In new relationship & I have kids, he doesn't. Need advice!

[Finally Happy]

I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right forum but I thought & hoped there might be some married couples out there that have dealt with an instant family relationship.
Have been dating my new partner for almost a year, things are fantastic in our relationship other than some insecurity issues from both of us.
Essentially I have two wonderful children & he has none, he has never had anything to do with children but is fantastic with mine, very caring & thoughtful. We've been staying at his home to get both the children & him used to the situation of us all living together, as its been on the conversation cards for a while.
My partner works full time usually 50+ hours a week & we have limited time to spend with each other, other than the two nights & 2 days we spend alone together we have the children at his home over the weekend. Lately his been mentioning his lack of time to himself, time to do house work & just general living time. I understand when doing 50+ hours a week there's not to much down time other than his 2 days off that he spends with me. This lack of time issue is seeming to be putting a lot of stress on him, last week he spent 7 hours tiding his house & it's taking its tole. I try to do as much as I can when the children & I stay there, do the dishes, washing, ironing & tidy up after the children but I'm feeling its not enough, and I also have my house to maintain & am feeling I'm neglecting most of my house work for the sake of his. The children aren't really messy kids or anything but he is used to only cleaning up after himself & got a bit upset when he found finger print marks on the door jams. I want to say to him 'kids will be kids, you'll have to get used to things like this' but his a very sensitive guy & his time & a tidy house seem to be very precious to him.
I know I'm throwing an instant family in his lap & essentially asking him to to completely change his whole life around for the sake of my kids. I just don't know what to do, what to say to him, should I be taking on more of his house work to compensate my children being there?
I'd really like some advice from people that have been in this situation, started a relationship with someone with kids, dealt with not only the instant family but also how does he learn to cope with the fact that I still have to talk to my ex-husband because of the kids?
Please if anyone on this forum has been in the instant family situation, please post, please help, please I need some words of wisdom.

I really don't want any posts say 'he knew what he was getting into he just needs to suck it up' or 'you & your children come as a package, if his not prepared for that give him the flick'
Those kinds of posts aren't going to help, just people that have had real experience please!

[michelle23]

Okay I have not been in your shoes but I will try to help. If I were you, I think I would stay in my home with my children and ask him to move in if/when he is ready for that. I think it should be a slow process with him coming round as much as he can and spending time with you all. Right now, looking after two kids, two houses and trying to make time for him is just not practical. He could rent his house out when the time comes and move in with you.

I just don't see how the kids staying at his place is a good idea. His house is the way he likes it and he is used to everything being a specific way just like you are in your home. I think you would find it far easier to maintain your own home and have it shining than his coz you don't know what way he likes things to be there. something as simple as the kids moving his stuff around or you not putting stuff back in the right place may irritate him after a long day at work but that wouldn't happen in your house coz he would move his stuff in and fit into your home and adapt to do things a different way if that makes sense?

It just makes more sense for one person to have to adapt to a new home than all four of you.

You and he also need to communicate better. You should be talking to him about all of this and ask him how he feels and what he wants.

[K_6]

Been there. My parents got divorced and my mother met a guy who had never had children. He moved in with us after one year, was very nice at the beginning but after the second year of living together life became very difficult. Me and my sister were nice kids, like kids used to be 20-25 years ago but he was never fine raising someone else's children and there were always all kind of issues. Ten years later when they separated they both wished they had been honest with each other long before and both my sister and I couldn't agree more. My mother learnt that being a single mother was so much preferable than being with the wrong guy and struggling all the time. Thing is she'd seen the red flags from the very beginning but thought she could change him in time. She thought wrong and regretted it, still does.

[michelle23]

I have seen plenty make these relationships work and are very happy. The thing you need to ask though is: do you want more kids? Does he want kids? If you are not on the same page, it is best to walk away now. Can he cope with being a stepdad to your children? Only time will tell but if he is having any doubts right now, its best not to move in together yet.

I'm sure it doesn't work for some people but if you and he are both committed, then there is no reason why it cant. Just don't take any crap from him. If it starts going downhill then walk away

Best of luck