How should I deal with my mother's unwillingness to accept my new boyfriend?

[ZombieGirl]

Back in March, after having taken the sufficient amount of time I needed after I ended a deeply unsatisfying long term relationship, I returned to the world of dating. After going out on a number of dates with a few guys, I met one that I really liked and we saw each other exclusively for two months. A few weeks ago we made the relationship official and I am very happy with him. We have a lot in common, get along great, he treats me fantastically, etc.

Since day one, however, my mother has been hesitant about this guy. She worries about our future because he doesn't have a post-secondary education and isn't pursuing one (he is 24), and therefore is concerned that we would struggle. While I understand her wanting what is best for me, I'm only 21 years old and not looking that far ahead, especially because this relationship is so new that I don't need to have things be so serious just yet. Moreover, I'm in no way, shape, or form going to date someone for their money; on the flip side, that also means I'm not going to choose to not date someone that I am very compatible with just because they don't make a certain amount of money.

Despite not pursuing an education, he isn't lazy, and has goals he is determined to accomplish. He has been living on his own and supporting himself since he was 19. Without getting too specific, he works in sales making far above minimum wage per hour plus commission, which is only a job to pay his bills while he works towards starting his own business. He is ambitious, independent, motivated, and very smart. All of this I've attempted to explain to my mother, but she just won't have it. Funny thing is that yes, she is very successful, but she never got an education either, nor did she come from money. She worked up from the bottom, much like my boyfriend intends to.

Whenever my boyfriend is over, he can sense how much she dislikes him. She'll barely look at him, and won't even talk to him. He isn't even allowed to stay the night (since I'm still a student and can't afford to live on my own, I live with my mother), despite the fact that my ex was welcome to stay the night whenever he wanted. Plus, it isn't as though we don't spend nights with each other anyway because every weekend I stay at his place.

My family is very close knit so having her like him feels like a big deal to me. Even though my mother and I basically never get along, I want her to be happy for me. I want her to accept and like him. If she doesn't like him, it won't change anything because I'll still date him, but it makes me so upset to feel as though he is so unwelcome. Not to mention it hurts me to know that he feels how unwelcome he is. He says he doesn't care what she thinks, but I feel like he might just be saying that so he doesn't show how much it bothers him. Plus, being only 21 and living at home makes it so that I can't just throw in her face that I'm an independent adult and that who I date isn't any of her business -- even though it really isn't regardless -- because I'm under her roof.

I just don't know how to proceed from here. Any advice on how I should deal with this issue?

[Ginger2013]

Here's my honest opinion, he's YOUR bf, not your mother's. You're a smart girl, if he becomes a bum who wants to leech off you, you'll do something about it. Your mom seems controlling, and it's pretty mean of her to treat him like crap when you bring him to your home. If he feels completely unwelcome when he visits, he probably won't want to come over any more. If you let your mom's opinion interfere, I don't see how the relationship can flourish.

[ZombieGirl]

It isn't so much that I let her opinion interfere... My relationship with him will flourish or fail on its own, and I won't ever let her influence be the reason behind it. And yes, whenever there is a reason for me to suggest him being at my house now, he doesn't like the idea. He does it because I ask him for whatever reason, but I know it makes him uncomfortable. That's a major part of the issue; I feel awful that he feels that way. I'm not going to change what I do or who I date because of her, but I guess I'm hoping to find a way to sort of get her to come around to at least being open to getting to know him and giving him a chance.

[Ginger2013]

My experience with mothers...well, I can only speak for myself, is that they don't come around. They have a set idea for who they want their kids to date and nobody but THEIR Mr. (or Mrs.) Perfect will ever be good enough. What I mean is that her making him purposely feel uncomfortable IS interfering with the two of you because he already doesn't want to spend time with your family. You say family is important right? If he doesn't want to participate, that may cause problems with the two of you, all rooted from the way your mother treats him. For your sake I hope she comes around because she's really being unfair.

[ZombieGirl]

It has been a couple days, and things continue to get worse. I'm seeing your point more and more, Ginger. I don't believe she'll ever come around. It breaks my heart.

As for how it is affecting my boyfriend and I, despite his discomfort, he is willing to be around my family if I ever ask. At this point, though, I don't ever want to bring him around them. He doesn't deserve it. He is a great guy, and my mother -- hell, the rest of my family, too -- is being judgmental and not giving him a chance. And apparently he is "annoying" because he tried to be chatty and make conversation with them. I guess they weren't even remotely interested in his efforts to get to know them and make a good impression.

If anything, this makes me just want to pull away from my family even more. Despite my family being close and my desire for their approval (I know, that sounds bad), I've always been a black sheep in my family. I've never had the same attitude or beliefs as them, and never seen things the way they do. Their attitude towards my boyfriend is rooted in a lot of these attitudes which I'm strongly against; if anything, it is pushing me away from my mother and family. It was probably inevitable; I'm on the verge of being disgusted by them.

[Boisdevie]

It's your life and if you think he's good enough for you then that's all there is to it. Problem is that if you're still living at home you can't really be regarded as a fully self sufficient adult and therefore your mum has a hold over you. I'd be tempted to tell her to get stuffed but they you're living under HER roof aren't you so you're in a fix here.

[ZombieGirl]

It's your life and if you think he's good enough for you then that's all there is to it. Problem is that if you're still living at home you can't really be regarded as a fully self sufficient adult and therefore your mum has a hold over you. I'd be tempted to tell her to get stuffed but they you're living under HER roof aren't you so you're in a fix here.

Yes, I am living under her roof so it makes the situation that much harder. I'd move out if I could (I've recently rekindled efforts at trying to make it happen by really looking into costs, etc. We'll see how that works out.) just to get some breathing room, but it is tough. I absolutely recognise that I'm not fully self-sufficient. I'm a dependent, and as such I know my mother has a hold over me. And that's why I respect (no matter how much it annoys me) a lot of what I believe to be unreasonable "rules" of the household, such as what I can and cannot do to my own body (dying hair, piercings, etc). Again, I'm stuck under her roof so I'll go so far as to respect those, but I definitely think trying to control who I date by making dating them difficult when I'm a LEGAL ADULT to decide who I wish to date... Well, that I think is a bit too far.

Still no progress on this whole situation if anyone is curious. I don't bring my boyfriend around anymore and we're happier for it because every time I would just stress about it and get upset when things failed to go as I'd hoped. And at every turn, my mother continues to take every opportunity to make backhanded comments about him. It really pains me, especially when I genuinely believe he is the best thing that could have happened to me.