No Contact & Moving On

[Converse2013]

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with a man for 2 years. It's always been quite volatile, with him blowing hot and cold, me cracking it at him, him ending it, and then coming back a short time later.

He never shows me emotion, he never gives me praise, he is insanely jealous of any success in my life, and has little interest in my interests (painting a nice picture of him aren't I?)

I cracked it at him a few months ago because he seemingly had no time for me, but was constantly telling me how much fun he was having with other people (playing sport). I said it was unfair, and to just leave me alone. He got mad, then he tried changing the subject and told me I talk crap. For the first time, I didn't let him press reset, I said he was dismissing my feelings. He told me I'm needy, I need to get a life etc. We stopped speaking for a week and then he got back in touch. There's been zero intimacy since them (early June).

He went away, and before he left I sent him a "happy holiday" email, he sounded happy and said he'd see me soon xxx. He kept in touch while on holiday. Got back, and didn't contact me. I got in touch and asked him if everything was okay and he said "you asked me not to contact you" (from the argument in early June), and said he felt sorry for me being so confused. We had a fight, and he asked me not to contact him again. So I didn't. I left him completely alone. Two weeks later & he's back in touch AGAIN.

Since then, it's been very sporadic, he's talking to me, he's not talking to me. I am not allowed to ask him what's going on as he swears at me & ends it (he's always saying he can't give me what I need). Here's the thing. He starts showing up at places he knows where I will be. He's been doing a bit of that lately. And then we chat on email, then he vanishes. He came here last week and was positively hostile. I was at his place yesterday, and he was chatty and nice. I sent him three emails yesterday, heard nothing back.

It is a CONSTANT wound. I begin to heal, and he swoops back in with contact. I know I have got to end this. I feel no contact without warning is cruel, if I ask him to leave me alone, he is going to swear at me & get angry (he's also very closely tied in to my life, so I have to see him all the time). I am wondering if a slow fade is better? I'm at the end of my rope with this man. He doesn't want me, but won't stay out of my life. Why does he want to be in touch/turning up when he obviously doesn't want me? How do I do this? Any advice? I almost feel like it's melodramatic to say "please don't contact me". Is there a nice way to do that? Make it all about me, so he doesn't feel attacked?

[johnny9113]

he may just be trying to see if he still has you holding on to him and waiting for him. if its that bad just tell him that you have a lot on your mind and need time to think about everything and you want to be left alone while you do.

[Converse2013]

Thanks Johnny. I must admit, that had crossed my mind. That he just wants to know I'm still there, on the backburner &/or he finds it comforting to know he still "has me".

I like the idea of saying that. I actually do have a lot of issues in my private life (not related to him) that I genuinely do need to sort out, which is another reason I just want to put a stop to this. It is a huge stress/distraction & I have other stuff I need to focus on.

I just go backwards 10 steps when I see him, and he seems to always find ways to be where he knows I will be. He is very closely tied to my private life, and avoiding him completely is impossible. I would like to really just stay well away & have no email for a month or two. Once I'm over him, I could possibly do limited contact, as I have with previous exes, but you can't do that when you still want them. And I do still want him, but he clearly doesn't want me, and I must move on. He just seems to be trying to prevent that.

[johnny9113]

i know exactly what you mean i am in a not so similar situation but am struggling to move on from my ex gf and i know how hard it can be to let someone go when you dont want to

[VerticalMoon]

I am wondering whether you really WANT this wound to heal. I can't help noticing that you're only here after he hadn't responded to the three e-mails you sent. If you'd gotten a response, you'd be fully content to be sucked right back into things. It's like a drug addict who's lamenting about how they want to break their addiction just because they weren't able to get their fix that day. It's hard to believe that the moment somebody offers them the drug again, they won't happily take it.

If you're really serious about moving on, then you need to just do it. Stop making excuses. It's likely he's moved on and won't be as hurt as you think. And if he is? That's pretty meaningless at this point. You've been stuck in the relationship for two years already! What makes you so sure it won't continue for several more? That should be a lot more worrisome to you than how he's going to feel. Especially given how badly he's hurt you. You need to start doing what's best for yourself.

[Converse2013]

Yes, definitely a part of it keeps hoping that he will eventually come to the party, but it ain't going to happen. When I quit smoking, I did so because I knew it was bad for me, not because I wanted to (I loved smoking).

