I need a MANS opinion!!

[lostlars]

Hi, Guys

I posted this in the love forum to but I thought it would really help to get some male perspective. Give it to me even if it hurts please. I can not for the life of me get inside my boyfriends head and understand what transpired between us over the last 6 weeks. This site helped me so much with my last breakup. 5 years later here I am again. I am going to try to make this as short as I can but include all the important components so I am sorry for the read! I posted on a thread like this going through my last breakup and advice from listeners really helped me heal. I guess I am looking for more listening ears as I am having a very hard time. Ok so here is my story.

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. We had our ups and downs but we were both so in love. We talked about being together the rest of our lives, and how weve never felt this way about anyone etc etc. I thought this was the man I was going to marry. My confusion comes from wondering if his actions came from immaturity and pride, or if he really is over me.

The last 6 months I have not been as great of a girlfriend and he hasnt been there for me either. I was going through major stress with finances, starting a new job, working two part- time jobs, and major family stress. During this time I felt my boyfriend was not showing me attention, asking me whats wrong, or asking me to talk. This made me kind of resent him through the stress and kind of stay to myself. The last few months we felt more like roommates then lovers. (we have lived together years). I thought we were just in a slump but didnt think for a minute we would break up. I was still convinced we would be able to bounce back and be head over heels again as we have done so many times before.

Onward to the breakup. I booked us a night at a hotel resort. We had an amazing day at the pool swimming, drinking, cuddling. Everything was going great. We went up to the room to get ready for our dinner reservation. I was just getting out of the shower and he was getting in. I knew we were late so I still go out and got ready, I later found out this really hurt his feelings. My boyfriend had been drinking all day since golf at 530am so I wasnt thinking anything of it when he laid down on the bed and wasnt getting dressed. Apparently later he told me he wanted to talk to me then but I was too concerned with not being late for dinner. Again I had no idea. So I went down to the lobby to meet our friends for dinner. A few minutes later he came down and grabbed his keys from my purse. I said yah I am glad you made it down dinners soon. And he walked away I thought to use the restroom or something. Then it was time for dinner and he still wasnt around so I texted him and asked where he was. His reply was "goodbye". Apparently he had taken a cab home and was now breaking up with me after 4 years over a text message. He sent a few more about how we have grown apart and hes not happy anymore and that was it.

Besides being irrate about being dumped over a text, I was devastated. I knew neither of us were happy and he told me to find a place and move out. I didn't want to beg him to take me back so I handled it by avoiding the house daily from 7am until 10pm for 3 weeks until I could find a place. During this time we slept in seperate bedrooms and did not speak.

Then the day came and I moved out. When he came home to my stuff being gone he flipped out a little. Sending me really hurtful messages and telling me since I left it is 100% over. (which I already thought it was). He gave me mixed signs because he broke up with me and I thought this is what he wanted.

The breakup was July 6th, I moved out July 22nd. After he cooled down he started being nice and telling me he really wants this to end civily and how hard this is and how much he misses me and all he wants to do it cuddle me but he knows he cant. I left him my tv and laptop figuring he could keep them for a few weeks until he could get his own. We talked a few times on the phone. I would cry, and he would tell me I need to move on. He would also say he loves me and has never broken up with someone he still loves and how hard this is for him. Then he would tell me it will never be the same again. Basically back and forth stuff and really screwed with my mind.

Then I decided no contact. I couldnt take the mixed signals. During the next 3 weeks I blocked him on facebook, and did not respond to a single text. He sent me a total of three all of which I ignored. I had to. I was in too much pain. I knew this last weekend he was going out of town so I went over to his place to pick up my mail. I wasnt planning on getting the tv etc at that time, but when I arrived he had changed all the locks on the house!!! I lost it!! After I was being kind and lending him my stuff!! I was so mad I called him and texted him many times in so much anger. He told me I would have to wait until he gets back to get my stuff and that he couldnt trust me after I blocked him on facebook and didnt respond to his texts. I was livid. So much for a civil parting. The next 24 hours were a series of exchanged messages from anger, to sadness, to hope. He would say "there is so much we could of done but we didnt, and Im tired of being a failure" and more. After he got back, I had him leave my stuff outside because I didnt want to see him. I picked it up. That night we argued a little more. I was so upset that I never got that face to face break up, he was mad because he kept asking me to talk and I wouldnt.

