Is there anyway to get her back?

[SqueamishPuppet]

About a month ago my girlfriend of 3 years called it quits. She blames it on me not proposing so she slowly fell out of love with me. We were 20 when we started dating and she was my first real girlfriend. We lived together for pretty much all of the 3 years. I knew her previously for 2 years but didnt talk much. We had a very stable relationship for all of it. There were some rocky parts but we never separated and our fights didnt last much more than a day or two. Most were solved within a few hours.

She wants to be friends because we still get along great. We have so much fun together and she makes me feel incredible. The hard thing is I dont want to be just friends with her because Im still in love with her and dont feel if she is around that will fade at all. Im into modifying cars and stuff and I felt like I wouldnt be able to do that once we got married because I wanted to focus on her and starting a family once we got married. I spent a lot of money on car parts and she thought if I loved her I would have spent the money on her. Dont get me wrong I did spend money on her just not as much as somethings cost.

Since we broke up I realized I messed up. I see now that I care about her more than anything in this world and its hard because she doesnt feel the same way anymore. She pressured me for two years about getting married and it just never felt right. I didnt want to be pressured. In the months before our break up I honestly felt ready to be married. I no longer felt pressured and felt like it was my decision. We were having more serious talks about things and we actually got a joint account so we could pay for all the wedding stuff together and not have to hassle with splitting things. I felt like it was a huge step and I was so happy about it. She was waiting for a few checks to clear before combining money. Right before she was going to she called it quits and it destroyed me.

The break up made me realize how much I truly did care about her. I always thought she was gorgeous and everything I ever wanted but I didnt express it like I should. Being my first relationship and her not really showing me thats what she wanted I see I messed up. We still live together since she has no place to go and cant afford the place on her own. Its so hard to see her everyday. She lights up the room when she walks in and makes me the happiest man in the world. I have expressed that now to her and want her to know I can be like that. I feel she is dragging me along because when she sees me sad it breaks her heart and she doesnt want to see me that way so she opens up and tells me exactly what I want to hear. She says thing like "I still think about us", "Im not over you", and she just acts like nothing is wrong but she cant be with me because she feels I would never marry her. Which isnt true I will or I would have but now I feel like I need to know she wants it too. She feels so guilty for hurting me that she actually want to get back together to make me happy because she still cares. I dont want her to force herself to be with me if she doesnt want it. She was recently talking to a guy on the phone and I over heard her flirting with him. It really hurt me and I over reacted and assumed thing and took it out on her calling her things I didnt mean. I feel so bad hurting somone I love so much.

So I ask. What do I do? I feel I will never get over her if she is around, even as a friend. I want to give her the time apart to think about things but with her around I keep trying to fix things. Its too hard not to. Im trying so hard to get her back and felt it was going well but then her talking to another guy hurt me and made me feel like she doesnt care that Im trying.

[horndog]

If you want her back it sounds like you need to propose to her. I don't think its too late. But only do it if you really ARE going to marry her and don't set some date way down the road. Do it within 2 years. There is no doubt you are young and its always best to wait a bit, however lots of people marry young and make it work.

The whole call with another guy to me sounds like a set up to make you squirm, but I could be wrong.

I could be completely wrong on everything but you never know unless you take a chance. Good luck

[SqueamishPuppet]

I just dont feel proposing to her would change how she feels. She says she loves me but isnt "In love" with me anymore. I know we could work through anything if we try though. I just need her to be willing. She says she doesnt even like the guy she just talked to him to not be rude. but from what I heard of the conversation it was VERY flirty and was over an hour.

[4 ratties]

She may be using the no proposal thing as a way out .. Her talking to another guy already when u guys still live together and are talking, shows she's not in it anymore. You can wait around a see if her feelings will come back or you can take charge of your life and move on.. I'm sure once u guys don't live together she may come crawling back. She'll realize what she lost. But for now she has her cake and eats it too. She has you there to give her attention and company and she's also single so she's free to talk to whoever she wants.

[SqueamishPuppet]

That's pretty much exactly how I feel. She knows she has me on a leash but can be single. I want to move on so bad but I just keep thinking of all the things she said during our relationship about our future and being together forever. I honestly think if she moves out she will come crawling back but I can't keep hoping that. She has to stay with me for a few months until her friend can take her into their home. I guess I just need to wait for that and not try and make things worse in the mean time.

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[basilandthyme]

SP, don't be too hard on yourself. You're talking about having messed up, but I really can't see where you went wrong.

While I realise that you were together for three years, 23 really is very young to be married. It's great to make plans together and to have some sort of a timeline, but the whole expectation of giving up your hobby so you could focus on her and a family is a bit extreme.

Even when you're married, it's good to continue with your hobby. Sure, you don't spend money on it if it means your family goes without...but keeping your own passion is very important. Even while you're dating (and especially at your age), it's OK to spend lots of money on the hobby. And frankly, she sounds very selfish to want you to spend more money on her.

I'm sorry that I'm not being very eloquent this morning.....but I think you've dodged a bullet.

[michelle23]

I dont think you did anything wrong. She was wrong to pressure you and well done for putting your foot down and telling her your not ready. Marriage is a BIG committment. You havr to be sure and it has to be entered into of your own free will.