If he'd replied, I'd no doubt be chatting to him, yes that is true. But the fact is, he hasn't responded and I am once again sitting here feeling awful. I try to look on the positive, that the longer he doesn't respond, the better it is. I know he will be in touch, he always does. When he gets in touch, I cave in. And that is why no contact is what I am hoping to do. Not to punish him, or win him over or manipulate him. In order to give myself some distance and let the fog lift.

[TablesandChairs]

You know this man is not good for you. You know he holds you back. His volatility drains you, distracts you and leaves you worse off. However, the reason you're not 100% finished is because you don't want it to be (not entirely) so the onus is on you to go cold turkey. You can't do this 'gently', you have to do it resolutely if you want to get on with your life. When you have feelings for someone who you know is no good for you and you've made a conscious decision to change the situation - you have to come to a full stop.

Block his number from your phone; that way, you're not tempted to reply. Block him from emailing you and from social media. You don't really have to explain things to him; he's the one playing games, he's the one who 'can't give you what you need' and so forth, so you don't have to do too much for his sake.

Do it for your sake. You can't heal while he's playing hockey with your emotions. Once he's out of your life, you can begin focusing on what's important. Try avoiding him as much as possible in other ways, too - not forever if that's not possible but if you know he's going to be at X place, don't go (if avoidable) until you're over him.

[michelle23]

why are you still hoping he will come back when he just makes you miserable? Why cant you just block him from your phone, email, facebook etc and change the locks or move house so you don't have to see him again? You are in control of your life and if you want him gone, then you have to find the strenght to say NO when he comes crawling and make it very clear that you are NEVER coming back.

But you like the attention, the ego boost, the flattering words, him saying he loves you although he cant back those words up with actions. You really dont want to let go coz you either think you are not worth more or you are so lonely that you think anyone is better than nobody. But again these are your issues that you need to deal with in order to find a great guy that you are only with coz you really want to be and not because you think you need him

I hope this helps you to move on. With or without him you are gonna be miserable. Id rather be miserable on my own for awhile and heal slowly than allow him to keep dragging me down.
You will get over him but you do need to be strong and just feel the pain for awhile. In time, your wounds will heal and you will be ready to meet someone 100 times better

Good luck

[Wakeup]

he's always saying he can't give me what I need)

His actions back up his words. You're the one who has the problem. He's treats you like shit yet you keep letting him come back.

You'd probably do well to find out why you think so little of yourself that you think that he's the best you can do.

Read this book: I think it applies.

http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048

Cut and paste the link in your browser and read about what you are apprently suffering from. Have you ever read any titles on codependency? Love Addiction? If you haven't, then now would be a good time. It will help you to cut the abusive cord and get down off of the emotionally abusive merry-go-round you're addicted to being on.

If you don't want to read, then consider getting some honest to goodness therapy from someone proficient in codependency and how to treat it. You need to learn to love yourself before you'll be able to pick someone who truly loves you in a healthy manner.

Bottomline: dump the chump and go cold turkey withdrawl by not letting him contact you in any manner. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. He's your cigarette and your addiction.

[Converse2013]

Yes, I've read a bit on co-dependency, and agree that is the issue. I don't really understand why. My self esteem was actually quite good until I met him. I was in a really good and happy place. I've had crappy partners in the past, but eventually opened my eyes & told them to get lost. But this time it's different.

But you like the attention, the ego boost, the flattering words, him saying he loves you although he cant back those words up with actions.

He's never told me he loves me, he hasn't even told me he likes me and he certainly doesn't boost my ego. The most flattering thing he's said is how good I am in bed.

[Wakeup]

Yes, I've read a bit on co-dependency, and agree that is the issue. I don't really understand why. My self esteem was actually quite good until I met him.

So what are you going to do about your situation. Certainly you're not going to keep this up while he whittles away at your self-worth one screw at a time?

[Wakeup]

I could possibly do limited contact, as I have with previous exes,

Whatever you do, try to learn to cut the cord and be done with men who you are no longer romantically/sexually involved with. There is no need to keep all these loose ends in your life (doing so is part of your symptoms of codependency).

What does "closely tied to my personal life" actually mean. Why can't you go ZERO contact?