I felt like if he was really sorry he should have came to me. Or made me feel important. He says he always wanted to talk and really regrets how he ended things but I didnt feel that because telling me I could simply come over to him and talk didnt seem like he was that willing to me. I knew it would just hurt so I stopped. We ended that night with him saying he is sick of my **** and he knows in his heart he tried to talk to me and I refused. My emotions were so out of control between anger and sadness that I knew I couldnt control them so I thought it was best to wait.

Now that I have my stuff back we dont have a reason to talk. 4 days went by with no communication and then he sent me a simple text that said "good luck today" because he knew my team was playing. I replied, and then of course he never wrote me back which upset me more. We havent spoken since.

I am so sorry for the length of this post I just felt I needed to get in all the mixed signs so I could explain my confusion. I am devastated. This man was my best friend and now I have lost him because I was too consumed in my own stress and depression to realize we were losing eachother. He told me after the breakup I was too concerned about "how" he did it rather then "why" he did it and thats how he knew he was making the right decision. He said he waited three weeks for me to come up to him and say "baby I dont want this can we please talk about it." I didnt because he dumped me! Why would I beg him? Why would he want me to beg him after I was so humiliated and crushed. I am so close with his entire family too. I am losing so much in this breakup. It has now been 6 weeks with me moved out for 3 and that last text he sent me was three days ago.

I dont know where to go from here. I have messed up with sending the angry and sad plethora of messages but only after I realized I was locked out of the house. Before that I was doing good with the no contact so that is what I am trying to go back to. He says he still loves me and always will. What do you guys think from reading this long saga? What do his actions tell me? Is he really done? Do I need to just move on? Im so in love and I miss him so much if I stand a chance in making things right what do I need to do?

One last thing, he told me I made it final when I signed the lease. If I moved out I knew it was over. Why?? If we were both unhappy why cant we take time to improve ourselfs and remember why we fell in love. Why cant we date. Why does me leaving deifinitly make it over? I was doing what he wanted I thought he pulled the trigger not me. I never gave up.

[michelle23]

Okay I'm not a man but I will respond anyway.

If he really loved you and really didn't want this to end-he wouldn't have let you go. I think this whole mess is more his fault than yours. You were distracted, had loads of crap going on and maybe you neglected him but did he ever come to you and say "I'm not happy" or "things need to change". From what you have written it sounds like he ignored the issues until they got too big to ignore and then he snapped that day coz it all got too much. Maybe he wanted to shower with you or just have a romantic night together but again you cant read his mind. You had dinner plans and he knew you were rushing. He could have spoken up that night and said "lets just have a night in tonight"

But then he dumped you and broke your heart and expected you to beg him. if you did that you would have just pushed him further away so well done for holding onto your dignity. Maybe he thought you no longer love him and the breakup was his way of hoping you would prove you love him but that doesn't work. Pushing someone away never works if your ultimate goal is to bring them closer. And he told you to pack your stuff and get out and when you did that he freaked out. SMH

There are right and wrong on both sides and you need to stop piling all the blame on yourself. Forgive yourself. Sometimes external factors affect our relationships with the ones we love. It was just a rough patch-every relationship has them but strong couples work through them together as a team. They don't bail when the going gets tough. I think you need to say that to him. You need to gain some closure coz right now all your doing is feeling guilty which isn't fair to you.

You should send him a message or a letter and put everything out there. Just tell him how you feel. Don't ask him to get back with you. He ended it and he is the one who needs to make that step IF that is what he wants but don't get your hopes up. I think if he really wanted you back he would have tried to work it out already.

