Need help/advice

[Neegan]

Hello. So I will get right to it. Here is the deal. I have developed very strong feelings for a female friend of mine. She has told me that under different circumstances she would probably feel the same about me too but she is currently hung up on this other guy that only uses her for sex and constantly lets her down and will not commit. I would do anything for this girl and she knows it. I have become her go to shoulder to cry on when this other guy disappoints her (which is frequently). She said she calls me because I make her feel better about herself and build her whereas this other guy tears her down constantly. We spend a lot of time together and she likes to do things like put her head on my shoulder, hug me tight for long periods of time or even kiss me. The problem is, she will not let go of this other guy. I was out of town last week and I got her a cool gift, it's a hanging slab of rose quartz. She loved it. She said she rarely likes the gifts people give her but I continue to surprise her with things she loves. So I guess my question is, how do I win her over? Is it even possible now? Or am I just wasting my time? Thanks!

[4 ratties]

She sounds mentally ill to be with someone that makes her cry And miserable all the time. He's not even her boyfriend.. Just her sex buddy.. Id be careful with this one. Sounds like something's not all right with her

[michelle23]

She has co-dependency issues-in other words DOORMAT. You are her emotional tampon and you are enabling her to stay with a cunt while you wipe her tears and say "there there" and pat her back-telling her what she wants to hear like "oh you can do better" blah blah blah

the reality is she chooses to stay in this situation even though she knows he is using her so technically this IS her fault..

You need to stop being her b**ch. This girl obviously has issues-low self esteem, likes drama, no sense of self worth, enjoys being the centre of attention while you feel sorry for her.

Your too nice and too good for her. She likes men who treat her like dirt and you will never give her the drama she craves. She needs to work on herself and learn on her own that she can do better. Thats the only way you will ever stand a chance.

My advice: next time she runs to you-tell her straight she is a doormat and she is the only one who can change that. Tell her she chooses to stay with a guy who makes her miserable and its her own fault if he keeps hurting her. Tell her your sorry but you cant do this anymore and tell her to give you a call if she gets over her co-dependency issues and ever decides she would like a real man who doesnt treat her like a piece of meat. Till then goodbye

ignore her and move on.

Trust me she loves the drama and the attention and people feeling sorry for her. My cuz was her 6months ago.. When we stopped caring and stopped enabling her and told her its her own fault-she dumped him.

If she dumps him and runs to you-tell her your not gonna be a rebound-that she should be alone for awhile until shes sure that she wants a long term relationship with you.

[Neegan]

Well, yes, she does have low self esteem. Everyone knows that, including her. I'm not sure why she does. She's pretty smart and extremely attractive. I was out of town again this past weekend and she texted me out of the blue to tell me she knows I would treat her great and be good for her. Then yesterday she came over for about 5 hours to hang out. We had a great time. But in my heart I know you are correct that she has issues to deal with before she can be with me. I don't say this lightly or very often but I seriously think I am falling in love with her. We spend a lot of time together so I have gotten to know her well. That is going to make it hard for me to walk away. The heart wants what the heart wants and for some reason it wants her. That being said, my brain is telling me to back away. Such conflict with my head and heart that IDK what to do any longer.

[michelle23]

Well if you allow yourself to stay in this situation-then you are just as bad as her (co-dependent). You know that right now you don't stand a chance with her, you know you are
in too deep and she is hurting you and you know you will end up getting even more badly hurt if you continue to be her male girlfriend.

You need to remove yourself from her, go no contact, focus on healing and meeting a woman who doesn't have so many issues. If you stay and be her best friend, you will just waste a load of time having false hope and miss your chance with other girls who do want to be with you.

You just have to be strong. Right now you are in love with the idea of her. You have no idea what a real relationship with her would be like. Its all just a fantasy and you have put her on a pedestal. You need to take her off that pedestal and look closely. Shes having an emotional affair with you coz she is too weak and pathetic to end her unhappy relationship with him and she allows herself to be walked all over.

That means if you and she go through a rough patch (if you ever did manage to get with her) she would do the same thing to you. Find a new best friend to lean on while emotionally distancing herself from you. You cannot trust people like her.

Move on

[IslandScorp]

In this case, it's best to listen to your brain. Emotionally, what you're feeling isn't real love. What you have is a rescuer syndrome-you see her as someone who needs help, someone stuck with the bad guy, etc.-and you think that you can make it all better if she'll just choose you. It makes you feel needed and when she turns to you for help, it makes you feel strong. But the way that she is, she can never make you happy in the long run. In a real and healthy relationship, there is a give and take, mutual support, respect, love. In this case, it's all about her, isn't it? Don't you think she's being completely selfish when she uses you for emotional support, spends time with you, flirts with you, and then, knowing how you feel about her, returns to that other guy? You might see her as smart and attractive but this type of woman is needy, self-absorbed, and a user. Pull back and find yourself a healthy relationship if you really want to be happy.

