Make or Break time?! Advice needed please :(

[Posie]

Hey, so I have been my fella for almost 6 years. We have a really great relationship most of the time,and he really is my perfect man. He is handsome, kind, smart and funny. However, there is one BIG issue in our relationship that we can't seem to overcome, and it is getting to the point where I am question whether I see us having a future together at all. He has been fired from three jobs, which is every job he has had, for being late. He sleeps in for work ALL OF THE TIME. I do not understand it. He has no medical condition, he has been to the doctor about this, but just can't seem to get himself out of bed. He has recently been unemployed for seven months, which was very VERY difficult. We almost had to move out of our home, and I barely have any friends left because my social life was so pitiful. Anyways, he recently got a new job, (huraaah,) but then this morning, (his 9th day,) HE SLEEPS IN!! I have tried everything, from waking up before him and forcing him out of bed, which is not always possible, to setting 6 alarms and hiding them around the room so he has to get out of bed to switch them off, but he just ignores them and sleeps. We had a fight today and he told me that I just wanted to make him feel bad and was being a nag. I am so frustrated because I cannot deal with him being fired a 4th time. This is not the life I want for myself. I worked my ass off to get to where I am and I cannot have the life I want because he refuses to grow up. Am I being unreasonable and what should I do? Sad and Frustrated

[Millie]

No you're not being unreasonable for wanting him to simply be a grown up and pull his weight, it's called being an adult, and if he loves you I'd suggest he'd want to share the load and not put all the pressure on you. Unfortunately you're in a Catch-22 situation, until he sees the error of his ways you're going to continue to become increasingly stressed and unhappy and that resentment will deleteriously impact your relationship, but he's unlikely to change until he recognizes that his behaviour cost him something that really mattered - namely his relationship with you.

As a sidenote: if you've been together 6 years he's no longer a child and you're most certainly not his mother, it really shouldn't be your responsibility to get him out of bed, but that being the case I'd suggest a couple of well-aimed buckets of ice water are cheaper and more effective than any number of alarm clocks.

[michelle23]

Is it possible he could have depression? How many hours does he sleep per night? Is he staying up too late? Or finding it difficult to sleep? People over sleep when they are very stressed or depressed. He needs to see a doctor again and possibly a therapist.

I have heard that depression can be due to a lack of serotonin in the brain. He could need medication if this is the case: http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro99/web3/Ho.html I suggest he gets his serontonin levels tested if there are no psychological or emotional reasons for depression.

I could be way off. He may just lack motivation and is lazy-doesn't want to work. If that is the case-I would tell him that this is his last chance. If he gets fired again, you are leaving and MEAN IT

[j-white]

Do you plan to have children?

If this man can't get out of bed to earn a wage for you both to live, I doubt he will bother to get up and feed a baby either.
To be frank you'd probably end up working and trying to raise the baby alone while he just sponges off you.
He's clearly not a provider and I wouldn't like to imagine my future with him in your position.

Maybe some negative reinforcement. Tazer or pepper spray him every time he ignores the alarm.

[horndog]

What time does he go to bed? does he stay up late? Is he a heavy caffeine user during the evening? Sometimes a lot of caffeine will keep you up late and allow you to be a night owl but by the time the caffeine wears off and you crash and actually fall asleep you body is screaming for sleep and will really fight for the sleep it so desperately needs. Amphetamines can also do this but from what you said it does not sound like he is a user.

My gut is you are probably on the right track. Since a medical condition seems to be ruled out he probably just needs to grow up and make sure he is getting enough rest and to bed at a decent time. I would give him the ultimatum that if he loses another job for oversleeping, then he loses you. If you have worked so hard for everything you have the last thing you need is to have it threatened by a guy who cant get out of bed.

[TablesandChairs]

No, it's not unreasonable to expect an adult man to get up in time for work. It's not that hard.

If his bed time isn't an issue (and again, he shouldn't be able to self-monitor this so that he's in bed at a reasonable time. If he needs more sleep than most, then he should ensure he's in bed 9-10 hours before he needs to be up. Simple) and he has no medical or mental conditions...then he's taking advantage of the fact that you do wake up and you do make a consistent income that supports the both of you.

I bet he'd wake up if his survival depended on it.

[Boisdevie]

Dump the loser.

[4 ratties]

You've talked to him, you've tried to help, and you've waited around.. It sounds like There's nothing else you can do. I would tell him it's either wake up and be responsible or you are breaking up with him.