Just tell him how you see things from your point of you without accusing him of anything. Example "I loved you with all my heart, I thought we would get married and I am devastated. I know things were bad between us for awhile and I know I neglected you as I had so much crap going on and I am sorry for that but I wish you would have told me then that it was hurting you. I wish you would have given me a chance to fix it. When you left me that night in the hotel I was so hurt and humiliated and I honestly thought you wanted me gone for good which is why I never tried to fix it. I thought it was broken especially when you told me to pack my stuff and leave. I have self respect and I wasn't going to beg you to love me or to give me another chance. I feel I shouldn't have to beg. I thought it was just a rough patch and that we would work through it but it didn't work out that way and I need you to stop blaming me for everything that went wrong. I feel bad enough as it is and I just want closure now so I can begin to heal emotionally. I know you don't want me anymore and that's fine, I just wish we ended on better terms but either way it would still hurt. I want you to be happy and I don't want to fight anymore. I love you and you were a very special part of my life. It will take time to mourn this loss but I am strong and Id rather be on my own than be with someone who is not 100% committed to me. Good luck with everything. Goodbye"

Keep it short and sweet and to the point. Don't let your emotions take over. If there is anything else you feel he was wrong to blame you for-add it in but don't accuse. Keep using those "I" statements. "I feel", "I wish", "I hope" etc Don't give him any reason to lash back in anger at you as that will hurt you more. Maybe a few sessions with a counselor will help you heal and find the straight to move on. I know its hard but time is a great healer. He handled this whole breakup really badly probably because his emotions were all over the place too. Maybe he was angry and wanted you to chase after him but love doesn't work that way. We should never have to chase someone. It has to be 50/50 in order to work. I think you have handled it really well up until the day that he changed the locks but that was a normal reaction. The anger has to hit at some point and you have gotten through it (look up the five stages of grief). You should be proud you walked away with self respect, dignity, pride and didn't try to force him to change his mind or guilt trip him into staying with you (which so many do). You have been the bigger person here and you need to stop taking all the blame and responsibility. Your not a mind reader. If he is too passive aggressive to communicate with you and express how he feels 6 months before the breakup when the issues started then that is his problem. Not yours

[Exeter19]

oh man that is too much to get through can you break it down. sorry.

[lostlars]

Thank you for reading and your in depth response Michelle. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel you are right and if he really wanted to be with me he would have stopped me from leaving or reached out to work it out since. The last thing I want is to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I guess I am just confused because he flat out told me he was wanting me to beg for him back basically to prove to him I care. I told him how much I loved him and that I wanted to date etc once I was moved out just not while I was at the house because I was waiting on an action or apology from him that he broke up with me over a text. That apology never came. I guess I am wondering if I am always going to regret not having a face to face conversation with him and what could have come out of that. After I was gone he said I could come over so we can talk but I was so livid about the locks being changed I said it was too late now. Also I felt he should have desperately wanted to talk if he was really sorry not just tell me I can stop by if I want. He should have said "where are you we need to talk" or "i need to apologize for what i did that night". That has never happened. You dont break up with someone over a text after four years. I still have so much anger about that and was hoping for a face to face apology that would have opened up the conversation to address why he has been unhappy. I dont know if I should just ask to go over there and have this talk or just let it go. It is apparent that I am not going to get him apologizing to me the way I wanted so I need to make the move is. At this point do you think he is hoping I come around and talk to him or is he just over me and moving on??

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're both ****in retards, expecting the other to read your mind. Let it go.

[okwhat2013]

Us Men no like read much, read bad. Brain hurts, pictures good, many words bad. :-)

[dem862]

I am male and I read the whole thing. First of all he had been drinking all day which impairs judgment. He over-reacted in a major way that day. You were hurt and probably angry. As soon as he sobered up, you two probably could have worked it out. But you carried a resentment. He probably should have appologized right away but he didn't. His pride probably got in the way at that point, and he couldn't admit he had goofed. As time went on, you both sunk your heels in and nobody was willing to budge.