Plus y should you spend all your money on her. Theres nothing wrong with having a hobby your passionate about. It keeps you busy and out of trouble. You could be doing a lot worse.

Stop feeling guilty.

If you want any chance of winning her back-then you need to do the exact opposite of what your doing now. Move out for a start, then cut contact with her, ignore her, be distant, aloof and go on a few dates. Wait for her to come running. When she does-tell her she is the one who ended it-whats the point giving her another chance to hurt you again? Let her beg before you give her a second chance and go slow. Date her, dont move back in for awhile

if you keep trying to get her back - you will push her away. Welcome her back with open arms without making her suffer a little- she will dump you again within 2 months..

[SqueamishPuppet]

Thanks this is all great advice. I know I can't keep living with her because she keeps fooling with my emotions. Tonight she was talking to that guy again on the phone. I just left the house because I was so angry again I didn't want to do anything I didn't mean because I was mad. I just stayed out late and about two hours after I left she noticed I was gone and she was calling like crazy. I tried to just ignore her but about six calls later I answered. Just because she wanted to know I was alive. she was asking who I was with and where I was. I just told her it didn't matter just like the guy she is talking to. This morning she was in her room with the door closed. I opened the door and she was putting on some sexy panties. I didn't think much of it because she wears them and stuff but then later the door was closed again and I heard her camera phone snapping photos. I went to see but the door was locked this time. I feel she was sending a picture to this guy. She of course denies it but won't prove me wrong. Same when I asked who she was talking to. Through Facebook I have my suspicions of who it is and she denies it also but again won't prove me wrong. when I got home I told her I need to move out to get though this and she got all sad. I told her she got early what she wanted. She says it's not what she wanted. She was trying to tell me what I wanted to hear again but I'm not buying it anymore. There are a few problems like my hobbies and my parents that she had a problem with that I don't feel will ever change. So I do need to move on! Thanks for the empowerment. I also talked to some family that helped me confirm my decision.

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[basilandthyme]

Good for you. Don't let her talk you into letting her stay.

I know it hurts right now, but it will get better....and you'll re-enter the dating scene so much wiser about what to look for in a girl.

[Ginger2013]

I'll just chime in and agree, it seems there may be more than just the proposal that turned her off your relationship. If it were only that, all it would take is you popping the question right? It's important to have your own interests and passions, and have someone support those, well, as long as they don't become obsessions that hinder the relationship. It really sucks that you have to still live together, my first advice would be separate asap if at all possible. She broke up with you, let her find somewhere else to live. You need to grieve this and move on I think, and her being there must be like emotional torture for you.

[SqueamishPuppet]

Yea defiantly emotional torture. I'm over it. She has everything I want in a person but can't compromise on things that are important to me. I just need to find someone who will.

It sucks though because I'm a pretty average looking guy. Tall but a little on the heavy side and she is very pretty. I feel more confident with myself being with her and what she has taught me about myself too. I also live in a town that is about 120k people. Most of the girls my age move to the two major college towns in the state. So my pickings are kinda slim but I also haven't looked in a long time.

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[TablesandChairs]

She's taking you for a fool; she wanted you to propose too early into the relationship and once you agreed to marriage, she backed off. Maybe she wasn't serious about it and just wanted to see whether you would or not. Now she wants to fool around with whoever while you beg and plead. Don't do that.

Start going out more often; on dates or with friends. Start going to the gym if your weight is an issue. Try to limit your interactions with her until she leaves. Keep it civil but distant. Also, set boundaries; don't go in her home and try get a TV for your bedroom so you don't have to be in the same living area together. Take steps to show her that you're backing off. She'll probably become keener if you do that but don't let it fool you, keep doing your own thing.

IF she comes to you saying she made a mistake and wants to resume, okay - then you have a choice.

[michelle23]

Yea defiantly emotional torture. I'm over it. She has everything I want in a person but can't compromise on things that are important to me. I just need to find someone who will.

It sucks though because I'm a pretty average looking guy. Tall but a little on the heavy side and she is very pretty. I feel more confident with myself being with her and what she has taught me about myself too. I also live in a town that is about 120k people. Most of the girls my age move to the two major college towns in the state. So my pickings are kinda slim but I also haven't looked in a long time.

Don't be silly. Looks are not important to most girls. A great personality goes a lot further than a 6 pack. Men are far more obsessed with looks than women are.. Your confidence should come from within you-not her so work on boosting your self esteem now, learn to be happy and independent on your own before you move on and meet someone else. There are lots of great women out there and you will find one just make sure you are over her first to avoid rebounding and hurting people

Good luck to you and well done for having the strength and courage to leave.

[SqueamishPuppet]

Ok. I meant self esteem is higher since being with her. Not just when I'm with her. I still have some stuff I need to work on. Like when I see a girl I like I get kinda attached and would be disappointed if she turned me down but I just need to find another and not be bothered. In homeschool and the few years out I never dated because I was afraid of rejection. But I have grown a lot since and just need to get back out there. Which is also hard because I work a night shift and have days off on the middle of the week. There is still places I can meet girls during the day though

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[michelle23]

That should be your first aim hun. Get a day job and start working out. Change is good. Make some goals now and stick to them. Just focus on you and healing. When you are ready to meet someone you will know it