contact you, you have to ignore her if she does.. like I said, unless her email or text says something such as; "I've made a terrible mistake and want us to get back together" then there really is no reason for you to talk to her because if it says anything less then that, then answering her will just set you back in your healing or it will keep you stagnated from moving on.

yup im waiting out il ladmit for a text saying that its all i want, id just want a new chance with the new me and if it doesnt work out then at least i know.

[madelinel]

I think you should just focus on improving yourself. she will see the new you, the confident you..from what I understand so far she is having doubts about the future for you two cos of your job and stuff. you should work to show her that you can provide a better future for her and you..All gals like confident men.. if you want to have a chance with her, you should just keep cool and never beg her to come back to you.. doing that will only hurt your chances.. try to meet new friends and focus on your work.. get your mind off this whole breakup thing.. I believe she is just going through some kind of phase right now.. a lot of couples have been there.. have faith..good luck!

[jerryh]

I think you should just focus on improving yourself. she will see the new you, the confident you..from what I understand so far she is having doubts about the future for you two cos of your job and stuff. you should work to show her that you can provide a better future for her and you..All gals like confident men.. if you want to have a chance with her, you should just keep cool and never beg her to come back to you.. doing that will only hurt your chances.. try to meet new friends and focus on your work.. get your mind off this whole breakup thing.. I believe she is just going through some kind of phase right now.. a lot of couples have been there.. have faith..good luck!

thanks for your repsonse, i believe she is too and maybe after her time time alone and space she might come back, along with my self improvements? im worried however her friends are anti relationships, i just want to show her how i have improved.

[michelle23]

Yes everyone seems to say it takes 50% of the time we had together to get over someone. Yup still on no contact now been over a week i get the feeling she wont contact me anyways. im making progress in every area of my life since the breakup, but i dont want any other girls, its her or no one for now. ah i grew complacent and im a lazy person, when i saw her leaving i had to act, i know its too late, she was the best for me and always encouraged me to help improve myself. i get the feeling she wont contact me anymore which is hurtful, rarely see the dumper iniate the no contact though. why would she? We will bump into each other next week in a nightclub, friends birthday which she admitted would be messy.

Get the 50% out of your head. It should take no less than 6 months and no more than two years to grieve any loss regardless of how long you were together. If it takes longer than 2 years-you need counselling. The first 6 months are the hardest. When my aunt died-those first 6 months are a blur I was so depressed. It can be similar after a breakup but it gets easier in time. You just have to be strong. Yes it is a good idea to stay away from other women for now. But if you and she are not back together within a month, you really do have to accept its over and stop hoping she will come back

[Wakeup]

Each inidividual grieves in their own time, jerry. There is NO set time or schedule,. Keep in mind that the more you do to help yourself get over it, the faster you will be at the stage of indifference to her or anything about her. It's when you wallow in your thoughts of her and when you refuse to accept that it's over that will ensure that it takes you longer.

thanks for your repsonse, i believe she is too and maybe after her time time alone and space she might come back, along with my self improvements? im worried however her friends are anti relationships, i just want to show her how i have improved.

jerry, this is the type of expectation and hope and non-acceptance that will make it so that you take longer to heal.