Relationships...

[Erok9453]

Soooo, this will probably sound likes dozens of posts before my own, but maybe that means more people will be able to relate and give me good advice. I'll try summarize my current relationship as it stands and how we met. I met this girl a year and a half ago. We dated for 4 months and became a couple. She was good company, a good-hearted person, and I was just tired of being single for several odd years. She goes to school and I work in software. I've kind of been the supportive backbone in the relationship as I have steady income, a car, and a relatively stable lifestyle. We get along pretty well, my parents like her and most of the time it's a composed relationship that's generally sought after.

I've been happy to always show her a good time. Money has really never been a factor. I'm not buying her clothes or diamonds, but we go out to eat regularily and I've invited her on a few trips in the last year to several places including home in Ohio. I get along with her, but we quarrel in a kind of humorous fashion at times. We're both very opinionated and differ in our views. Some of my friends like her, but others state very blatantly that I should move on. Unfortunately, I've been alienated from one specific group of friends ever since I started dating her (keep in mind, I barely put this into the equation). She's a strong-willed female (self proclaimed feminist) so many of my female friends enjoy her company (moreso than the guys). When we go out I'm a bit too conscious/concerned about her having a good time. She really doesn't enjoy alot of the things I'm into--movies, exercise, ufc, going out late with a group of friends. She's more of a homebody, and that makes me feel uncomfortable. She just wants to be at home with me and her cats, which to me has gotten very old. At least for a regular weekend routine. And I really don't like cats. :{

I just turned 30 and I feel like I'm at the peak of my life. She's not an active person (physically) and before I met her I was. I kind of blended to her lifestyle in a way. I didn't keep up the exercise. It makes me a bit depressed I didn't find someone that was as physically engaged as myself. Ahem, this also applies to the bedroom lifestyle, which I don't necessarily want to make this thread about. She's an attractive girl, there's no question there, but this is a rare situation where my attraction to her has just plummeted. I often try to skip the nightly routine to just not deal with it. Also because she's usually asleep hours before I go to bed. This makes me feel like an even older couple (she's 26, so it's not an age thing). I feel like I've settled into something I'm really not content with... It's an unhealthy relationship on the sexual front. I won't pull out for that reason alone, but it is a factor.

Now into the heavy grit of the situation. I've tried breaking it off with her twice. Both times she teared up, and the fact that I do care for her very much, bailed on pulling the plug. Anyone you spend 2 years with isn't just like throwing dust to the wind. There are emotions there that can't be ignored. I'm not a souless bastard. I do very much care for her.. But I'm very unhappy. I stay because it makes her happy. I've started drinking more heavily and recently picked up smoking again as well when she's not around. I smoked in college and managed to quit, but now I do it to numb my dilemma. I'm very much in mental agony. I've felt my mind drifting at work towards the relationship from time to time. Most people say they can't wait to meet up with their significant other when I'm typically the opposite. I get excited when she says she can't meet up on a specified night. Although, when we do meet up I'm able to brush the feelings away and just focus on her company. She's a happy person so it's not like going to meet up with a miserable old maid. Our time together ALWAYS starts well, but then sours by our typical playful bickering. At the heart of our relationship, it's not what I'd consider ideal.

I have a psychologist who says this relationship is good for me, because I've been a few years not in one. I say I'm not happy, but she continues by saying, "you shouldn't focus on the negative and realize all relationships have ups and downs". Yeah, but what if the feelings are bearing so heavily on my mind that I can't breathe? lol. I never expected to be in a perfect relationship. But I am aware of others around me not being in this dilemma. Even my friends that are in relationships where they fight all the time say they would rather hold the relationship together than end it. I'm in a relationship where we don't fight, but our time together is very dull and fruitless.

I'm at a wits end here. I'm about to go on work leave for 3 weeks and I'm not sure to end it before I go, hold tight, or end it when I get back. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Do I throw something away that I will later regret? My girlfriend is indeed attractive--she's told me many times before that guys approach her on a regular basis. This does make me feel good in a way, but then I think, would she be more worthy to be with someone that can appreciate her more than myself? So I'm obviously not thinking about myself her. Or will I look back and say it was the right thing to do. The bachelor lifestyle has kept me pretty clean and healthy. But I know eventually that must end. Don't judge me because I'm thinking in this way. It's how I feel and it's what's making me uncomfortable. I would really appreciate any advice. Also, please don't de-rail this thread by posting your own page long story that does not relate to my own. I'd be happy to reply to your thread, just keep this one about me . Yeah, I know. Selfish right? lol

Thanks everyone! And best of luck to all of you with your own relationships .

-Adam

[smackie9]

Take it from someone who has been with their partner for over 23 years....a relationship can't last for the long haul if you both don't share the same passions. If you don't have a continual shared old and new passions, interests and hobbies, you will slowly drift apart. Then one day you will wake up and realize the person next to you is like a stranger.

