How can I help my girlfriend with her trust issues?

[trustissuenoob]

Hi all, this is a long one, but I'd really appreciate any insights you have.

My girlfriend and I have been dating about a year or so. She has been in many long-term relationships before this one, I have not been in very many (she's 25, I'm 24). There have been 3 instances, two of them recently, in which her trust issues/insecurities from past relationships were triggered. She has had one boyfriend cheat on her, and the last one basically lied to her the entire time they were together. I should note that she was at first wary of a relationship with me because she had gotten out of the last one (4 years) about 6 months before we started hanging out and dating. She did tell me about her trust issues/insecurities going into the relationship and we talked about them more after the first of the 3 incidents.

1st incident happened last November. We went back to my college town to visit my friends, some of whom are women. Everyone was drinking, one of my platonic female friends who I hadn't seen in awhile was going to leave early, another one of my female friends jumped on the one who was leaving's leg and told me to get on to her other leg. I did, not even thinking that it would make my GF jealous. My GF was watching and stormed out afterwards. We almost broke up that night, and she said I had lost a lot of trust with her. I didn't want to end the relationship so I started trying to be more vigilant about boundaries. We talked about boundaries after that, something that we hadn't done before, and I have tried to be very conscious about physical things that would make her uncomfortable.

2nd incident happened the day of our anniversary (this was especially bad). We went on a hike, which we do a lot, and somehow got to talking about religion. I mentioned that one of my previous GF's was a Baptist, and she started asking questions about her. I replied truthfully as it's my policy to be completely honest, and one answer where she questioned as to whether or not I had gone to see this girl when the girl had asked me to come over (the girl had just gotten out of boot camp and wanted me to have sex with her) and I told her I did go see her, but we didn't have sex. We were able to work it out eventually and agreed that we wouldn't talk about past relationships anymore (she brings up her last ex a lot and that irks me. she hasn't done it much since though).

Last incident happened just a few hours ago, again with a platonic female friend from college (different college and friend group than the first incident). We were out at a bar signing karaoke, which the platonic friend and I have done before. The friend and I sang two songs together, Livin' On a Prayer and The Bad Touch (Discovery Channel). The second song is pretty sexual in nature, but since I've been such good friends with my platonic friend for a long time (she is like a sister to me) I didn't think much of it, though I had an intuition that my GF would be uncomfortable about it, but I didn't ask her about it. I regret not listening to myself. We dropped my platonic friend and her boyfriend at their apartment after we were done, and then my GF exploded, saying that she was very uncomfortable that I had done that, that she didn't want me touching her, etc. It was a very long car ride home, during which I stayed pretty silent while she pretty much made me feel like shit for singing the songs.

After we got home we did talk a little bit, but she is still angry with me. How can I help her work through these issues? I'm worried that I will do something without realizing it and trigger her again. I want to school myself to be more aware of how she is feeling, but since I've been friends with these other women for so long it's very natural for me to do stuff I did with them before I was in a relationship, and I forget to ask myself how my GF is feeling about it. To me it's just a female friend who I have no sexual interest in. I'm worried I may have to give up my female friends, and I don't want to do that. I really do love my GF a lot, and I'm disappointed that I didn't listen to that voice in my head that told me not to sing the songs tonight...would appreciate any and all advice.

[basilandthyme]

Trustissue, I have to ask: do you really want a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting your girlfriend?

Thing is, you CAN'T help her work through her trust issues - it's something she must do herself (with counselling if need be). Or she needs to find a man who has zero female friends. I have this funny feeling that this problem will be a recurring issue for the two of you.

Please think twice about how compatible the two of you are in terms of our individual outlooks.

[trustissuenoob]

I guess it hasn't really come up very much except these three times. I haven't felt like it's been a burden up until now, and I don't really consider it "walking on eggshells", it's just more of thinking about whether it would violate a boundary. I guess what I mean is that 99% of the time we are fine, then something like this happens.

One thing she did say is that she expects me to think about how I'm making her feel by my actions, which in the first two cases I didn't think about it, but the third time I did and ignored myself. She is very conscious of how she makes me feel and thinks a lot about her actions and works actively to avoid situations that would make me feel jealous, etc. so she expects the same from me. I understand that, but the problem is that I don't know everything that will trigger her...

We are very compatible in pretty much every way, but I'll definitely mull over your suggestions. Thanks!

[michelle23]

I personally dont believe in close male/female friendships. I think men and women can be friends as long as there are boundaries.

1/. Not spending time alone together
2/. Not confiding in each other about relationship problems
3/. Not texting each other late at night (FB, email etc)
4/. No flirting or sexual vibes.
5/. No cuddling, kissing, hand holding etc.

Most of it is common sense. I have never had to spell any of that out to my bf lol.. Basically not doing anything that resembles dating.

It sounds like you only see these friends occasionally, you invite your girl with you and you include her in everything. It shouldn't be an issue and it shouldn't cause trust issues. Ask your girl to get some counselling. It will only get worse otherwise.

