I really hate the way I am, because I almost never find girls I like and want to date, so when I do, I tend to fall a bit hard for them. I think I find one girl I'm attracted to every five or so years. And when you're as lonely as I am and want to date as badly as I do, that's a pretty frustrating statistic.
I'm still very much hung up on the last girl I liked, last year. It's particularly bad, because she's the absolute best "match" for myself that I've ever found. But she didn't want to date me. It hurt me even more to find out that she dated two other guys (at different times, I mean) that she had little in common with, and both ended up cheating on her. It hurts because I know I would've been good to her, and I really think given our similarities that she and I would've had a lot of fun together. So it really breaks my heart to know that she doesn't find me attractive, but is on board with dating guys that are more sleazy.
The fact that I still know her probably prolongs my pain, but that's out of my hands. It bothers me, too, because she's VERY chummy with the first ex that cheated on her, still. Whether or not she's started seeing this guy again, or whether they just happen to be very friendly with each other, I don't know, and I guess I don't want to know. I know it's none of my business, but it's so hard not to think about "Why him/ them, and not me?". When she started seeing her second ex, she politely asked me to back off (things had gotten a little weird between she and I at the time), and out of respect for her, I did so, and I haven't been actively pursuing her since. Since she split with that ex, she's been a bit nicer to me, but she still seems to prefer spending time with her first ex more than me. Again, I know that's none of my business, but internally, it's just so hard to stop wondering why I can't be the guy she wants to talk to and spend time with anymore.
Unless she and I either become better friends (or, much more unlikely, we start dating), it looks like the next few months are the last months that she's going to have a presence in my life. On one hand, I know that's probably a good thing, because if she's no longer around, that will make it easier for me to not stress myself out over her and who she's with. But being that I still have feelings, I don't want to "never see her again". It kills me inside to know that I finally found the most amazing girl I've ever found, got to spend some time with her, and now she's just going to be gone and I go back to not finding any girls that I'm even half as attracted to as I am to her.
I hate myself for still having feelings for this girl, I really do. I know I shouldn't, and I know I've been attached for much longer than I ever should have been. I'm not proud of that fact. But my inability to find other girls I'm attracted to sort of skews my perception of things, and makes me want to hold on to my feelings for this girl in hopes that things may change with her. It's a very difficult place to be in, and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm driving myself crazy and stressing myself out, all over this girl that I can never have. I just don't know what to do. v_v