Rebuilding after the Affair, infidelity, and betrayal

[TallDarkHandsom]

I've been married for 3 years and with my wife a total of 9 years. In the beginning of our relationship I cheated on her several times in attempts to sabotage the relationship (my analysis years later). She stuck by me through all of it and we worked through it. Years later we got engaged and then married.

Fast forward to this year, we had a rough year, had to close down our business, have been living with her parents and trying to get back on our feet. She has had a bff guy friend that she has known longer than me, they have been through hell and back together. I've never been a jealous person so when he came back in the area for a few month training i encouraged her to hang out with him and catch up. Long story short she had wound up having a few month affair with him which included everything (emotional/physical).

When i first assumed something was going on there was a lot of hiding, a lot of lying, a lot of omission. When i would bring evidence i was the one being crazy or not trusting her. Finally a few months later, now that this guy has gone back to his wife and kids... she tells me the full story - not only the affair emotional/physical but that she was/is in love with him.


I would have never ever thought that my wife was capable of this. She said that she stayed with me because she loves me (but is not currently IN love with me), that she knows i'm the right one for her.... (can't help but think i was the default, that he wouldn't leave his wife and kids)... We have had several conversations and will continue to have many more... After I found out the full story i left for a week, after a lot of crying and apologizing from her side, I decided that I would give her and our marriage one more chance... that she wants to try and rebuild our love

she knows that this is it... if it ever happens again i'm walking away.

She said that she felt 'alive' while in the affair... that she could be herself (she felt she had to change to please me even though i never told her to change ANYTHING about herself), that she had been holding her breath for so long and she could finally breath with him. She said that because of the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship that she never felt 'safe' with me... that i would 'protect her' that i 'wanted her' and yet she tells her friends that she doesn't deserve me.. that i'm too good of a guy for her, and that she is a f*cked up person (none of this i have ever thought or said to her).

We are starting our relationship fresh, forgiving, not forgetting and trying to move forward. We even decided that we should start 'dating' eachother again to see if we can re-connect or if we should move on.

I always tell her that she's beautiful, how much i want her, how much she turns me on... but she never believes me. I'm not sure there are even any questions in this post other than advice on moving forward and trying to rebuild after you have been cheated on.

[Cerby]

Have you considered renewing your vows? This might be a good way to cross a new threshold and move forward. Also, seek couples counselling, you'll need it.

[Wakeup]

Either one or the other has been cheating on the other your whole existence as a couple. Are you sure you're trying to be something you're not, that being monogamously inclined?

Definately get couples councelling. Theres something in your relationship that isn't doing it in all ways for either of you. You're trying to be mono when you're playing the poly lifestyle.

[Ginger2013]

Hmmmm...she accepted and forgave your cheating, now you can't believe she'd do the same and are surprised by it. I don't understand why people stay together when they are unhappy or want to f*** around. If she doesn't believe you when you compliment her, then I think she never really got over your cheating and never had full trust in you.

[TallDarkHandsom]

Thank you for the response. After being with someone for 9 years there is bound to be some difficulty. We are both mature enough in our relationship that we can sit and talk about difficulties and problems without getting upset, yelling, screaming - I've considered counseling which we did before we got married, however i feel with the intense conversations we have had since discovering her infidelity with her long time best friend, i finally feel we are at a place to begin healing, and moving forward. Both of us are closely monitoring things, we feel if there is no progress that we will consider couples counseling.

Although most of the blame is on her, I am not without fault, yes me pushing her away in the beginning really f'cked with her head and self-esteem, and because we never addressed it she was forced to just 'move on' - in all of the stress of owning and operating a business we also lost track of eachother, and in discussing all of this I have realized that i never really 'courted' her - she's always said I was romantic but i'm finally understanding all the other things that have been missing. She is also understanding what it is I've been missing on my side and I feel in this short amount of time that there has been great progress.

We are renewing things and starting fresh knowing that there are no more chances... Poly? haha... neither of us could handle the jealousy - We are now working on that full trust... and seeing where things go.

[Wakeup]

Neither of you can handle the jealousy yet you both took other lovers! SMFH and LMAO.

[TallDarkHandsom]

@wakeup I can't disagree lol

[Valixy]

Most couples face infidelity in some way or another over the years but just as you said, OP, it is possible to rebuild a monogamous relationship when both partners are willing to. There is no doubt that you both seem to be on the right way.

[Empower Couples]

Hi TallDarkHandsome.

Hope you are keeping well?

Firstly can I say there should be no blame game within a relationship ever! It is also not about who's right or wrong.
it's about working as a team.

The first question you may want to ask yourself can you truly forgive her and are you prepared to repair and commit to your relationship 100 percent, because if you can't no one nor counsillor can help you.
As the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink.

To tell a woman she is beautiful is not enough strange as that seems. Women need to be shown, actions speak louder than words. Men need to be shown as well especially appreciation and love, words are just words they are not enough.

Whats important to both in a relaionship is all the little things you do for each other. After five yrs in my relationship my darling still make me my morning coffee and I still really appreciate and show him that I do. Little things done for each other hold more importance and impact on the heart than the bigger ones.

Can i suggest a couple of great tools that may help you to firstly communicate more effectively and reignite the relationship.

First tool -Pillow talk. This is done nightly lying in bed facing each other with a lamp on so you can read each others facial expressions and allows you the calm environment you need to discuss sensitive issues. By allowing any where from five minutes to half an hour each night will help get your relaionship back on track.

Second tool - Hot dates organize them as often as you feel, monthly is great. Take turns to organise (Movies are a big No No) as you dont communicate and spend quality time together. A conversation tip - rem-anise about when you first met its amazing how that gets you both feeling. Surprise her as you did early in the relaionship, remember when you both made the effort and missed each other.

From what I read about your relationship the biggest problem is you became disconnected from one another due to life's distractions. If you both become aware of each others needs and learn the art of effective communication you will have the relaionship your heart desire's, just as I do.

I hope I have helped you in some small way.

Good luck and take care.