Please help! My lack of trust has broken us up.

[Going_Home]

Thanks Ginger. You're very right, down to the word. I already have 2 appoints with a therapist before my girlfriend gets back and when Im back from my week it continues. Im awfully nervous to be honest but looking forward to try to change myself. It will be worth it - even if it doesnt get this girl back, which I truly hope isnt the case. How are you coping?

[Ginger2013]

Things here are going well, I mean, we were supposed to go fishing today but the weather stopped us unfortunately, so we'll see each other tomorrow. We still spoke on the phone for about an hour and we'll talk before bed tonight. I'm doing fine, still wary of his promises, but he has his second therapy appointment tomorrow and intends on going. For me, the hurt is still there though because I can't just forget those memories, they will take time, love and caring to not be in the forefront of my mind.

Think about things this way too. If she takes you back and you haven't made any changes, you'll feel relief, but what's to stop you from reacting that way again? Nothing because you haven't worked on you. So even if she forgives, she won't forget and she'll be walking even more on eggshells with you and quicker to leave if something goes wrong. Even if she does forgive, I still think you ought to seek therapy and do what you can to improve yourself as an adult male. You'll have such a better relationship (with her or with another woman) if you can let go of the issues that are holding you back from experiencing true bliss and happiness in a loving and trusting relationship.

[Going_Home]

Again, I agree totally. And it sounds like YOU are going the right way about things. If your partner really is doing his therapy, and it works, then Im sure you have a lot of love ahead of you. I truly envy your strength and hope your boyfriend comes up with the goods. I know you're walking on eggshells and kind of waiting for the slightest mistake but is it still possible therefore to have hopes and feelings? How do you do it? Deep down, you must know this is a special guy but at the same time you are pushing those emotions away. Im not doubting your integrity (hope it doesnt sound that way) Im really just tryng to understand emotions as Ive never been in such a disastrous situation as the one Im (or we"re) in at the moment. Even my marriage break up was easier than this! (Marriage ended mutually as the steam ran out basically. No issues).

[Ginger2013]

Thank you I am being strong because I'm 45 and I am not getting any younger. There are lots of men out there and I have lately realized there is no point in settling for one who makes me feel bad about myself. Yes I love him, but I've loved before and I can love again. I don't believe in "the one" or "soul mates". But I can see he and I together until we are old and toothless! (if he learns to control his temper)

I certainly have hopes and feelings, I've told him how I feel, that I want this to work because I'm so attached to him and love him to bits, but yes, I'm wary because I'm certainly ready for him to blow up at me again, and if that happens I'll be gone for good. That's what's keeping my emotions from overflowing, the thought that I'll have to leave and go through the pain I felt again the last 2 weeks.

It's about trust. I have lots of love for him, when he showed his sweet side, he was very affectionate and loving, we both want the same things in life, have the same hobbies we enjoy and almost exactly the same taste in music, movies and comedy. We're both introverts and not very social, we both have disowned our family members and have both suffered childhood abuse. Neither of us needs a big group of friends to feel whole, and we love just sitting with each other and talking. We clicked on an intellectual level due to our love for the environment, science and history...we are extremely compatible in bed too. It's just his anger and lack of controlling it that ruined it all.

In order to protect myself I HAVE to keep my emotions in check because I myself have depression and suffer an emotional mood disorder. I'm struggling each day not to run into his arms and let him hug me and tell me he's changed, he loves me and all will be okay. But I can't because I let him off easy before and he continued the abusive behaviour. I just cannot go through that again, because it hurts too much, it destroys a little piece of my self-esteem each time, so I have to put a wall up until I feel he really is serious about changing himself. I don't have a time frame, I just have to go day by day.

The only way to rebuild trust in this situation is for him to show me new behaviours when his temper flares, for us to spend quality time together and for us to communicate everything in a rational and mature way. We've only just begun and it will take time.

[Going_Home]

You would make a good counsellor. So many people would throw that away. It's great to hear, honestly.

Im also 'older' 42, and my girlfriend is 5 years younger. And like you, totally at ease in our own company rather than others. My girlfriend is probably a little more introverted than me and I love to make my girl feel good and confident about herself and long to have the chance to do it again. I have to say, Ive not given my girlfriend a history of abuse here... I scared her this time by trying to throw her out - and, as Ive mentioned, we were both doing some pushing. I was childish taking her phone, without a doubt but there's not a history of this from me I promise. Everyone's different. I really hope she can go through the same thought processes as you but Im afraid her friends might not allow that.

Thanks for sharing your state of mind and if you have anything else, let us know. You've helped me a lot - and without saying one nice thing about me! Only joking...

[michelle23]

OP did you react badly to other minor things before these two occasions? You havnt given any reason so far to imply that her hiding her phone was justified. Its easy to pile all the blame on yourself coz of how yu reacted BUT what was the relationship like before that outburst?

You cant just brush her secretive behaviour under the carpet unless you had been overly possessive before that

[Going_Home]

Hi Michelle,
I have reacted overly possesive before yes but only once before did I snap like I did last weekend... This weekend was the worst moment. Pushing, like I mentioned. The possisive behaviour that arose before was for not telling the whole truth for example - she had a bad back, bumped into an an ex who does yoga and couldve helped. She told me she'd bumped into him and just said hello. 2 weeks later he texts her asking if she wants the treatment he'd offered when they bumped into each other. My argument there was that she really should of told me everything an not just "we said hi"... So i was the bad one again for reacting. We happen to live in a smallish city where bumping into someone is probably unavoidable. She's not seeing these guys, Im sure of that... But the secrecy and as little info as possible policy she has has wound me up in the past... Culminating in last weekends events. So as it stands right now, Im still brushing her secretive behaviour under the carpet.
As Ive also said, the relationship generally is great. Easy even. Very harmonious. Our routines are so simple most people would call us pretty boring but it's anything but!

[TablesandChairs]

Like Ginger, I've had a possessive/controlling boyfriend before and it was a nightmare. I tried staying for his qualities and there were plenty of those...but I was forced to leave because I got tired of 'sneaking' around when I was doing absolutely nothing wrong or disloyal.

If I went out with friends, I'd get interrogated. If I was on the phone or texting, more interrogation. If I simply didn't feel like meeting up because I was dead tired, I got an attitude. He once kept me up until 6 am (on a work day) ranting and raving and being dissatisfied with every response I could give them; I would involuntarily fall asleep, he would wake me to continue the tirade. It was like torture...and the following day, while at work, I just snapped and thought 'no, that's it'.

Not only is jealousy and controlling behavior off-putting, it's also exhausting and makes the other person want to avoid you and avoid telling you anything. It's okay to have an issue, it's okay to discuss it...but it's not okay to hold someone hostage for hours, unable to self-sooth yourself or accept anything they say. Arguments that last over a certain amount of time are futile; people get tired, frustrated and annoyed. So, learning healthier ways to discuss problems should be on the cards.

You sound like you really care about her so I hope you can fix things.