She cannot blame you for things her ex did. That is not fair on you. You need to put your foot down and tell her you haven't done anything to hurt her and it is unfair to take her insecurities out on you

[trustissuenoob]

I personally dont believe in close male/female friendships. I think men and women can be friends as long as there are boundaries.

Not sure if you mean do or don't believe? I definitely had boundaries before with my female friends, but they are a little stricter now to accommodate my GF's issues. I'll still hug female friends, but definitely no sexual overtones at all.

1/. Not spending time alone together
2/. Not confiding in each other about relationship problems
3/. Not texting each other late at night (FB, email etc)
4/. No flirting or sexual vibes.
5/. No cuddling, kissing, hand holding etc.

Most of it is common sense. I have never had to spell any of that out to my bf lol.. Basically not doing anything that resembles dating.

It sounds like you only see these friends occasionally, you invite your girl with you and you include her in everything. It shouldn't be an issue and it should cause trust issues. Ask your girl to get some counselling. It will only get worse otherwise.

Yeah, I guess since I'm pretty new to long-term relationships I hadn't experienced trust issues/boundaries before, and I just kept doing the same thing I did when I was single, not thinking it would upset her. I realize now that I do need to have some boundaries, but I was a little surprised when just doing karaoke with someone whom I view as a sister set my GF off so much. Yes, one of the songs was crude, but to me it had no connotations whatsoever...I guess that violates #4 on your list though, of no sexual vibes. Also, you're correct in saying that I invite and include her and don't ever spend time alone with platonic female friends. Seems like the general advice so far is having her seek counseling. Thanks!

[michelle23]

I said I don't believe in close female friends. I also don't believe in this "sister" like friendship you have. Have you heard of emotional affairs? Being too close to other females is a recipe for disaster if you are in a long term relationship. It puts you at risk for "is the grass greener syndrome".

There is nothing wrong with having friends as long as your gf comes first and no I don't believe you did anything wrong that night in karaoke. I have done lots of things like that with my cousins boyfriends and they have done the same with mine. I think hugs are fine too tbh I have often hugged male friends and its no big deal but if it bothered my bf-I wouldnt do it.

[horndog]

Her trust issues seem a bit over the top. Honestly, without you completely swearing off all opposite sex friends I don't think this woman if your will ever be happy. You are not doing anything wrong so it is not your behavior that needs to change. Im not usually one to throw around the suggestion of counseling lightly, but it really sounds like she needs some. The only other solution is to part ways if she is not open to recognizing and seeking help for her problems. In her current state it sounds like she wants a man who is always within arms length on a leash with his balls safely tucked away in her purse.

I think you have done all that you can do regarding her trust issues but sadly instead of her seeing the faults in her ways you are the only one making changes. Think about the rest of your life? Do you want to walk on egg shells forever?

[michelle23]

ya I agree. If she refuses to acknowledge that she is the one with the problem and wont get help-you should end this now coz it will only get worse otherwise if she cannot stop comparing you to her ex

[trustissuenoob]

Her trust issues seem a bit over the top. Honestly, without you completely swearing off all opposite sex friends I don't think this woman if your will ever be happy. You are not doing anything wrong so it is not your behavior that needs to change. Im not usually one to throw around the suggestion of counseling lightly, but it really sounds like she needs some. The only other solution is to part ways if she is not open to recognizing and seeking help for her problems. In her current state it sounds like she wants a man who is always within arms length on a leash with his balls safely tucked away in her purse.

I think you have done all that you can do regarding her trust issues but sadly instead of her seeing the faults in her ways you are the only one making changes. Think about the rest of your life? Do you want to walk on egg shells forever?

She has told me in the past and also last night that she is trying to get over her trust issues. I asked her how I could help and she said the only thing I could do was build trust with her, which I apparently lost about 5 months in when the first incident occurred. Things were a little rocky after that, but they've been good up until now.

We talked this morning and she brought up another situation that I hadn't mentioned here previously, and that was that I had mentioned going to Burning Man to another friend the day after the first incident happened (we had pretty much resolved things at that point) and I had talked about something my roommate at the time had mentioned, which was a boundary-breaking exercise that involved getting bathed by the opposite sex (no nudity involved, and no genital touching). But that really triggered her, and I can understand why-that would definitely break a boundary with her. I apologized for even talking about it and haven't brought it up since, but she brought it up this morning and I had to leave for work before we could really talk about it. That whole thing was definitely me not thinking...just that conversation might be what ends this. Kinda sucks, but that one I brought on myself.

[trustissuenoob]

ya I agree. If she refuses to acknowledge that she is the one with the problem and wont get help-you should end this now coz it will only get worse otherwise if she cannot stop comparing you to her ex

Maybe she is comparing me to her ex..she doesn't say that I'm like him but the fact that he lied to her for so long definitely gave her these trust issues, and I'm having to deal with them. I'm starting to think I should have given her more time to process the last relationship before I asked her out. Sigh. Thanks for the advice.