[Neegan]

You both sound like every single one of my friends. Heh. I guess it's time I started listening. Thank you all for all you said. You broke it down perfectly and clearly. It's clear now what I need to do and who I need to be around and who not to be around (mainly her). Thank you!!

[Frog Princess]

Sounds like you got yourself a live one.

Seriously, your friends and the people on this post are right. I wouldn't call her screwed up or say "something is wrong with her" because this can happen to anyone at a low point in their lives. However, she is using you as a cushion to soften the blows he keeps hitting her with. She's not in the space to love you the way that you would want her to.

My suggestion - let her know that you two need to spend some time away from each other. She sounds like she might pull a major cling-on move if you try to have "the talk" with so I would avoid getting into too much detail. You will have her eating out of the palm of your hand (because at this point you're unattainable and that is what she likes), but don't bite. That's not to say that she won't ever be ready for a healthy relationship, but chances are you won't even want her once you've spent some time away from her.

Best of luck!

[Neegan]

My suggestion - let her know that you two need to spend some time away from each other. She sounds like she might pull a major cling-on move if you try to have "the talk" with so I would avoid getting into too much detail. You will have her eating out of the palm of your hand (because at this point you're unattainable and that is what she likes), but don't bite.

Do you really think that is true? It sounds like it would be manipulative on my part. I really just want to find someone I don't need to play any mind games with. But that being said, I'm not sure I would feel good about myself if I abandoned her. Everyone does that to her and I don't want to be like everyone else. Does she use me for emotional support? Yes. Constantly. Do I have a rescuer syndrome? Absolutely! I attract the damaged ones like a moth to the flame. I think it's my calming nature and the fact that I sit and listen to them. I don't mind. I like helping. It's who I am. But anyway, Thank you all for the wonderful advice and suggestions!!

[michelle23]

If you backed away from her and made yourself less available: yes it would temporarily work but you should not have to change who you are to get her attention so not recommended.

As for "abandoning her" you are not her dad. You owe her nothing. She is using you. Plus if she is a nice person she will understand "i'm sorry, I have developed strong feelings for you and I feel I have to remove myself from this situation as I find it too difficult to just be friends and I fear I will waste my whole life wanting to be with you when you don't want me, if I don't move on now and focus on meeting someone who does want me. I know you feel like you cant do any better than that douchebag but you can and I think you should go and get some help via counselling to help you learn you are worth more but I cant help you until you learn to help yourself and until you stop being a doormat allowing guys to treat you like crap" you cant be fairer then that.

Rescuer syndrome: You need to get help for that. You will never have a healthy relationship with anyone if you are the carer and she the patient or your the parent and shes the child. You should be equal. As for attracting damaged ones: its probably because you are damaged somehow too. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people and then you end up with an unhealthy, destructive relationship that is built on co-dependency.

[michelle23]

I'll just add: she acts like your her bf in every way except you don't have sex. That is not fair to you. Platonic friends do not spend this much time together. 5 hours a day alone? Crazy!

You have nothing to feel guilty about if you walk away. You come first, your happiness. There are guys on this forum who have wasted 5-10 years on a female best friend hoping that one day she would miraculously fall in love with him. And most of the time these guys miss their chance with lots of girls willing to commit, they date others but never manage to fall in love as she is still in his life and every other girl feels like second best. They miss out on marriage, kids etc Then eventually she goes through a bad breakup or divorce years later and uses him as a rebound and he thinks "finally I have her"-only for her to disappear again within 6 months. Don't be that guy

You will be over her within 6 months if you move on now and cut contact with her. Then you will be able to meet a girl who does want you and commit properly

[TablesandChairs]

Maybe there's a reason everyone keeps abandoning her.

Anyway. Do you really want to be 'that' guy - the one who wipes away the tears and puts in all the effort while some other douche who couldn't care less gets to bang her? Put it this way - if her ex came back into her life in any significant way, you'd be history.

You may as well tell her: spending time with you is great, but since I have feelings for you and you're clearly unavailable, its best we put some distance between us'.

Or you could tell her you feel a bit bloated after having been used as a tampon for so long.

[Frog Princess]

Do you really think that is true? It sounds like it would be manipulative on my part. I really just want to find someone I don't need to play any mind games with. But that being said, I'm not sure I would feel good about myself if I abandoned her. Everyone does that to her and I don't want to be like everyone else. Does she use me for emotional support? Yes. Constantly. Do I have a rescuer syndrome? Absolutely! I attract the damaged ones like a moth to the flame. I think it's my calming nature and the fact that I sit and listen to them. I don't mind. I like helping. It's who I am. But anyway, Thank you all for the wonderful advice and suggestions!!

I think that my suggestion may have come across differently than how I intended it to. You wouldn't put distance between the two of you to make her want you. You would do it because it would be the best thing. She will probably want you at that point because you are unavailable to her. Don't give into it. Move on as you are better without her.