I think he was in the wrong, and it was likely due to his drinking. But it also sounds like there have been problems brewing for some time and things should have been worked out before it even got to that point. Now, in your post, I am hearing sadness, grief, regret, and helplessness. I don't know his side of the story, but I can tell you are still angry and resentful about him breaking up with you over a text, and also about him changing the locks. For your own good, you need to let go of that anger and resentment. He probably has anger and resentment he needs to let go of too, but he isn't here. Once you have worked through that, I think it will be more clear to you what you should do.

[michelle23]

You need to get over how he ended it hun. That is really a small issue in the grand scheme of things. Breaking up hurts no matter what way you do it and the outcome is always the same. Plus anger is a part of grief and if you were not angry about that you would be angry about something else.

I think you should send him that message i recommended and add a subtle hint thatyou never wanted to lose him but whats done is done and you cant change the past but if you both want each other there is no reason y you cant try to work it out but if thats not what he wants its fine you understand..

Then the ball is really in his court. If you get any mixed signals at all than you do need to move on and heal. Like if he doesnt say i love you and want you back now-then its really time to let go

[madotnw_nihs]

I can answer from a my perspective why he says if you signed the lease that the break up is final. If two people are apart, they will have to work on rekindling the fire and go through the whole process of dating again. Why go through all that with the same girl that have done so already with. The answer is he doesn't want it. If he loves you, he wouldn't have let you leave or he would be willing to start all over again.

[lostlars]

So this where I am at....In the past few weeks he has tried to make small take over texts but not in person or on the phone. I respond sometimes and not others. Then he sent me the Buckcherry "I'm Sorry" song which I totally over analyzed. I dont know if it means hes just sorry or sorry and wants me back. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I then took your advice Michelle and wrote him an email along the lines of your advice. He texted me today and said I got your email. I asked if it meant anything to him? He said yes, he just didnt know what to say back because that same night he was up thinking about me.... thats where its at.

[VincenzoG91]

Bad relationship led to a bad breakup. Just let go and move on.

[bulrush]

Guy here.

During this time I felt my boyfriend was not showing me attention, asking me whats wrong, or asking me to talk.

If you wanted him to show you more attention, you should have talked to him about it. And maybe he didn't talk because you talked about everything already. This alone does not mean he doesn't care about you.

I said yah I am glad you made it down dinners soon.

Was that nasty comment really necessary? How does that improve the relationship?

And he walked away I thought to use the restroom or something. Then it was time for dinner and he still wasnt around so I texted him and asked where he was. His reply was "goodbye".

Maybe he was sick of your drama? I'm not reading the rest of this but it sounds like you two had a communication problem, someone let stress build up too much instead of talking about it.
If you want to know what is going on inside his head, ask him. If you want a specific answer, ask a specific question. Many guys are literal. If you ask a vague question, you will get a vague answer.

[DinsdalePiranha]

^^^Also a man who read the entire OP.

Honestly, it's unlikely you'll ever know exactly what was going on in his head that prompted him to act as he did. Going from your post, your relationship didn't have very good communication between you two (duh). Maybe it was the booze added to simmering resentment over some real or imagined slight, maybe his (imho) major overreaction at the hotel resort was part of some internal scheme to find a reason to blame you for him wanting out of your relationship...he doesn't strike me as the most mature guy, but hey, it's not like I've met him or anything.

Since the breakup, he's been doing what you and a probably the vast majority of couples breaking up do: grief, anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance. It sounds from your post like he spent a good deal of time marshaling his anger to initiate the breakup, but lately he's getting into the buyer's remorse phase of dumping someone. "Oh, what have I done, I miss her so much...!" We've all been there. Don't be fooled.

IMHO, don't ask what you did wrong, OP. There's only one guy who knows exactly why he ended the relationship, and that's your ex. Maybe it's rational, maybe it's half-ass fair, maybe it's nothing of the kind. The important thing to remember is next time you're in a relationship, talk to each other. Communicate openly. Don't let things fester. "Hey, I've noticed you haven't said much for a while. Is something bothering you?" Goes a long way.

And for now, embargo all communication with the ex. No texting, no email, no calls, no nothing. Forget, forgive yourself, and move on. The ex sounds like a bit of a dick anyway.

My 2 cents.