Everyone starts out great in a new relationship, because you are running on feelings and emotions, which makes you over look these incompatibilities.....but when the honeymoon period wears down, you see the mistakes you have made, and the poor judgment. Now if each person in the relationship can't progress, bring new things and interests to share in the relationship...the relationship becomes stagnant.

Of course we never want to hurt the one we so care about, and I'm guessing you are feeling guilty and selfish for how you feel BUT your reason for leaving this relationship is legitimate. Why live with the feeling you are missing out on life when you could enjoy it to the fullest with someone that is more compatible? Makes sense?

No you are not selfish.....we only live once.

[basilandthyme]

Dump your girlfriend and your psychologist.

Dating can be so much better than this.

[michelle23]

You just have to be strong and end it now. And you need to be very clear. You have tried to do it twice and all you got was drama, tears and her clinging to you and then the guilt made you stay. This time, maybe you should write her a letter to say its over. Just say, "I'm sorry, this isn't working, I am unhappy and I don't feel the same way anymore. I have tried to tell you this twice before and I couldn't face another time seeing you so upset. I wish you happiness in the future and I hope you find a nice man who will look after you and treat you right. All the best, goodbye"

[TablesandChairs]

You're not in love with her and after 2 years, nothing will change that. That's why you're not excited to see her; because her physical presence just reminds you that you don't feel what you should be feeling - what you want to do be feeling.

You're not a monster and you probably had good intentions...but, my guess is that there were never any huge fire-works...you'd been single for a long time, she seemed good enough so you tried to make it work.

You're drinking too much and smoking because you're unhappy, emotionally. It's difficult putting on an 'act' all the time...it's exhausting and miserable. Sure, she might be a decent girl and she might be attractive...but she's not for you.

I broke up with a guy who everyone considered gorgeous and objectively speaking, he was. But my attraction for him faded to zero because I didn't 'feel' it (for many reasons...he wasn't what I wanted or needed). It wasn't just our political views and hobbies that differed...I found him uninspiring, always bored, controlling...list goes on. He had the ability to suffocate me just by existing...so, the onus was on me to step away, as it is for you. She might tear up and what not and that's something you will have to deal with; ultimately, you are doing both of you a favor.

You get one life and you shouldn't squander your chances of finding happiness. It'll be hard for a while...but easier than wasting precious time with the wrong woman.

[searock]

Break up with her, you two aren't compatible.

The fact that she is attractive has nothing to do with whether to stay with her or not (of course she is attractive to you, or else you wouldn't have dated her at all).

[Erok9453]

Smackie9, thanks for chiming in. Honestly, when you mentioned you had been with your significant other for 23 years I thought to myself, "yeah, I couldn't be with this person for 23 years"... It all comes back around to that concerning question of "will I have made the right decision?" Anyway, it feels like it's the right thing to do now...

Michelle, I will not end a relationship with a letter. I may be cowardly for bailing twice on the break-up, but I need to do it the right-way for me to have complete solace over the situation. It's good advice, but I just need to man up. I haven't yet, but I'm working up to it .

TablesAndChairs: So you know what it's like to leave someone that others will be baffled over (appearance-wise)? It sucks, because chemistry isn't as visibly obvious as looks, so I'll have many people coming up to me and asking wtf? I know she will find someone much quicker than me once I've gone. I went a few years without a gf before I met her. She was only months between another relationship. So, it will be tough to know that I'm headed for singles-ville once I've made this happen...and she'll be swept up most likely within the year. It always sucks to see ex's making traction while your dog-paddling to get to find another partner. Then you start thinking if what you had wasn't really that bad (in which case I wish I could bottle my current feelings to be used as a reminder for later in life lol). I do better understand myself now and what I want, so I may come out of this pickier than I was before. Why is dating so agonizing?

[Kromat83]

you may think that way now, but would you rather have the life you have now without loving your current partner, or try to rekindle your passion for someone else within a year or two, that has a possibility to last you for 20+ years?
Making the right decisions now, will help you into the future.
We're not telling you how to live your life, but try to be rational.

[smackie9]

Your 2 years of being single is in the past and shouldn't be a prediction for your future.....that was a different time. Things about yourself and your life has changed since then. You know what you want, and where you are going, so this will lead to better options and opportunities. If you are positive about yourself and things in your life, you will attract the right person in no time.

[Erok9453]

Alright, I'm about to go do this...I can't stop playing scenarios in my head though. She's going to be crushed.

It's weird, I was so confident with this whole thing up until now. I won't back out this time; however, this just sucks...Anyone want to trade souls for an hour? lol

[4 ratties]

Good luck. I know it's hard but she'll feel better in time. Don't try to be friends with her. That will only hurt and confuse her more. Get a clean break so she can really get over you.